Movie Day and the Fat Kid Party

May 31st, 2008 | Tags:

The boy is on his way here and should be here shortly. We will be eating a ridiculous amount of food that is horribly bad for you. We each picked out 3 movies to watch, and I think it’s going to be a whole day event. I can’t wait… And at the same time, I’m a little… freaked out.

I guess we’ll see how this all goes. I hope it goes well.

And I hope I get some In & Out.

I just don’t know

May 26th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

A part of me wishes that I could just hold onto this, and relish in it. Because it’s what I wanted all along. It’s what I was hoping for all along. I wanted him to realize how wonderful I was (*smirk*) and to come running back. I wanted him to know that I would be here for him, despite the fact that at times I really don’t like him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want me back.

For all intents and purposes, that’s what I got. At least that’s my take on the conversations of the last few days.

I try to see if I can get him to talk to me about it, without having to outright ask him what the hell is going on. He’s decided that pet names are his thing again. And not just the broad “baby” he uses when he refers to his female friends. I’m talking about the “sweetie’s” and “sweetie pie’s” that he used to call me when we were first dating.

He wants me to meet his mom. His mom wants to meet me, so he asked if I was okay with that. I guess so. I don’t have any objections to it. I just wonder what he’s been telling her to make her want to meet me. I’m just some girl who came into his life and loved him for a little while during a rough spot.

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May 25th, 2008 | Tags: ,

(12:32:57 PM) the boy: ahhh. tuesday…..I don’t think we would be where we are if all we were ever going to be was friends

How was I supposed to know…

It could’ve been perfect

May 21st, 2008 | Tags: ,

I screwed off. I slacked the hell off, and my exhaustion caused me to postpone the writing of the take home final in place of sleep. I slept. I woke up early, showered and did all the good morningly stuff, and sat down to write a paper. Albeit a short paper, it still needed to be written. My apathy and lethargy is astounding! No. Really. When I got out of the shower it was just shy of 8 am. I decided to log into WoW instead. Why? I dunno. Cause the idea of writing yet another effing paper made me ill.

So I played about 40 minutes of World of Warcraft instead. Yeah. World of effing Warcraft. Why?

No clue. I have no damn clue why I do this to myself.

So I write a crappy paper, print the damn thing up, and head to school, on schedule. Get to school a little earlier than anticipated, and turn said paper in. I’m going to miss that instructor though, despite the nutso papers I had to write (mostly because I was out of my league… not the normal sort of papers I’ve ever had to write in the past, making it difficult to fake it!).

I get a call from the boy. He’s on campus early, and wanted to hang out some. I wanted food after fasting for 13-ish hours. I didn’t care what, I just REALLY wanted some FOOD! I meet up with him, we pretend to study for all of 10 minutes and go to take our final. Let’s not discuss how that final went.

We spend some more time together. This time, a plan is made. A plan for me to take him home after his next final, and he would take me riding. I was stoked. STOKED! I <3 being on a motorcycle. Even though I’d love it more if I were the one doing the driving, it’s still fun. The wind, not so fun. I got pelted with bugs at some point. And my hair. Oh my poor hair. It looked like one great big giant dreadlock. It was not cute.

But he wracked up over 300 miles on his bike, for my amusement and entertainment. He paid for gas. He paid for dinner. He stopped when my butt needed a break. We laughed about signs that I saw (“Rainbow Ranch. Not GAY, just happy“). It was just an all around good day.

On the drive home I sent the BFF a text message. “Why do they have to be perfect specimens of the male gender when you’re just friends?” Why indeed. I’m not sure, at least not completely what it is I’m hoping for. She asked if I would be better off not hanging out with him as much. The answer is yes. I would be better off. Though I’m not 100% sure that’s even what I want, at least not deep down. What I want is to finish school, and get the fuck out of this hell. This is what I’m striving for. This is what I’m working towards.

I won’t lie. Today I fell in love with him… all over again.

