It’s a funny thing…

While in Human Sexuality today… wait a minute, lemme back up just a second.

While on Plurk today… Narilka linked to this. Particularly she was interested in turning the Apple logo into a little lcd monitor type of thing. While that’s cool, it would require me to actuall own a mac in order to even think about wanting to do something like that.

Now back in Human Sexuality… because of Narilka, I scrolled down on that link. And I saw some stuff about making the glowing logo on an MSI Wind Hackintosh. Yeah. I thought about doing that to my little Acer Aspire One, but once I started using the damn thing I didn’t want to be bothered with a lack of Wifi, and having to bust it open just to change stuff out. And it would’ve been a whole lotta nonsense in order to even think about getting OSX to work on it. So I gave up on the idea.

But today I got to reading about everything you need to do in order to make it work on the MSI Wind. Okay, sure, I’d have to actually buy the MSI Wind, which is much more expensive than the Acer, but without having to bust the damn thing open you can actually have a working Hackintosh. A NanoMac, as they’ve been called “on the net.”

Fast forward a few more  hours after I’ve arrived home, picked up some borrowed DVDs, and head over to a friend’s house. Love the woman to death, but she knows almost nothing about computers. She can use them for what she needs but someone changed the default mp3 player from itunes to WMP, and she was freakin’ out and couldn’t figure out what the hell happened. Fixed that for her. But the real purpose of my visit was to get her wireless router up and running. Poor thing is using AT&T DSL. Not the fast DSL, but the slowest one they’ve got. It’s more than enough for what she needs, but her download speeds are 1/6 of what I do. It made me want to cry. Problem was, there’s this whole “login/password” THING with AT&T. That stuff is obnoxious. Granted I know what I’m doing, but AT&T don’t have their shit together. That poor little router was having a bitch of a time trying to figure out what the HELL was going on last night. I couldn’t get it working and now T needed to call AT&T and figure out wtf they did.

She got the right information and lo… it worked. *insert sarcasm here* Surprise surprise. *rolls eyes as well*

So, she loves to listen to me talk about all the crazy dumb things I’m cooking up in my brain. She knows I have an unlocked iPhone and that I did all the unlocking. So I told her how I needed to save $300 so I could buy an MSI Wind on ebay.

She said buy it.
What?!?!?
Buy it! I’m gonna get it for you as a gift.
Woman, are you crazy? I’m not going to click that “buy it now” link.
If you don’t do it, I’m going to do it when you’re not looking anyway.
Uh… okay.

I refused to take her order. That’s not what I was talking about. This is not what I was trying to do. I was not trying to coax her into buying something for me. I thought I’d tell her my crazy little scheme and we’d laugh about what a computer geek I am. And she’d make fun of me, and I’d make fun of her lack of computer knowledge and all would be well.

She didn’t take no for an answer. While I am not an unappreciative person by any means, I still feel a little guilty about it.

Despite my guilt… despite the fact that really, with all the research and all the learning (about how to successfully get OSX running on it) I wasn’t going to buy it. Not for awhile. Not until WELL after school was finished and I had some disposable income. I guess I don’t have to worry about it anymore as I will have one in my hot little hands in about a week.

Guess what I’m doing for Spring Break…

Gotta say though, I will have to find some way to repay her for her kindness. She thinks me doing all this “computer work” for her deserves a gift of that type. I think she’s crazy, but when I’ve got that tiny little notebook in my hands running OSX, I’m going to love her a WHOLE lot.

The world is falling apart

So I found out today that not only is graduating a damn good thing, but it seems that there is a real possibility that California will no longer be subsidizing tuition which means students will end up having to pay full price for tuition. That sucks, and gives me yet another reason to leave California when the chance arises.

Facebook has turned into the next myspace, only worse. Myspace wasn’t so bad because a lot of work people didn’t bother. Not that it matters because I don’t (and won’t) use myspace for anything. Ever. I had to change my profile to remove my domains from my facebook profile. Why? Because there are a billion work people running around on facebook now and it’s starting to border on being rather silly. I mean, I’m feeling like my mom is reading my diary type of thing. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I guess so long as they don’t follow me on twitter or plurk, I’ll be alright. When that day comes, I think I’m taking a sabatical from the internet. No. Really.

