In a state of thixotropy

SO me! Up until about 20 minutes ago.

Now, I’m gonna miss that Felguard bastard…

Take the Magic: The Gathering ‘What Color Are You?’ Quiz.

As time goes on, I come to many realizations with regard to the boy. I realize that he has been right all along. I am smarter than he is. I am more intelligent than he is. Not only that, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve experienced more in life. I’ve learned more from life. And I’ve accepted my role in this world far better than he has.

I’m not saying that we’re destined to be together. Nor am I saying that there’s some magical fix for my desire to have him, as my own, and not to let anyone else have him. There will come a day when I just know, and it will pass over me, or through me. But it will pass, somehow.

He makes assumptions of me, that I don’t think he needs to make. I don’t think he has a right to make. I don’t even think he realizes exactly what he does. I just finished watching Juno and it wasn’t the context of the movie that reached out and made me think of these things regarding the boy, it was the movie itself. Sitting there, remembering when I first introduced him to Donnie Darko, and how surprised he was by the movie. He enjoyed it immensely, and while I’m glad that he did, it was the reasons why he didn’t watch the movie prior to my wanting him to see it that bugs me about him.

He wasn’t willing to give the movie a shot because it “looked stupid.” Because the people he associates with had never seen it. I allow myself to read books I wouldn’t otherwise. I allow myself to enjoy movies that aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I’m open-minded. I often find those movies and books that aren’t mainstream, the sneakers if you will, are the ones that… change my view on life.

While I hope daily that I’ll be one step closer to just letting this one go, I know that it’s always easier said than done. That despite our differences, we really clicked on a different level. We’re polar opposites, and yet, it could have worked. It could have worked brilliantly, despite those differences. And while I understand that he went through a lot, I know that I was willing to stand beside him through all of it. Only, he didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me. I just have to learn to accept that. And admit that it just wasn’t meant to be.

This will be us one day…

I was tagged by Joanne. So here’s the meme.

14 Random/Weird/Quirky Thing

1. I smoke mostly when I’m bored or nervous. I’m bored a lot.
2. I’ve tried to have a shot or two before playing an MMO because I was told it’s more fun, but it wasn’t so fun, and I didn’t even get a buzz.
3. I spend more time of the year being poor and struggling (often negating eating) than I do enjoying freedom from financial burdens.
4. I own 2 Nintendo DSs, because I refuse to let go of my old one, for nostalgic reasons… and because it’s easier to trade Pokemon with myself than to try to find another person.
5. It’s a good thing I’m not sleeping with anyone, because I forget to take my pill at the same time every day (at least this month).
6. Some days all I can think about is having a secret love affair with David Tennant, because I truly believe we are meant to be together… in a junior high school kid crush sorta way!
7. I say curse words like it’s the only proper way for me to strengthen my point. I can use the F-word in the most imaginative ways.
8. I have been told, over and over again, by numerous people, that I make the funniest faces when I’m trying to concentrate. I guess it’s amusing.
9. I’m madly in love with a guy who will never love me the way he loved his ex… the one who treated him like shit…
10. I dream of being a writer, but it’s a near impossible dream, considering how little writing I actually do.
11. The time I spend on the net now is equal or more than what I used to spend on the net at one pint, and I often feel like a total idiot for not understanding much with regard to web technologies. I wish I didn’t take a multiple year hiatus.
12. I sing in the car at the top of my lungs, even with the windows open.
13. I come across to most as this “hard ass bitch” in real life, but the people who really know me, often see something different.
14. I miss simplicity, and often wish I could live without the luxuries I believe are important, just to get back to what’s really important.

Tagging Rules:

1. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours
2. Link the person who tagged you
3. Mention the rules in your blog
4. Tag six following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I am tagging:
Jessica
Michiko
I’d tag other’s but my blogosphere is rather small and limited right now.

I finally FINALLY finished the paper. Thank goodness! I was allowed to leave early from work yesterday, in order to try to tackle “the paper.” So I came home, showered and packed my stuff for a day at Starbucks, when all of my friends would not be there. Got the paper to about 5.5 pages, when I had to leave there because the lure of distraction was far too great. FAR FAR TOO GREAT!

I came home and with some help from a friend, got through some of the rough spots of the paper. Trudged through it, and at about 3:15 am, I had it printed, stapled and packed away safely in my backpack (so as to NOT forget it once I left the house). Set the alarm and passed out. I woke up with my phone (aka my alarm) in my hand, under the pillow.

Wanna know what time I woke up in the morning? 8:15am.
Wanna know how long my commute to school is? Most days, just over an hour.
Wanna know what time I was supposed to be in class? Yeah, 9am.

Even if I didn’t bother to change my clothes, brush my teeth, feed the cat, or have my “I just woke up” pee, I still wouldn’t have made it to school in time. So I didn’t rush it. I just got ready and took off.

