I had a moment

March 30th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

And it wasn’t a good one. I think I might have flipped out on him. I might have forgotten something I told him. Specifically that I asked him to be something stable in his life while everything else was so unstable. I offered to be there for him, in a “above and beyond” sort of way.

I said it because I meant it.

Today, I forgot I meant it. Today, I cared only about me.

I’m not sure if I ruined everything. I’m going to back off and let him deal with his stuff. I almost wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I spent most of my day on the phone with The BFF hoping that she might be able to help me sort it out. In playing the devil’s advocate, and after speaking to a male friend, I started to realize a few things.

I don’t want him out of my life. I jumped the gun when I flipped the hell out. I should really take some time to think about things before I say something. Especially since his first text message to me this afternoon, he called me “sweet pea.” Damn.

Open mouth, insert foot. The story of my effing life.

Hmmm… I like!

March 29th, 2008 | Tags: ,

So WordPress has finally announced the launch of the 2.5 upgrade, and while I like to stay up to date (mostly so everything works properly) I decided that even though it’s only been a matter of hours, why the hell not.

So far, I actually really like the new Dashboard. It’s going to take some adjusting to, but it doesn’t seem as though ANY of my plugins are broken. And none of my current widgets are acting up.

I do like it.

In his own way

March 29th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

He might not know it, but I can tell he’s trying to reach out. I don’t think he wants to. I don’t think he wants to get attached… in much the same way I don’t want to get attached. For fear of getting hurt.

There is a closeness we share, outside of the bedroom intimacy. There have been times when I almost said those words. Not even thinking about it. Just that they wanted to come out. As though it were the moment I got caught up in, and not because I’m pressured to say them… but because it was what I wanted to say. I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know that I’ll be there for him… in the best way that I can. That as long as he has me in his life, I am in his life. I’ll only back down if he asks me to.

And even then, I might consider trying to fight to keep him. Though I doubt I will… cause fighting to keep someone in my life in the past has turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

When he’s in the right mindset. When he’s “on his game” he has a brilliant way with words. We are so different in so many ways. In all of the weird superficial ways that I thought I’d have to find someone similar to me. I find it weird and somewhat amusing. This must be what they mean by opposites attract.

He has some shit he’s going through. He had a lot of shit he’s going through right now. I couldn’t write about it even if I wanted to, because I don’t know what it is. He’s still working through it. He’s still trying to make sense of it before he tells me about it. I’m curious, don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely curious. I’m just not willing to push him into telling me. I’m not going to force him to tell me anything. If he wants me to know, he’ll tell me when he’s ready.

Though I know, in his own way, he’s reaching out. I just wish I knew exactly what he wanted me to do.

This camera instead?!?

March 29th, 2008 |

Canon EOS Rebel XTi – DSLR? Could this be a better camera? I mean, for an intro camera, but a step-up from the point-and-shoot? Must ask Jessica if she gets discounts on this stuff… even though the price isn’t that bad. It’s reasonable. Though I’ll totally take advantage of a friend discount if there’s one available.

Currently Reading

March 28th, 2008 | Tags: ,

Reading, Octavia Butler‘s, Fledgling right now (or will be when I find it!). So, blah to school for having such a ridiculous reading curriculum this semester. That’s what I get for picking it though, right??

Site Updates

March 28th, 2008 | Tags: ,

Recently added a couple of plugins/widgets to the site.

The first is the Miniposts (aka, Asides) that I added to the sidebar. These are perfect for me to post about random dumb shit I find, or am interested in, or doing the “currently reading/listening” kind of crap without clogging up the main page with the “useless” posts.

And the second one is involves me going ahead and purchasing a Pro account with Flickr. Not because I wanted to waste my money on dumb things, and flush it down the toilet, but because I really am wanting to get more into photography, even just for fun and random crap.  Mostly I’m taking pictures with the cellphone, and I’m always surprised at the quality from it. I’ve honestly been considering purchasing a slightly better camera, with some sort of a zoom.

Because of this, I added the plicker v1.1 plugin as well. It should change the “random photo” every hour (though I could put second, minute, day, week, or whatever I want!)