I’m nearly finished with my first pair of knit socks. They’re not the best, but at least I can say I made them. And then I get to work on trying to make more socks… only better.

School is whooping my ass, and I’m ready for it to be done. I’m ready to sit on my ass and do nothing for a little bit when it’s all over. Well, there’s work, but I mean, I don’t have to spend nearly every waking moment reading, or writing, or reading and writing, and studying. I’m pretty burned out.

A Strange Question

I’m never really sure how to present information when it’s not publically via the internet like I’ve spent most of my doing. I always talk about various things on the internet and I either get a response from someone (or many people) or I don’t get any response.

Having to deal with Hell Class from last semester, there were some friendships forged that would not otherwise have become friendships. I truly believe had it not been for the shared experience of that class, we all would have passed through each other’s lifes briefly and quickly and that would have been that.

The relationship I had with the boy (now the ex boy I suppose to keep things easy to understand for those following along) was left on the backburner. It had always been less significant for him (at least that’s how it felt to me) than it ever was for me. However, when it came to school and making things awkward or not awkward for those around us, I chose the not awkward route. I had my friends with whom I confided the sordid details of the final days of the relationship, but I kept it out of the public when it came to the people at school. I have a feeling that the assumption was that the ex-boy and I were together, but that very few people knew the actual status of the kind of relationship he and I shared. That was his request. I wasn’t ashamed of him, or scared of people knowing. But for him, however, it was all about “school is school and outside of school is outside of school.” They were different worlds in his mind and I respected that, even though I didn’t fully understand it.

Today was the first time anyone who has known the two of us, asked a question. Not just any question, but the question.

Friend 1: So, I have a question for you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Friend 1: So you and the ex-boy, you guys aren’t together are you?
Me: Oh no.
Friend 1: So you guys were never together?
Me: Oh we were, but that ended in November.
Friend 1 and 2: Oh!

And then came the questions and the quick rundown of what happened and the reasons why I ended things.

I explained to Friend 2 that I didn’t want things to be weird, or awkward for anyone so I left people out of it. After Friend 1 took off to meet her roommate, I walked with Friend 2 most of the way to her car and I explained some more of it.

While I often focus on a lot of the trivial nonsense: his lack of a job for 90% of our relationship, his scruffy hair, his inability to understand the “geek” side of me, etc. it really came down to much more than that. Something more fundamental. He simply didn’t respect me. I started to notice those negative traits he adopted from his roommates and thus turned them on me much earlier. However, the kind of relationship I had with the ex-boy versus the ex were totally different. It was almost easier to deal with the downright cheating the ex did over what the ex-boy did. It’s hard to decide when the time to walk away is. How much abuse do you continue to take when it’s inadvertent and masked by showers of admiration and attention? How can I be the “best girlfriend ever” and yet be the butt of your jokes when we’re out with your roommate?

It was those things that I couldn’t take anymore. The “show of power.” I miss aspects of that relationship, but for the most part I don’t miss the ex-boy at all. I definitely don’t miss the drama that went along with him, nor the drunken accusations, or any of the many other negative things that relationship produced.

No. There’s a clear line that has been created between his side of the room and mine. He respects that line, and it’s better that way… for both of us. It just seems weird to me that no matter how hard I try to keep things under wraps, there’s someone who is more observant than they let on. And they’re willing to ask the question no one else was.

Overwhelmed

The feeling of being overwhelmed has been around for a fair share of the last few days. I’ve made it a goal to try to get at least a chapter of reading done per day (though I’ve already fallen behind today to write a paper) in hopes of catching up on what has easily become the most ridiculous semester yet.

I realize that a lot of my frustration lies in the fact that I didn’t want to stick around Sac State for another semester and am currently attempting to take 18 units. Which considering the way the last 3 semesters have gone (minus hell class) it shouldn’t have been that bad. Too bad they’re ALL reading intensive classes. We’ll see how well I fare.

While it’s pretty late right this second, I’ve got most of my paper outlined and I’m just wasting a bit of time before getting all of the writing done. It will be done tonight before going to bed. Hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I mentioned on Plurk (and other social networking sites) how I needed to use my blogs more. Actually blog. I’ve gotten so used to the interaction of how Plurk works that I forget entirely the actual act of writing something other than a single sentence or two. The hope is that once I’ve caught up on all of reading, I can a) go out and socialize for more than an hour or two and b) I might be able to concentrate on doing some writing.Though at this point, crochet and knitting have been postponed as well. Which is even more sad since I joined Woolgirl‘s Sock Club and should be expecting the first shipment in upcoming weeks (about 3-ish).

