Why?!?

April 4th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

It sucks. It sucks when there’s someone you know… that you’ve known for a long time… that you’ve had many a conversation with… and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice him before?”

I did, but there was always this baggage following him around. Baggage with a name. And she was constantly… in essence… stalking him. I wasn’t about to get involved in that drama.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore the boy. I know that there’s a part of me that is completely in love with him. But he’s right. I don’t need to be his rebound. And he doesn’t need to be mine. As he’s so blatantly pointed out, we’re not exclusive. I guess that leaves the door open to date other people if we so desired. I don’t really want to date anyone else. I’d love to have the boy all to myself and never have to worry ever again.

It just sucks that he lives so far away. That I can’t just want to go play pool with him and have him able to go. It has to be planned. It has to be a “day” out of it. And yet, this friend, this good friend that I’ve known for quite some time, is there. We played pool all night. Minus a few technicalities, he kicked my ASS at pool, and it was okay. Cause he’s awesome company and we get along really well.

Though I’m not even remotely thinking of giving up on the boy just yet. It just sucks that I didn’t notice the friend prior to this. I mean, I know that I’m not necessarily at the best place in life with school and work and all that mumbo jumbo, but at the same time. I want a nice guy. I want a good guy to be there for me through the thick and the thin. I want someone who claims me as theirs while I can do the same. How long is that going to be before the boy thinks we’ve reached the point where we can be an “exclusive couple?”

How long…

I guess I’m going to stick it out and see. The things he’s gone through in the time we’ve been dating has been… insane. I couldn’t make this shit up. I couldn’t even try. And yet, here we are… both of us battling through it in our own ways. Him, obviously, being the most affected. Not to say that it doesn’t affect me too. It does. I had accepted that there would be these responsibilities in his life. That there would be a point, and that point was coming nearer, where I would never be first in his life. I would be second, at best, forever. Maybe one day I’ll write about it. Work through my feelings about the whole situations. Right now, I know, that there’s NO reason for me to be put last on the list again.

He was relinquished of his duties. He no longer has to worry.

Now it’s just a matter of seeing what happens from here. Will I continue to be put last on the list of priorities? Or will he put me first… every now and again… like I’ve often done for him.

He’s not in my life to fill a gap, or a hole, or to fix me… but I know that my feelings for him are not waning. Even though I’m starting to wonder why I never noticed the friend as anything more than that… before.

Timing. Impeccable.


One Response to “Why?!?”

  1. Lise on April 5, 2008 2:02 am

    This sucks.

    I’m sorry you’re having issues with the situation. I hope you find the strength to make the right decisions.

    New relations are so tricky.

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