Tomorrow, I start over with letting go.


May 19th, 2008 | Tags: ,

I wish that when I saw this PostSecret, I didn’t immediately think of the boy and hope he was the one who sent it.

Less Traveled

May 19th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost

I remember the first time I heard this quote. I remember hearing stories similar to this very one. I think we actually had this whole discussion about it in high school.

I also remember thinking that that would be how I would live my life. I’d always go against the grain, do something different… be someone different. Not for the sake of being different, but because it means that if my time comes I won’t have missed out on the opportunities that have been available to me.

It seems, as of late, that most people I know are in… not such good moods. They’re depressed and feeling lethargic. I know this feeling all too well. It seems that I’ve become the boy’s confidante in all matters dealing with his life.

During our horrible heat wave, I decided that I would move somewhere else for grad school. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I can’t handle these horrific summers anymore. I just can’t handle 6-8 months of 90+ (and even 100+) degree weather. I just can’t do it. And the BFF has been trying to convince me to move out there with her anyway. Not literally with her, but be where she is geographically speaking. I’ve wanted to, and even thought about it. But what better reason to move than to take care of grad school? It will be an expensive endeavor, but not without help. It will be for all of the right reasons, and not because I just want to get away. I do… but I haven’t liked living here in a LONG time.

It’s been far too easy though, staying where I am. Finding whatever path has given me the least resistance (or cost). I just don’t want it to be about that anymore. I want it to be about more than that. I want to make decisions based on how to make my life better.

I won’t lie. When the boy makes jokes about going along with me, I almost wish I could be okay with it. This is my time. This is my thing. This is something I want to do for myself. Even the BFF pointed out that I could live with her for a couple months until I found a job and found a place to live… but he wasn’t invited. Though even just my being there could potentially be a HUGE inconvenience as it stands… there’s no way I’m allowing another person to come along and impose as well. Despite that little girl inside of me that wishes he could just be packed up along with the clothes, I know that I wouldn’t want him there. If we’re meant to be, we will. I just can’t take him with me everywhere I go. I want this to be for me.

I can’t tell how serious he is either. If it’s just a funny, “Let’s move to New York” sort of thing, or if he’s partially serious. I could ask. I just don’t want to know the answer. I don’t want to burst his bubble by telling him that I don’t want him to go with me.

In my head I picture this experience. Once I get a job, and find a place to live… I imagine calling the BFF up and just sitting around for hours talking about all sorts of stuff. Laughing and joking like we always do. Never being bored. I imagine wandering around a campus that is going to provide me with the education I need to get a real job… the job I’ve wanted for so long. I imagine sitting at a Starbucks there, remembering my own Starbucks, and my friends… but knowing that despite my missing everything that is good about my life here… there’s SO much more out there.

My heart is now set on getting away from here. I can’t stay at this job forever. I can’t make this little piddly salary. I need to get out, and get away. I need something other than my beloved California. I’ve simply outgrown this place.


May 16th, 2008 | Tags: ,

It’s 7:35am. 7:35!!!

It’s 70 degrees F right now. According to

WTH is this global warming crap? Srsly?!? It makes me want to punch people in the face… to stop driving their massive gigantic vehicles that are pollution bastards, and gas hogs. They are the reason why everyone’s making so much mo ney on gas… because far too much of the population here in California drive around those stupid trucks and SUVs.

I seriously need to get out of here. I haven’t slept in 3 days because of this heat.

BTW, our estimated high today is 103. *blinks*

Game Life

May 13th, 2008 | Tags: ,

SO me! Up until about 20 minutes ago.

Now, I’m gonna miss that Felguard bastard…

Shoot me

May 13th, 2008 |

So… by the end of the week, we should have temperatures near 100 degrees. 100. Really?? I dunno about the rest of you, but it seems a little early in the year to be having to deal with near 100 degree weather just yet. But that’s just me.

I’m not looking forward to the rest of this week.