*heavy sigh* And now I shall go back to the paper writing. Wish me luck.

Never Would Have Guessed

It’s funny… Friday afternoon after I got off of work meant the start of my 9 day vacation. Sure that includes 2 weekends, but that’s besides the point. It was 9 days of no school, and no work… and no nothing. It was supposed to be the start of getting things done that I wanted to do not to mention, vegging to the point of ridiculous and enjoying the hell out of it.

So far, I’ve slept in until 10:30 am, this morning. Mostly I’ve been running around like crazy, meeting up with this person or that person for whatever reason. I’ve been putzing around the apartment doing little things here and there. Of course, as always, the gifts meant for others are getting done much more quickly than the items I want to make for myself. In the end, though, I hope to get one good knit project done (rather than 5 crocheted).

While the vacation hasn’t been much of a vacation, I have a feeling it’ll get there. I’ll get my few days of not having to go out, or be around other people, or just in general get to lie around. When that happens, it will have been worth it.

Grades are starting to come in… So far, I’m passing. We’ll see how the rest go.

I’ve got cookie dough cooling in the fridge and I can’t WAIT to make cookies tomorrow.

Last paper… status: finished!

What should have been a pretty easy paper to write turned into something much more difficult. In the end I was pretty content with what I wrote, reaching just a little more than the minimum. I’m hoping I incorporated enough of the concepts from class to make it seem semi-coherent as well as making the “autobiography” portion of it somewhat interesting.

I’ve been working on customizing things on the iPhone… again. I also think I need to work on some plurk themes in order to make myself feel better. At least edit some of the already created ones so that they’re more… functional. It seems that people are so caught up in incorporating SO much anymore that they forget about aesthetics. Simple = good.

I want to purchase another domain, like I really need another one. I have a hard time keeping up with this one, let alone the writing one (since I basically do very little writing anymore) that I truly have NO need for another domain. And yet I sit here contemplating another one. I’ll likely not get it, if there’s any chance of me reobtaining the one that’s currently in limbo.

I want and need to create some new playlists… life just doesn’t seem worth living without some kind of playlist, right? And I’m always looking for new music. Any genre (though very little country). If you’re reading, please make a musical suggestion. I’ll love you for suggesting, and I’ll love you forever if I adore the music you offered up on the table.

Tomorrow is the last and final bit of this semester and I’m definitely ready for it to be over. 2 finals. A trip to the bar with classmates and work tomorrow and I’ll be on vacation. A long, much needed, vacation. Friday 4:30 can’t come soon enough!

The Pondering of a lost mind

I’ve recently upgraded to the newest WordPress. I was a little scared given the disaster from the last time I upgraded… but thus far everything is working smoothly. This new dashboard will take some getting used to, no doubt. I suppose as wtih everything, it will only be a matter of time.

I am currently procrastinating and refusing to work on a paper that I know I definitely need to do. Distraction and procrastination are very easy. The actual writing… not so much. I suppose it wouldn’t be nearly as bad if it weren’t something so obscenely personal.

I keep hoping that I’m going to write more often, but I have this feeling that it’s not likely. I lost my “writer” domain. Not sure how that happened, but the registrar wants a ridiculous amount of money for me (the owner) to get it back, beyond just the domain fee. I’ll try to see if I can’t snag it once it’s available, but if I lose it, then, well, it’s lost. I suppose I could just find another… something that speaks to me in a similar way. I’m not sure though. I had the two domains because this one was my “online persona” for so long. And the new one was me now. I’m saddened, but I’m trying not to let it affect me to the point of tears. It’s an intangible thing, y’know, when all is said and done. It’s just a silly little webplace. Nothing super important. Maybe before working on this paper, I can look for a new one… maybe.

And now that at least an hour has passed and I’ve accomplished all of nothing for this paper, I think it’s time to close all windows and get to it. *sigh* I had such high hopes for this blog entry too. Ah well. Off tow ork I go!