Enjoy!

Drunken Interrogation

March 28th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

As is the trend with the boy, it seems that after a night of drinking, he wants to talk. Don’t get me wrong, I adore talking to him. I feel this comfort with him, even on the phone, that I don’t often have with many people. We share this weird bond, if nothing else, on an intellectual level. It’s because of this that I like him so much. It’s because of this that I don’t often mind the questions he asks.

The other night, however, he went out with his roommate and another friend. No big deal. He lives so damn far away that there’s no way in hell the two of us are going to be able to do everything together. I’m honestly okay with that. I enjoy doing my own thing too, even if inside there’s that part of me that really wants him around… all. the. time.

After he got home, he sent me a text message. I responded. He called. From there it was only a matter of time before the conversation went downhill. It’s that I mind when he asks me questions about my life, or my experiences. I don’t mind at all. What bothers me more than almost anything else, is when I’m asked a question and in the middle of answering, I’m interrupted and asked another question.

Now, this is fine. Fine. You want to interrupt me before I have a chance to say something. Okay. No big deal. But please don’t accuse me of avoiding your questions, or “discounting my feelings for” yours. That is SO not the case.

He proceeded to try to piss me off (which he succeeded in doing, btw). He was trying to get me rilled up. He wanted me to bitch to him about something. Because he was determined to believe that I couldn’t possibly (actually) be happy and content. Oh no. That’s impossible! No, I’m exaggerating… slightly. No, what he wanted was for me to confront him with issues. Anything about him that might annoy the crap out of me.  I realize he’s not perfect. I know this. I accept this. I know and accept that I’m not perfect either. I just know that the things that bug me about him are small, and seemingly trivial, and I’m willing to be patient and see if they’ll work themselves out or become something that I need to discuss with him.

While I don’t necessarily agree with much of what he said, especially his “insight” into my psyche, I know that when he’s been drinking there is often a different version of him. What made me laugh, and I mean out loud near gut-busting laugh, was when he admitted that when he’s not intoxicated, he’s almost too scared to bring things up. Ah ha! *points an accusing finger at him* You are doing one of the BIGGEST pet peeves… evar! Don’t project your own discomfort onto me. Don’t point an accusing finger at me about not bringing up issues when it’s YOU who doesn’t feel okay with doing it (without alcohol). I did, absolutely, explain how much that bothers me. He said he would work on that.

I’m okay with that. I can work with that.

Despite him trying and succeeding in getting a rise out of me, we’re still good. I’m willing to try and from the sounds of it, he’s willing to try as well. Right now, that’s about all I could possibly ask for. Some effort.

New Camera??

March 26th, 2008 |

Canon PowerShot A650IS I’ve been debating on dropping a little bit of money on a new camera, for some amateurish photo-taking, without going straight to the overly expensive DSLRs. So far, this is the one I’m leaning towards.

To be invisible

March 25th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

A lot of the time, I do things just for the sake of… being noticed. The clothes I wear. The style of my hair. The tattoos.

It’s not always about being seen though. Sometimes it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s asking for someone to simply acknowledge my existence. All though high school I was invisible. I remember years later, working at Starbucks, a girl came in. I recognized her immediately. I even remembered her name. She told her friend (who worked at Starbucks as well) that she didn’t remember my name, but remembered that I used to do homework for people and was smart. Apparently, I wasn’t worth knowing, except for the fact that I did people’s homework. Talk about feeling insignificant and invisible.

Every now and again, I almost wish… almost… that I could go back to being somewhat invisible. I go to school, and besides the handful of people I know (including the boy)  I avoid almost everyone else. I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to be talked to. I don’t want to be seen. I just want to be invisible.

When I achieve this goal, I don’t always have the satisfaction I should. I mean, I want to not be seen… but at times I want to be heard. It’s hard to be just a voice without a face. I guess I have to learn to take the good with the bad. Or find somewhere in the middle between the two.

It’s only those times, when I want to be seen, when I don’t want to be invisible, that I regret working so hard to not exist. It goes back to the whole “alone” issue. Knowing that most of my life is going to be spent alone. That there are few people who are going to understand me. Fewer still that will accept me as I am. And fewer yet that will bother to take the time to get to know me if they get past the first two obstacles.

