This curve ball

Every time I turn around, life seems to throw me another curve ball. At times I can roll with the punches and weather things fairly well. Other times it takes its toll on me and I feel drained. I took the leap with the boy. I mean, what could I lose, right? Except my sanity. And possibly my heart… again. I guess it’s worth the risk, right? My fear… to be honest… is that things go well. And my dream to move out of California will be put on hold. Or he will follow me as a whim, and be miserable, because it wasn’t what he wanted to do… or where he wanted to go.

All things in life worth having involve some sort of risk though. I have a year, to finish up school and apply for grad schools. A year to see how this all works out. A year to decide if I’m going to stay in California for another few years to finish up my graduate degree, or leave immediately after finishing the bachelor’s. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can happen in a few short months. Of course I wish and hope that things will work out well with the boy. I really do care about him tremendously. I do love him. It’s just that I’ve spent far too much of my life, making adjustments for everyone else. This is my time to do it for me. I dread to find out that we really are perfect for each other, and I get accepted to my number one school for grad school… and I’ll either have to leave him behind… go where he wants to go… or he goes with me. Too many sacrifices to think of. Too many that involve life altering decisions. It’s far too soon to worry about them, but at the same time, I don’t want to pretend that it’s not there… eating away at the back of my mind. I have to think about it. Not thinking about it will only cause me more grief, I think.

I desperately want to write, but can’t find the motivation to be bothered with it. I really need to crochet, but I can’t seem to want to get motivated for that either. Instead, I’ll sit here, needing a shower and being a lazy ass instead. Yup. That sounds like a plan.

*sigh*

Yay for slacker laziness!

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