Handsome Boy
How is it that I’ve spent so many years, clinging onto this hope that I wasn’t meant to be alone forever. I mean, in high school I just knew that I’d be alone. The majority of my life’s journey was going to be a solo venture. I accepted that fate long ago. It’s just that every time I turn around, I see the happiness that a relationship brings. I see the joy, and the comfort of a family. While I understand my role in life is different, and I’m not destined for the mundane, I can’t help but wish that there was a piece of that pie waiting for me.
This boy, this wonderful boy, has come along and disrupted the whole equilibrium of my life.
I spent months being bitter and pissed off at my ex. He was the cause for such loss. He was the cause of such hurt. And yet, he wasn’t. I started to blame myself. Who the hell was I fooling?!? I was to blame for the failure of things. I was the blame for being dumb enough to go back (again and again). I deserved what I got because I was the one who chose to not see what was going on in front of me.
Last night, I spent hours upon hours talking to this person. He always has a way of opening me up somehow. He asks interesting questions, and I have nothing to hide, from him or anyone else. And so I answer. The inner voice wants to woo him with my words. For him to see my brilliance in all the things that I say, in all the stories that I tell. Which will in turn, make him fall madly in love with me and never want me to leave his life. I realize the foolishness of this, but that child who grew up on fairy tales and happy endings can’t help but dream about it too.
And so… he brought to the forefront a plethora of issues and concerns going on in my life. Things that weren’t necessarily holding me back. Never something that was keeping me from attempting to achieve (and eventually succeeding in getting) my dream. But I have to stop. And I have to think. And I have to wonder how this guy, this man, my boy… with whom I’ve only really known for a matter of months can see me. Not just the surface me you show to everyone. Not just the funny quips, and the interesting stories, and colored hair… but deeper than that. How did he see the little girl crying? How did he know what to ask?
How can we have only really known each other a matter of a couple of months, and he know more about me than my ex ever did in nearly 3 years?
I don’t know, but I’ll always love him for it. He’ll always be someone important in my life.
Tags: relationship, soul searching