A Strange Question
Thursday, February 12th, 2009I’m never really sure how to present information when it’s not publically via the internet like I’ve spent most of my doing. I always talk about various things on the internet and I either get a response from someone (or many people) or I don’t get any response.
Having to deal with Hell Class from last semester, there were some friendships forged that would not otherwise have become friendships. I truly believe had it not been for the shared experience of that class, we all would have passed through each other’s lifes briefly and quickly and that would have been that.
The relationship I had with the boy (now the ex boy I suppose to keep things easy to understand for those following along) was left on the backburner. It had always been less significant for him (at least that’s how it felt to me) than it ever was for me. However, when it came to school and making things awkward or not awkward for those around us, I chose the not awkward route. I had my friends with whom I confided the sordid details of the final days of the relationship, but I kept it out of the public when it came to the people at school. I have a feeling that the assumption was that the ex-boy and I were together, but that very few people knew the actual status of the kind of relationship he and I shared. That was his request. I wasn’t ashamed of him, or scared of people knowing. But for him, however, it was all about “school is school and outside of school is outside of school.” They were different worlds in his mind and I respected that, even though I didn’t fully understand it.
Today was the first time anyone who has known the two of us, asked a question. Not just any question, but the question.
Friend 1: So, I have a question for you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Friend 1: So you and the ex-boy, you guys aren’t together are you?
Me: Oh no.
Friend 1: So you guys were never together?
Me: Oh we were, but that ended in November.
Friend 1 and 2: Oh!
And then came the questions and the quick rundown of what happened and the reasons why I ended things.
I explained to Friend 2 that I didn’t want things to be weird, or awkward for anyone so I left people out of it. After Friend 1 took off to meet her roommate, I walked with Friend 2 most of the way to her car and I explained some more of it.
While I often focus on a lot of the trivial nonsense: his lack of a job for 90% of our relationship, his scruffy hair, his inability to understand the “geek” side of me, etc. it really came down to much more than that. Something more fundamental. He simply didn’t respect me. I started to notice those negative traits he adopted from his roommates and thus turned them on me much earlier. However, the kind of relationship I had with the ex-boy versus the ex were totally different. It was almost easier to deal with the downright cheating the ex did over what the ex-boy did. It’s hard to decide when the time to walk away is. How much abuse do you continue to take when it’s inadvertent and masked by showers of admiration and attention? How can I be the “best girlfriend ever” and yet be the butt of your jokes when we’re out with your roommate?
It was those things that I couldn’t take anymore. The “show of power.” I miss aspects of that relationship, but for the most part I don’t miss the ex-boy at all. I definitely don’t miss the drama that went along with him, nor the drunken accusations, or any of the many other negative things that relationship produced.
No. There’s a clear line that has been created between his side of the room and mine. He respects that line, and it’s better that way… for both of us. It just seems weird to me that no matter how hard I try to keep things under wraps, there’s someone who is more observant than they let on. And they’re willing to ask the question no one else was.