Perceptual changes

My first semester of University was an interesting one. That strange feeling in the pit of my stomach as I ventured onto an unknown campus. No, I didn’t tour the campus before deciding on a school. It was literally the flip of a coin. I had two choices and only enough funds to apply for one. I picked one, got in, and the rest is history. That first semester I made two friends. Steve and Cindi. We met in our History of Rock class. I had the handful of people I spoke to, but mostly I stuck to myself. None of the friendships from that first semester became anything. Except with Mike (who obviously became my boyfriend after the second semester).

There’s a certain perception of people when you’re in class. I know that I have put myself into significant amounts of debt in order to be in school. Not everyone is in my boat. This is just part of the course of life. I had to struggle to get there. I had to deal with many ups, but mostly downs. I’ve had help from strangers, and help from friends. My father has helped me in more ways than I could ever count. So when I’m sitting in class, I’m there for a purpose… to learn. I’m not there to listen to the two stupid blonde girls chattering away as though they were at a baseball game (the one’s I’ve often shushed). I’m not there to listen to people whisper loudly in the middle of something a professor has just announced will be on a test/exam.I’m there to listen, and learn. Most… however… don’t understand this.

This semester has broken many molds. There are those who I wrote off as retarded, insignificant, annoying and any other negative term I could possibly imagine. And I’ve become friends with many of them. This Psychology 101 class has brought a group of people together that would not otherwise have been friends. I know this for a fact. We vary so much in age. We vary in background, previous education that led us to being in this class… but mostly, the proximity of our lab has yielded me some of the best friends I’m likely to make while in college.

The big plan next thursday after class… we’re all getting drinks. Together. As a whole unit. Because we endured. We made it through, by the skin of our teeth, but we made it through. All the tears, the sweat, the frustration and the annoyances will bring us to the same place. People I would never have sat with in a bar, I will sit with. We will all toast to the end and the finality of the semester. The hell we’ve all endured will be over. We became a family, that small group of us. We had a common bond, but it was more than that. It was the intimacy. The humor. The laughter we shared.

There is no better feeling in the world, than to find friends in people who previously annoyed the living shit out of you. I am one who LOVES and relishes in the fact that I can be wrong. And I was.

I will miss all of these people greatly… but come Thursday… we’re getting drunk!

Strange place in life

I’ve been in this weird limbo state lately. There are moments when I miss the boy, but it’s not any one thing in particular. It’s the friendship and companionship that I think I miss the most. There was a good dynamic between the two of us, despite the obvious lack of relationship chemistry.

I had a dream about another ex. Doesn’t really matter who. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. My cat was peeing on his carpet and he didn’t seem to care. I went to get her and stop her, but realized there was no litter box for her (for some reason). She wandered into another room and I woke up.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago about a professor. Male. It was really weird. I don’t even know if I can recall all of it, but it was almost sexual, but not really. Very strange. Very weird. Left me wondering if I was disturbed in the head or something.

I’ve been a bit of a fangirl lately, though I’m not quite sure I’m ready to admit what it is I’m been fangirl-ing it about. I know the irrationality of it. I know that it’s for some underlying reason that I have yet to understand even myself. It’s some sick indulgence that serves no purpose whatsoever. And yet, I’ve watched the same movie about 3 times a night for the last week. Same. Movie. It’s rather pathetic. Mostly it’s background noise, but this mini-fangirl moment is melding through into my phone. I think really, it’s regression in it’s worst form. Though I am NOT qualified to diagnose anyone, let alone myself, that’s really what I think it is. It’s like going back in time, and reliving those parts of my childhood I felt I had little control over.

This realization doesn’t make it any better, or less pathetic. It just makes me a weirder fangirl. *sigh*

I’m looking forward to my Charlie Brown Xmas with Jenjen. It should be a good week. I get that week off (thank goodness) and it’s the first week after the worst semester of school ends.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a pass across all classes this semester. The anxiety and the stress and the bouts of severe depression has taken it’s toll. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get through by the skin of my teeth. Barely but enough. That’s all I care about. Barely, but enough.

It’s been awhile

I haven’t written in awhile, and I feel the effects of carrying a load inside of my own head. I want to bitch about things, and yet, I never can seem to get all of it out. People keep interrupting me. People keep asking me other questions, throwing me for loops and taking me on the tangent ride. It’s quite frustrating. Even my own boyfriend is starting to drive me insane.

