Hard to admit

May 12th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

As time goes on, I come to many realizations with regard to the boy. I realize that he has been right all along. I am smarter than he is. I am more intelligent than he is. Not only that, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve experienced more in life. I’ve learned more from life. And I’ve accepted my role in this world far better than he has.

I’m not saying that we’re destined to be together. Nor am I saying that there’s some magical fix for my desire to have him, as my own, and not to let anyone else have him. There will come a day when I just know, and it will pass over me, or through me. But it will pass, somehow.

He makes assumptions of me, that I don’t think he needs to make. I don’t think he has a right to make. I don’t even think he realizes exactly what he does. I just finished watching Juno and it wasn’t the context of the movie that reached out and made me think of these things regarding the boy, it was the movie itself. Sitting there, remembering when I first introduced him to Donnie Darko, and how surprised he was by the movie. He enjoyed it immensely, and while I’m glad that he did, it was the reasons why he didn’t watch the movie prior to my wanting him to see it that bugs me about him.

He wasn’t willing to give the movie a shot because it “looked stupid.” Because the people he associates with had never seen it. I allow myself to read books I wouldn’t otherwise. I allow myself to enjoy movies that aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I’m open-minded. I often find those movies and books that aren’t mainstream, the sneakers if you will, are the ones that… change my view on life.

While I hope daily that I’ll be one step closer to just letting this one go, I know that it’s always easier said than done. That despite our differences, we really clicked on a different level. We’re polar opposites, and yet, it could have worked. It could have worked brilliantly, despite those differences. And while I understand that he went through a lot, I know that I was willing to stand beside him through all of it. Only, he didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me. I just have to learn to accept that. And admit that it just wasn’t meant to be.

This will be us one day…

One Response to “Hard to admit”

  1. Jessica on May 12, 2008 5:15 am

    You are open-minded…and about more than just movies or books. And, like me, you need someone who is also open-minded.
    Sure, it /could/ work despite your differences, but think of how much /better/ it could work without those differences. Granted, there will always be some, but those big, major, could-make-it-or-break-it differences are harder to skirt around than a difference in taste in food or a difference in toilet paper preference (I know you know this).
    Believe me, I struggle with this same thing most days myself (I know you know this too) and that’s the realization that I have been having, however reluctantly. Doesn’t change how I feel, but sometimes the head has to push the heart aside and take over for a bit.

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