I guess for now I’ll accept this role. I’ll cherish the people who seem to give a shit. And I’ll hold onto those who care.

Words of Wisdom

March 24th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

There’s a certain point in life, when everything changes. When the whole world seems to flip over on end, and then somehow it rights itself. Then everything that once didn’t make sense, suddenly seems to make sense. Usually in my life, this trigger is an event. Something happens to me. Someone leaves. Someone enters. Something changes, and I reflect on the lesson I needed or at least should have learned.

This time it’s different. This time it’s not because of him that I’m doing this massive overhaul of… well, myself. He’s definitely a part of it. He’s the catalyst. But it’s not because he’s leaving. It’s not because he’s entering. It’s because he is who he is, and he holds nothing back when he’s curious to know me. He asks questions that people don’t tend to ask, and I answer them willingly. He probes and prods and I let him, because there’s this deeper connection that the two of us seem to share. It makes no sense. I can’t make sense of it, no matter how hard I try. No matter how many people I talk to, I just can’t seem to understand what he is, and what’s he’s given me. I doubt that I’ll ever find the words.

I’m not sure the measure of our current relationship. I don’t know what title we hold, if any. I don’t know where we stand in the grand scheme of things, and it’s okay. We’re trying to take it slow. We’re trying to make sure that there are no huge surprises. We’re being honest with each other, and enjoy each other’s company in the meantime. Despite the amount of time I do get to spend with him, it never seems to be enough. I never have enough time to talk to him. I never have enough time to answer all of his questions. We can spend hours on the phone, talking. Or hours on the yahoo, chatting. And there never seems to be enough time. I can’t get enough of him, in more ways than just the physical. I just want to be near him, touch him, talk to him, hear him all the time. It seems pathetic, to feel this strongly for a person that, in reality, I hardly know.

He’s opened my eyes, to aspects of my past, that I didn’t realize were truths. That’s not to say that I would never have realized them. I might have. He’s just made me face some things. Particularly with regard to my past relationships.

He compliments me, constantly. If it were anyone else I might ask them to stop, because it seems over-the-top. Sometimes even excessive. He tells me that I’m intelligent, beyond my years. Beyond most people. He is of the opinion that I’m more intelligent than he is. Than most. He is also in the habit of telling me how beautiful I am. Pointing out parts of my physical body that he adores. He tells me that I have this intense energy and focus, almost all the time. That when I set my mind to something, I stop at nothing until I have, or achieve, whatever it is. Really, he’s telling me nothing I haven’t heard before, from various people, over the years, again and again. He asked, “Why is it different when I say them?” At first I could only say, “I don’t think I know.” As I stared into the mostly empty field next to my apartment, the answer came to me. I fought the tears as I realized exactly why his compliments are different than everyone else’s.

No one wants to believe they were insignificant. No one wants to admit that they meant little to the person they spent so much time with, or even lived with. No one wants to face the fact that maybe… just maybe… you were temporary. The great epiphany involved my realizing that in all of my past relationships, even the would-be relationships, I was merely an escape. I was their adventure. I was this different, unique, interesting girl who came along and caused a whirlwind of emotion. I was crazy, zany, intense, weird… different. I was never the long-term girl. I was never meant to be with any of them forever.

The difference with him… and why his words touch me so much more… is that I’m not his escape, nor am I his adventure.

Of course I don’t want to lose him. Not now. Not that I’ve finally found him.

It was a night full of realizations. It was a night of self-discovery. Prompting a need and a desire to spend some time alone, with a notebook, with my computer, with some ability to write… because I have some soul searching to do. I have some truths to discovery for myself. Later in the night, I told him that in the short time we’ve known each other he has taken the opportunity to get to know me better than my ex ever did, in three years. I explained that it was a foreign experience for me and I’m not used to it.

“Just because you’re not used to it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.”

What could I do at this point, but cry. Nothing. So I cried.

And now… I search my soul for the answers… and hope that I never lose this boy… he’s changed my life for the better…