No better song

April 28th, 2008 | Tags: ,

Ever think that the music you listen to at the moment is the exact music you should be listening to? Yeah, well, every time I hear this song show up on my iPod, I think that I suffer from this far too often… and right now, it’s definitely the boy who’s got his hold on me… unbeknownst to him.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

– “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles

My movie ending

April 28th, 2008 | Tags: ,

When I’m sitting here, trying to study, get reading done, etc, I often have the television on. Playing whatever movies are on cable. It’s not meant to distract me, and I know they’re all movies I’ve seen a hundred times in the past. But there they are, playing on my television.

I realize that Hollywood only makes their money when people watch their movies. I know that because of this, most movies have a “love interest.” I’ve learned through an ex who was a movie fanatic, just how movies work. Not to mention I’ve taken a film class and learned through that class too.

There’s a formula for movies though. There’s always a formula. And nearly all movies follow it. There’s always a girl. There’s always a boy. There’s always something that tries to keep them apart, but eventually, though everything, they end up together in the end.

As days go by, I can’t help but hope that if I’m just patient. If I can just wait this one out, he’ll come back and we can try again. I won’t “hold my breath,” so to speak, but inevitably, deep down, it really is what I want.

I joked with him on Thursday about him taking me out for a ride (on his motorcycle). Always with the “I need bugs on my helmet” joke. He said it sounded like a good idea, but that he wasn’t sure if he was going to have to work. Okay. No biggie. He had just gotten the job and I figured I probably wasn’t going to hear from him anyway. He was starting to get into the habit of making plans with me, and then turning around and doing something else, completely disregarding the plans that we made. He was starting to be a huge flake.

Not this time though. No. Friday night when he found out he had to work Saturday, he texted me to let me know. Not only did he let me know, but he seemed disappointed by the fact that we wouldn’t be able to go riding. He apologized. I told him it was okay, cause there was plenty of time… and I knew that there was a possibility that he’d have to work. But he remembered making the plans. And he remember to let me know… one way or the other. He didn’t flake.

While I’m not reading a whole lot into it, it just… surprises me.

I’m waiting for that moment, in the movie, when he comes back. Or a commercial break. Either way, I’m not handling my hormones too well this month.

Slacker, Extraordinaire

April 26th, 2008 | Tags:

Every time. I do this every time. I know I have papers due. I know I have things to read. I know that i have the most ridiculous amount of homework to do, and yet, I find something else… something I shouldn’t even be spending my time doing… and that’s what I do.

Tomorrow, when I finally sleep off the Rockstar I’ve been consuming, I will half work on part of my paper and get it started… read as much of The Last Unicorn as I possibly can, and attempt to study for my Drugs quiz that I need to take before the end of Monday.

I’ve got a doll to finish crocheting before Thursday. My paper is due Thursday.

Always. I always do this to myself. People like the boy constantly tell me that I pull off the good grades with severe procrastination because of my intelligence. The ex-bff says similar things. Michiko has also said this. Everyone keeps saying it, like I should just accept this as “the way things are” when I know better. I mean, I KNOW better than to do this. I’ll pass my classes. I’ll get the paper written, and I’ll be unhappy with it… and somehow I’ll get some ridiculously good grade. I’ll take my quiz, get at least most of the book read, enough to participate in the discussions. And all of this in a matter of days, because it’s just what I do.

It’s how I roll.

But I still feel guilty for it. I still wish that I didn’t do it. And yet, I keep doing it. I guess… I like the punishment.

Oh the disappointment

April 24th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

I knew that today was going to be a big day. I had to register for classes, though sadly, I was going to get stuck in the latter half of the afternoon, after a shitton of other people were going to get to register. Not sure how that all worked out. By the time it was 45 minutes from my registration time, my preferred lab class was wait-listed. WAIT-LISTED!! I mean, I wanted the boy to take Psychology 101 with me, and he picked his classes around that one (let’s not mention or talk about the fact that ALL of his other classes are the classes that I chose… I digress). He got in, of course. He had the most insane priority registration date. I, however, got fucked. I went ahead and wait-listed it, and signed up for another one, just in case. But seriously… it screwed my whole fuckin’ schedule up. THE. WHOLE. THING!

When I found this out, in the middle of Perception, I cried. I lost it. I nearly had the biggest nervous breakdown known to man! It was pathetic. And the boy was there to pat me on the back (literally) and tell me it would be okay and that I’d figure it out, cause I always do.

He makes these comments… all the time. I thought it was my imagination at first. That it was wishful thinking. Because some days I look at him, when he’s almost asleep in class, and wish I could touch him. Wish I could just… touch him. And other days, well, other days I wish he would just go away.

I can’t figure out what’s going on inside, and I’m confused. I can’t imagine that it’s so easy for him either. I’m guessing by the things he says, and the way he sometimes acts, that he’s equally confused. I’m only saddened by the fact that we can’t tough this confusion out together… hand in hand.