The boy, on the other hand, is starting to drive me to the brink of insanity. I’ve been wanting to write about it. Bits of our conversation, in an attempt to at least (in part) understand what in the hell is going on. But it doesn’t make any sense. He makes little comments, here and there. Many other instances. I’ve also taken my estalking to a whole new level. He told me about his ex, and how he’s been feeling rather depressed because after everything she did to him… after all of the hell she put him through… and he forwarded the email exchange between the two of them.

I had her email. I looked it up on myspace. I found her. Her profile is private, so I searched for a way to see her pictures anyway. I saw pictures of the babies when he hasn’t. I saw a picture of her. I feel somewhat guilty in this, because even if as time passes we only become better friends, closer friends, and it never becomes anything more than that… I will have to carry this around with me… It will always remain a secret that I have, that he can never know.

The internet is not safe. While I know that even writing about it, there’s a chance that he might be able to stumble across it. But I have faith in his lack of computer knowledge and internet saavy, that he will likely never find any of this, unless I tell him. Once I post this, I know that I will never tell him. Ever.

It gets easier, every day. Though I know that I still care very deeply for him, and wish that our circumstances could’ve been different. I wish that we had met at a different point in both of our lives. My obsessive tendency will likely mean that as hard as the road will be, and as much debt as I will probably put myself into, after grad school, I’ll be moving away from here. Anywhere. But I will not stick around. Best case scenario, I’ll be around for another 3 years before looking for employment somewhere other than here, and possibly a PhD program. Best case scenario, I can finally move abroad, to the UK, and pursue my education there.

Either way, my goals in life will inevitably take me away from him. As much as I want him right now.

He doesn’t make this easy for me. He doesn’t make it easy for me to slowly let go either. I want desperately to be on the back of his motorcycle, holding onto him tightly as we just go… no particular direction… just going. I want desperately to just… touch him.

No matter what I do… I can’t seem to shake all of the feelings I have for him… or release my sheer desire of him.

Yeah, stupid effing paper. I got another extension. Just a couple of days, but still. It’s quite possibly the most horrific experience I’ve ever endured in my college career. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to pull all these parts together. Imagine trying to tie this and this together emphasizing the role of women as heroes, and then write 8+ pages about it. Yeah. That’s where I’m at right now.

And I need to poop. Literally. Though I can’t imagine packing ALL my crap up right now, just to go use the bathroom, and hope that I get my outdoor table with a plug again. BAH!

Anyone willing to write this paper for me, in less than 2 days? Right… didn’t think so.

I’m an idiot. A huge, giant stupid effing idiot. I should’ve started my damn paper a LONG time ago. What do I do? Exactly what I always do, put it off until the last minute.

And now, I have no idea where to start.

And I’ll likely not sleep tomorrow night just to get this damn thing finished.

No really… this is idiocy!

Ever think that the music you listen to at the moment is the exact music you should be listening to? Yeah, well, every time I hear this song show up on my iPod, I think that I suffer from this far too often… and right now, it’s definitely the boy who’s got his hold on me… unbeknownst to him.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

- “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles

When I’m sitting here, trying to study, get reading done, etc, I often have the television on. Playing whatever movies are on cable. It’s not meant to distract me, and I know they’re all movies I’ve seen a hundred times in the past. But there they are, playing on my television.

I realize that Hollywood only makes their money when people watch their movies. I know that because of this, most movies have a “love interest.” I’ve learned through an ex who was a movie fanatic, just how movies work. Not to mention I’ve taken a film class and learned through that class too.

There’s a formula for movies though. There’s always a formula. And nearly all movies follow it. There’s always a girl. There’s always a boy. There’s always something that tries to keep them apart, but eventually, though everything, they end up together in the end.

As days go by, I can’t help but hope that if I’m just patient. If I can just wait this one out, he’ll come back and we can try again. I won’t “hold my breath,” so to speak, but inevitably, deep down, it really is what I want.

I joked with him on Thursday about him taking me out for a ride (on his motorcycle). Always with the “I need bugs on my helmet” joke. He said it sounded like a good idea, but that he wasn’t sure if he was going to have to work. Okay. No biggie. He had just gotten the job and I figured I probably wasn’t going to hear from him anyway. He was starting to get into the habit of making plans with me, and then turning around and doing something else, completely disregarding the plans that we made. He was starting to be a huge flake.

Not this time though. No. Friday night when he found out he had to work Saturday, he texted me to let me know. Not only did he let me know, but he seemed disappointed by the fact that we wouldn’t be able to go riding. He apologized. I told him it was okay, cause there was plenty of time… and I knew that there was a possibility that he’d have to work. But he remembered making the plans. And he remember to let me know… one way or the other. He didn’t flake.

While I’m not reading a whole lot into it, it just… surprises me.

I’m waiting for that moment, in the movie, when he comes back. Or a commercial break. Either way, I’m not handling my hormones too well this month.