So it seems…

April 9th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

So much has happened. I’ve often heard the phrase “When it rains, it pours.” And man, they weren’t kidding when they came up with that line!

A part of me is thankful that I never told the boy about this website. That I never let him come here to read the things I had written about him. The sweet, kind and even wonderful things I’ve said about him. While I don’t take any of them back, I’m glad he’s not here reading… anymore.

Not only is there this current “break-up,” if you can even call it that, but the ex before decided to call me, after nearly 8 months of not speaking. After being devastated over the boy, realizing all of the things that I realized regarding him, I figured what the hell… it’s not like anything could REALLY go wrong, right?

Nothing necessarily went wrong, per se. Nothing is ever really wrong, at least that can’t be dealt with and fixed. There’s a conversation I need to have with him, that I’m not looking forward to having. Not details as of yet, until after I’ve had this conversation. While the disclaimer states, that I would not filter anything, this is something I need to do “offline” first. Before I write it out via my therapy here.

Strange revelations I’ve come to over the past few days. So much has happened. So many people coming back into my life from what feels like out of no where. Life is good… for the most part. Tuesday was hard. Tomorrow may be equally hard. The boundaries of friendship with the boy are blurred by him. I won’t overstep them, and I’ll do the best that I can to mask the pangs of hurt that sometimes burn in the middle of my chest, but I’m not sure where we stand. Friends, sure. I can try this “friend” thing out. I just don’t know how well I’m going to be at it.

To top it all off… a good friend is going through a break-up herself. A 5-year long relationship. Getting a text message that says, “I don’t think [significant other] is the one.” can really throw a person for the loop. Despite my own dramas. Despite my own issues. Despite the fact that my ENTIRE world has been shattered and destroyed in a matter of days… I need to be there for her. I need to help her through this. Why? Because I know it’s hard. Because she’s far too young to settle for second best and not life her dream. Because I know, I KNOW, that she is going somewhere… and deserves to have those things in life. And a friend who’s simply there, but doesn’t care wouldn’t be much of a friend at all. So I also shoulder her burden, on top of all of my own, and continue trudging on.

I have my moments, on the verge of tears, when I think that there can’t possibly be a reason for all of this. And then I wonder what horrible thing could I have done to bring this to my life right now. Ahhh, yes. It’s difficult to believe in a form of kharma, and not think that it will eventually come back to get me as well. Whatever I did, it better have been worth it.

I’ve realize how much stronger I actually am, than I even gave myself credit for. One thing the boy got right, my confidence was in the shitter after the ex. I felt caged. Like I couldn’t TALK to people about things. I had been trained to believe that everyone would immediately go on the defensive, and I would be stuck there… blinking, like a babbling idiot. It didn’t matter if what I said outloud made sense. It didn’t matter if I made valid points. While the boy wasn’t the reason for my finding a little bit of myself again, he was definitely part of the catalyst in the return of “the real me.”

It feels like I’ve found my superhuman strength again. The strength that so many people once admired. I wish I knew what happened to her while she was on vacation, but I’m damn glad she’s back.

And now… I need to tackle each of these things… individually. Carefully, and with caution… but these things will be taken care of… before the weekend closes.

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