And while I smile at his little comments, and his text messages, and the smile on his face, and the look… the look he gives me… and the fact that he buys me coffee… even when I say “No thank you” too late… he thinks about me while he’s standing there in line. He thinks about me enough to buy me coffee. He buys me coffee even before I can say yes or no. And he pats my back when I’ve had a bad day. And hugs me when I think my school-world is falling apart.

Because in the end… I can’t choose to love him or not… it just happens. I just do.

I just wish he would love me back.

If life were like WoW

April 22nd, 2008 | Tags: , ,

Usually when I’m driving, I start thinking to myself how much life would be easier if it were more like World of Warcraft. I mean, yesterday, after work, I made a special trip an hour north of my home. Why? Because I needed to try to buy Poly Pellets, or for those of you non-craft people, they’re the beanie baby filler beans. Why? Because I’m making a couple of crochet amigurumi dolls for the Colusa County Fair. That and since I’m quickly gaining poor status again, I decided to make the boy his birthday present rather than buying him something.

While driving on some backwoods highways, I had directions. But they didn’t necessarily tell me how far I needed to drive before finding my exits/turns. All I could think was how nice it would be to be able to /shout Is the 162 up ahead? and get a /tell response back of “Yeah, just another 5 miles or so.”

And then I started to think about the other aspects of how WoW life is just SO much better than real life. I mean, how great would it be to inspect people when they’re afk from life, and you can see if they have neurological disorders, psychosis issues, their ethnicity (mostly to avoid foot-in-mouth moments). I mean, we wander through real life, having to “figure it out” and man, MMO’s are just designed to be SO much easier. I can /who a person and find out their face AND class. I don’t have to associate with anyone of the Horde side, which eliminates about half of the people I run into. It’s not even a matter of I don’t have to associate with them, but the language barrier means that we’re just ignored, and I ignore them. No hard feelings. No issues or concerns. I just don’t bother.

And confrontations can be taken out during PVP and Arena type situations. Just remove all frustrations by whipping someone’s ass, and it’s all okay after awhile.

And when I’m not in the mood, I can just /quit and be done with life for a little while.

Yeah. As time goes on… I start to think just how much better it would be if real life were more reflective of life in WoW. I really think I’d adjust a whole lot better. When I’m bored with my current life, I could just start over again from scratch.

The Edge of Reason

April 19th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

“You look down your nose at absolutely everyone. And you’re incapable of doing anything spontaneous or potentially affectionate. It feelsl ike you’re waiting to find someone in the VIP room, who’s… who’s so fantastic… just the way she is, that you don’t need to fix her.”

“Bridget, this is mad.”

“Perhaps you’ve thought you’ve found her. Do you want to marry me?”

“Look I…”

You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.”

– Bridget Jones to Mark Darcy “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

So confused…

April 15th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

It’s funny. This whole relationship business. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of them… but the one with the boy was definitely different. I see him differently now. I see aspects of him that I still desire. Parts of him (and I’m not speaking about anatomy or physically) I admire and adore and want to be around constantly. Other parts, annoy me. His arrogance, for example. I thought this was something he was doing, or a way he was acting, to be cute. Instead I’m finding that he really is a bit of an arrogant ass.

I’m still hugely attracted to him. He’s still damn cute. Amazingly funny and intelligent. As time goes on, I’m going to have to deal with the fact that this is just a phase, or at least I hope it is. I realize that there’s going to be a day, one within the next year, when we’re either going to be closer friends or we’re going to be distant memories. We both have grad school to think about. We both have places we might move to, though he actually considered staying at our current college. Which to me is a shame.

Last night while chatting on yahoo with the boy, we had an interesting exhange.

him: of course, i’ll probably go to [our school] for grad school anyhow
me: why? why not go somewhere else… just cause you can?
him: don’t know where else to go? where would I go?
me: anywhere. the world is open to you now… pick a place and fuckin’ go!
him: true dat. homie but who has good psych grad programs and how do I find out? not to mention out of state tuitions etc
me: uh, U of Minnesota actually has some of the best psych programs in the US and you don’t pay out of state tuition for grad school
him: no shit why not?
me: USC and UCLA have good psych programs… *shrug* no clue, but it’s fact! 😀 what, don’t trust me 😛
him: sure do. for any grad school or just u of minn?
me: any
him: Ha!! I didn’t know that!!
me: well, within the US
him: Oh, that’s friggin awesome
me: go to UHawaii!
him: I’m gonna do some research tonight
me: ha ha ha!
him: Hawaii here I (we) come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really? We?? *sigh* I could easily be reading too much into everything, sure. But I mean, really? You’re going to go to Hawaii after I tell you two things. 1) You can go anywhere, just effing go! I mean, just get the hell out of this state college and go somewhere, anywhere. And 2) You wanna go to Hawaii because I said something about going there?? We?!? So effing confusing.

I basically bombed my Perception exam. Why? Because I didn’t realize we were having an exam on the first day back from spring break. Why didn’t I know this?? Because the boy decided to call the night before and keep me up until 5am. Yup. Bad. bad. bad.

