To be invisible

March 25th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

A lot of the time, I do things just for the sake of… being noticed. The clothes I wear. The style of my hair. The tattoos.

It’s not always about being seen though. Sometimes it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s asking for someone to simply acknowledge my existence. All though high school I was invisible. I remember years later, working at Starbucks, a girl came in. I recognized her immediately. I even remembered her name. She told her friend (who worked at Starbucks as well) that she didn’t remember my name, but remembered that I used to do homework for people and was smart. Apparently, I wasn’t worth knowing, except for the fact that I did people’s homework. Talk about feeling insignificant and invisible.

Every now and again, I almost wish… almost… that I could go back to being somewhat invisible. I go to school, and besides the handful of people I know (including the boy)  I avoid almost everyone else. I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to be talked to. I don’t want to be seen. I just want to be invisible.

When I achieve this goal, I don’t always have the satisfaction I should. I mean, I want to not be seen… but at times I want to be heard. It’s hard to be just a voice without a face. I guess I have to learn to take the good with the bad. Or find somewhere in the middle between the two.

It’s only those times, when I want to be seen, when I don’t want to be invisible, that I regret working so hard to not exist. It goes back to the whole “alone” issue. Knowing that most of my life is going to be spent alone. That there are few people who are going to understand me. Fewer still that will accept me as I am. And fewer yet that will bother to take the time to get to know me if they get past the first two obstacles.

I guess for now I’ll accept this role. I’ll cherish the people who seem to give a shit. And I’ll hold onto those who care.

One Response to “To be invisible”

  1. Jessica on March 28, 2008 8:58 pm

    I love you as you are, but I think you know that. I know, to a degree, what you’re saying about wanting to be invisible, but at the same time not. It’s a delicate balance and difficult to achieve. <3

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