Less Traveled

May 19th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost

I remember the first time I heard this quote. I remember hearing stories similar to this very one. I think we actually had this whole discussion about it in high school.

I also remember thinking that that would be how I would live my life. I’d always go against the grain, do something different… be someone different. Not for the sake of being different, but because it means that if my time comes I won’t have missed out on the opportunities that have been available to me.

It seems, as of late, that most people I know are in… not such good moods. They’re depressed and feeling lethargic. I know this feeling all too well. It seems that I’ve become the boy’s confidante in all matters dealing with his life.

During our horrible heat wave, I decided that I would move somewhere else for grad school. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I can’t handle these horrific summers anymore. I just can’t handle 6-8 months of 90+ (and even 100+) degree weather. I just can’t do it. And the BFF has been trying to convince me to move out there with her anyway. Not literally with her, but be where she is geographically speaking. I’ve wanted to, and even thought about it. But what better reason to move than to take care of grad school? It will be an expensive endeavor, but not without help. It will be for all of the right reasons, and not because I just want to get away. I do… but I haven’t liked living here in a LONG time.

It’s been far too easy though, staying where I am. Finding whatever path has given me the least resistance (or cost). I just don’t want it to be about that anymore. I want it to be about more than that. I want to make decisions based on how to make my life better.

I won’t lie. When the boy makes jokes about going along with me, I almost wish I could be okay with it. This is my time. This is my thing. This is something I want to do for myself. Even the BFF pointed out that I could live with her for a couple months until I found a job and found a place to live… but he wasn’t invited. Though even just my being there could potentially be a HUGE inconvenience as it stands… there’s no way I’m allowing another person to come along and impose as well. Despite that little girl inside of me that wishes he could just be packed up along with the clothes, I know that I wouldn’t want him there. If we’re meant to be, we will. I just can’t take him with me everywhere I go. I want this to be for me.

I can’t tell how serious he is either. If it’s just a funny, “Let’s move to New York” sort of thing, or if he’s partially serious. I could ask. I just don’t want to know the answer. I don’t want to burst his bubble by telling him that I don’t want him to go with me.

In my head I picture this experience. Once I get a job, and find a place to live… I imagine calling the BFF up and just sitting around for hours talking about all sorts of stuff. Laughing and joking like we always do. Never being bored. I imagine wandering around a campus that is going to provide me with the education I need to get a real job… the job I’ve wanted for so long. I imagine sitting at a Starbucks there, remembering my own Starbucks, and my friends… but knowing that despite my missing everything that is good about my life here… there’s SO much more out there.

My heart is now set on getting away from here. I can’t stay at this job forever. I can’t make this little piddly salary. I need to get out, and get away. I need something other than my beloved California. I’ve simply outgrown this place.

One Response to “Less Traveled”

  1. jessica on May 20, 2008 9:19 pm

    Good point. “If we’re meant to be, we will.” I wrestle with this one myself.
    Remember, even if you do decide FOR SURE to come, California will always be there if you realize that you want to go back. Maybe that is home, but you need to get out of there to grow, to really realize your own potential.
    loves you

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