The semester is almost over, and I’m going to have to work on doing better in this particular class. Thus far, I have a solid C, and that’s just unacceptable. I’ll have to worry about getting high B’s or A’s to bring that up. Must. That’s just sheer laziness and I’m kicking myself in the ass for it now.

The Wonderful World of Wow

April 13th, 2008 | Tags: ,

Not too long ago, in a very similar place to where my butt resides as I type this, I was hooked. HOOKED I SAY, to a game called Everyquest. I only worked part time. Actually, back when the game first came out, I had friends who wanted me to play. It was appropriately named Evercrack, because it was like crack… for the anti-social, or the socially inept. Or just the shy.

My ex got me started. And once I was hooked, there was no turning back. I worked hard, played for 12-14 hours a day. I worked only enough to get by, and when I got home it was all the game. It was the least expensive pastime I’d ever had, but at the same time, it became my only pastime too. I did nothing more.

When I walked away from the game of Everquest, I decided that I would never let a game become quite the same obsession.

Until a friend talked about nothing but WoW. I mean, I had played, for like 4 days and hated it. I don’t hate it so much anymore. I play. I play it occasionally, but summer is coming, and I think it might be something I do more of. The WoW friend helps me with things. She’s guild leader, and I wish I could say that I get special preferential treatment because I knew her prior to playing WoW, but that’s not the case. She helps me out a lot, and she actually did a run for me yesterday. My Warlock is still pimping some green and blue gear, but now she’s got a ridiculous amount of purples.

And now… for some farming, and maybe… just maybe… to start doing some dailies.

On a side note, I started playing Pokemon Pearl. Too bad Michiko made me crazy obsessed and I decided to start breeding my team before I’ve killed anything. Yeah, I know. It’s disgusting. You should see the charts!

So it seems…

April 9th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

So much has happened. I’ve often heard the phrase “When it rains, it pours.” And man, they weren’t kidding when they came up with that line!

A part of me is thankful that I never told the boy about this website. That I never let him come here to read the things I had written about him. The sweet, kind and even wonderful things I’ve said about him. While I don’t take any of them back, I’m glad he’s not here reading… anymore.

Not only is there this current “break-up,” if you can even call it that, but the ex before decided to call me, after nearly 8 months of not speaking. After being devastated over the boy, realizing all of the things that I realized regarding him, I figured what the hell… it’s not like anything could REALLY go wrong, right?

Nothing necessarily went wrong, per se. Nothing is ever really wrong, at least that can’t be dealt with and fixed. There’s a conversation I need to have with him, that I’m not looking forward to having. Not details as of yet, until after I’ve had this conversation. While the disclaimer states, that I would not filter anything, this is something I need to do “offline” first. Before I write it out via my therapy here.

Strange revelations I’ve come to over the past few days. So much has happened. So many people coming back into my life from what feels like out of no where. Life is good… for the most part. Tuesday was hard. Tomorrow may be equally hard. The boundaries of friendship with the boy are blurred by him. I won’t overstep them, and I’ll do the best that I can to mask the pangs of hurt that sometimes burn in the middle of my chest, but I’m not sure where we stand. Friends, sure. I can try this “friend” thing out. I just don’t know how well I’m going to be at it.

To top it all off… a good friend is going through a break-up herself. A 5-year long relationship. Getting a text message that says, “I don’t think [significant other] is the one.” can really throw a person for the loop. Despite my own dramas. Despite my own issues. Despite the fact that my ENTIRE world has been shattered and destroyed in a matter of days… I need to be there for her. I need to help her through this. Why? Because I know it’s hard. Because she’s far too young to settle for second best and not life her dream. Because I know, I KNOW, that she is going somewhere… and deserves to have those things in life. And a friend who’s simply there, but doesn’t care wouldn’t be much of a friend at all. So I also shoulder her burden, on top of all of my own, and continue trudging on.

I have my moments, on the verge of tears, when I think that there can’t possibly be a reason for all of this. And then I wonder what horrible thing could I have done to bring this to my life right now. Ahhh, yes. It’s difficult to believe in a form of kharma, and not think that it will eventually come back to get me as well. Whatever I did, it better have been worth it.

I’ve realize how much stronger I actually am, than I even gave myself credit for. One thing the boy got right, my confidence was in the shitter after the ex. I felt caged. Like I couldn’t TALK to people about things. I had been trained to believe that everyone would immediately go on the defensive, and I would be stuck there… blinking, like a babbling idiot. It didn’t matter if what I said outloud made sense. It didn’t matter if I made valid points. While the boy wasn’t the reason for my finding a little bit of myself again, he was definitely part of the catalyst in the return of “the real me.”

It feels like I’ve found my superhuman strength again. The strength that so many people once admired. I wish I knew what happened to her while she was on vacation, but I’m damn glad she’s back.

And now… I need to tackle each of these things… individually. Carefully, and with caution… but these things will be taken care of… before the weekend closes.

The end

April 5th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I knew that all good things must come to an end, but I never expected one so abrupt. I never thought it would be… like this. I’ll get through it, I always do. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting… for now.