And really that’s what this bitch session is gonna be about. He is the reason why I need a moment away from the world, just me and my words, because he’s absolutely driving me to the point of wishing I were single again. Actually, I woke up the other day thinking I might be better off without a boyfriend… though I know how irrational people can be when they first get up in the morning, so I sluffed that idea off.

He is absolutely not the horrible bastard i sometimes make him out to be in my mind, I realize this. But there are times when he needs to take a fuckin’ step back and treat me like a girl. The intimate part of our relationship has gone stagnant, to the point that it feels as though we’re an old married couple who don’t live together. Everything seems to cause such a strain and a chore. He never wants to go do things with my friends, but I have to endure the unending string of “bachelor-hood” and his roommates when I go to his place. He invites people along on our “dates” which apparently he didn’t see as a date or he wouldn’t have invited people along!

The stress and strain of school is wearing on me. It feels as though he’s leaning very heavily on me to help keep him afloat, or that it’s my job to make things understandable for him. He often looks at what I did, and how I did it, getting frustrated and annoyed when he doesn’t understand the answer I give him.

I have heard multiple times during the last week “I just need a beer.” Which isn’t so bad. It’s the “I bought a bottle of wine and was only going to have a glass, but ended up having the whole bottle” part that bothers me. He complains about his “drunk” roommates, but he doesn’t seem to be faring all that well himself. For all of life’s bumps, it’s beer that seems to fix it all!!

We all have our crutches, sure. But when he gets drunk, after he’s been drinking for a bit, he turns into the biggest most condescending asshole imaginable! I just don’t understand how his mind works when he’s gotten a bit of alcohol in his system. I’m fun, and happy when I’m drunk. I don’t understand this “I need to destroy all the good things in my life by starting shit” mentality when drunk.

My friend’s don’t use alcohol as a means to cope with life. They don’t use drugs either. I have a hard time being okay with the fact that he not only drinks far too much for his own good, but has not one, but TWO pipes for weed sitting on his bedside table. Mind you, I don’t have personal issues with pot when it’s just recreational, or occasional. But I know when he’s around his roommates, it’s just “what we do.” Yeah, that’s not okay with me. I didn’t sign up for the drunken pot-head to be my boyfriend either.

Oh, and his new thing is to make plans on weekends he’s supposed to come up to see me. Or invite me along, knowing I am going to be the one to fare the gas/driving bill. He doesn’t offer to give me gas money to go along on event A if I drive to him. Oh no. He also doesn’t offer to come get me and take me to event A either, knowing he gets almost 20 miles/gallon more than I do in the car. Nope. Whatever.

And now there are these other little details, which he must have believed were minute, but they’re eating away at me, bugging the shit out of me. He had this female friend, which apparently had this HUGE crush on him… which inevitably becomes part of the reason why they are no longer friends. But I found out she is the only other person to be a passenger on his motorcycle. Before me. She tried to sleep with him too… did she succeed? I mean we weren’t together, but that’s a kink in the works I’m not willing to let go too lightly.

His inability to make a decision, about anything, is starting to bug me too. He has ideas for the direction of his life, but no plans. No goals. Just point A and point B, but no actually means of getting there… and these are not the kinds of things where geometry fixes the equation. There MUST be a plan of some kind. But while I’m trying to stay on the straight path between my point A and my point B, he’s wandering around all over the place… including me in his ridiculous plans to move here, or move there, or apply for this crazy expensive school (like a dumb ass)… whatever is his current whim… that’s the “goal” or “plan” of the moment. Well, I’m not playing that game. I’m sticking to my plan. If he wants to be a part of it, he can. Otherwise, I’m leaving his ass behind.

Which leads me to my last and final point… if I’m so willing to just leave him behind that easily, why bother at all? What is the point of this relationship which is good most of the time, but when I’m not happy and things aren’t good it’s rather catastrophic and my mind goes straight to… I want nothing to do with him.

He senses, at times, when things are wrong. Suddenly he tells me again and again how much he loves me, how awesome I am, how he’s so luck to have me as a girlfriend, and on and on. It’s all sweet. It really is. But over done and over played. It doesn’t weigh as much with me anymore. I just think he wants to smooth over the surface, and pat me on the head until the water calms again.

I wish it worked that way, hun, I wish it did.