I just don’t know

May 26th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

A part of me wishes that I could just hold onto this, and relish in it. Because it’s what I wanted all along. It’s what I was hoping for all along. I wanted him to realize how wonderful I was (*smirk*) and to come running back. I wanted him to know that I would be here for him, despite the fact that at times I really don’t like him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want me back.

For all intents and purposes, that’s what I got. At least that’s my take on the conversations of the last few days.

I try to see if I can get him to talk to me about it, without having to outright ask him what the hell is going on. He’s decided that pet names are his thing again. And not just the broad “baby” he uses when he refers to his female friends. I’m talking about the “sweetie’s” and “sweetie pie’s” that he used to call me when we were first dating.

He wants me to meet his mom. His mom wants to meet me, so he asked if I was okay with that. I guess so. I don’t have any objections to it. I just wonder what he’s been telling her to make her want to meet me. I’m just some girl who came into his life and loved him for a little while during a rough spot.

I went out with my sister last night… on her dime because I am again at the super poor stage of being a damn student. I love my sister. She’s actually hilarious and good company, but I wasn’t so sure about her friends. They turned out to not be so bad. The boy and I texted back and forth for a bit during the night, but once I dropped my sister off at the place she was staying, I drove home. I was ready for my couch, a sappy movie and some sleep.

When I’m 2 minutes from my apartment, my phone rings. It’s the boy. He’s completely hammered, and insistent that I was very drunk as well. He didn’t listen to me when I told him I stopped drinking before 11pm and had tons of water and some food before deciding to drive home. It was after 1am. I was safe. He was very funny at first, with his insistence. It wasn’t until the drunken ramblings began that the more intense conversation started.

He asked me to challenge him… what he meant by this I don’t know. Even asking him now, he doesn’t entirely know what he was talking about (which only makes me laugh at him a little bit more). He called this morning when he woke up, and we talked about it. According to him, he didn’t remember the conversation except for about 2%. Want to know what he remembers of the hour long conversation we had which became my confessing to him the feelings of unrequited love and affection towards him?

He remembered telling me, “I love you.”
He remembered me saying that I was afraid I feel differently than he does.

I guess sometimes I only find the guts to say things when I’ve been drinking. the fact remains though… I do love you. you are an important person in my life

I’m not sure how I feel about this. i don’t know if this is a good thing, and inevitably what I’ve been wanting all along… or if I’m just terrified that I’ll find myself fully in love with him again (not that it’s gone away much, but that’s not my point), and he’ll push me away. Again. He actually said that it would happen again. Do I stick it out and keep hoping that he will eventually come back? So I stay patient and hope of the “pay off” in the end?

I’m not sure. I don’t know. But I do know that I wasn’t prepared for this… not in the least…


One Response to “I just don’t know”

  1. Michiko on May 27, 2008 5:11 pm

    🙁

    Sorry hon, I don’t know what to say to that. I think a long, drawn-out sigh is all I can come up with.

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