In a state of thixotropy

It’s been awhile

I haven’t written in awhile, and I feel the effects of carrying a load inside of my own head. I want to bitch about things, and yet, I never can seem to get all of it out. People keep interrupting me. People keep asking me other questions, throwing me for loops and taking me on the tangent ride. It’s quite frustrating. Even my own boyfriend is starting to drive me insane.

And really that’s what this bitch session is gonna be about. He is the reason why I need a moment away from the world, just me and my words, because he’s absolutely driving me to the point of wishing I were single again. Actually, I woke up the other day thinking I might be better off without a boyfriend… though I know how irrational people can be when they first get up in the morning, so I sluffed that idea off.

He is absolutely not the horrible bastard i sometimes make him out to be in my mind, I realize this. But there are times when he needs to take a fuckin’ step back and treat me like a girl. The intimate part of our relationship has gone stagnant, to the point that it feels as though we’re an old married couple who don’t live together. Everything seems to cause such a strain and a chore. He never wants to go do things with my friends, but I have to endure the unending string of “bachelor-hood” and his roommates when I go to his place. He invites people along on our “dates” which apparently he didn’t see as a date or he wouldn’t have invited people along!

The stress and strain of school is wearing on me. It feels as though he’s leaning very heavily on me to help keep him afloat, or that it’s my job to make things understandable for him. He often looks at what I did, and how I did it, getting frustrated and annoyed when he doesn’t understand the answer I give him.

I have heard multiple times during the last week “I just need a beer.” Which isn’t so bad. It’s the “I bought a bottle of wine and was only going to have a glass, but ended up having the whole bottle” part that bothers me. He complains about his “drunk” roommates, but he doesn’t seem to be faring all that well himself. For all of life’s bumps, it’s beer that seems to fix it all!!

We all have our crutches, sure. But when he gets drunk, after he’s been drinking for a bit, he turns into the biggest most condescending asshole imaginable! I just don’t understand how his mind works when he’s gotten a bit of alcohol in his system. I’m fun, and happy when I’m drunk. I don’t understand this “I need to destroy all the good things in my life by starting shit” mentality when drunk.

My friend’s don’t use alcohol as a means to cope with life. They don’t use drugs either. I have a hard time being okay with the fact that he not only drinks far too much for his own good, but has not one, but TWO pipes for weed sitting on his bedside table. Mind you, I don’t have personal issues with pot when it’s just recreational, or occasional. But I know when he’s around his roommates, it’s just “what we do.” Yeah, that’s not okay with me. I didn’t sign up for the drunken pot-head to be my boyfriend either.

Oh, and his new thing is to make plans on weekends he’s supposed to come up to see me. Or invite me along, knowing I am going to be the one to fare the gas/driving bill. He doesn’t offer to give me gas money to go along on event A if I drive to him. Oh no. He also doesn’t offer to come get me and take me to event A either, knowing he gets almost 20 miles/gallon more than I do in the car. Nope. Whatever.

And now there are these other little details, which he must have believed were minute, but they’re eating away at me, bugging the shit out of me. He had this female friend, which apparently had this HUGE crush on him… which inevitably becomes part of the reason why they are no longer friends. But I found out she is the only other person to be a passenger on his motorcycle. Before me. She tried to sleep with him too… did she succeed? I mean we weren’t together, but that’s a kink in the works I’m not willing to let go too lightly.

His inability to make a decision, about anything, is starting to bug me too. He has ideas for the direction of his life, but no plans. No goals. Just point A and point B, but no actually means of getting there… and these are not the kinds of things where geometry fixes the equation. There MUST be a plan of some kind. But while I’m trying to stay on the straight path between my point A and my point B, he’s wandering around all over the place… including me in his ridiculous plans to move here, or move there, or apply for this crazy expensive school (like a dumb ass)… whatever is his current whim… that’s the “goal” or “plan” of the moment. Well, I’m not playing that game. I’m sticking to my plan. If he wants to be a part of it, he can. Otherwise, I’m leaving his ass behind.

Which leads me to my last and final point… if I’m so willing to just leave him behind that easily, why bother at all? What is the point of this relationship which is good most of the time, but when I’m not happy and things aren’t good it’s rather catastrophic and my mind goes straight to… I want nothing to do with him.

He senses, at times, when things are wrong. Suddenly he tells me again and again how much he loves me, how awesome I am, how he’s so luck to have me as a girlfriend, and on and on. It’s all sweet. It really is. But over done and over played. It doesn’t weigh as much with me anymore. I just think he wants to smooth over the surface, and pat me on the head until the water calms again.

I wish it worked that way, hun, I wish it did.

Tags: emo, life, me, relationship, the boy
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In need

There is definitely something to be said about the ridiculous amount of money that I spend in tuition at school. Mostly that I get some medical care for free as part of that cost. The second is that they offer some psychological help when needed.

Today I ditched most of my classes to go talk to someone. It takes a lot to admit that you’re losing control. It takes a lot to know that only someone else can tell you how to regain some of that control.

So today, I sought help.

We’ll see how it turns out, but for now… I’m going to have to trudge through and hope that on those bad days, no one I care about or love is in the way. Because it seems that little voice in your head that talks you down from yelling at neighbor kids, or screaming obscenities at someone can be diminished. Stress, lack of sleep, exhaustion and frusration can make that little voice dormant.

I haven’t been a pleasant person to be around the last few weeks. I don’t like it.

Tags: life, school
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What I want to do…

What I’d like to be doing right now is enjoying the new episode of House that I still haven’t seen. What I would like to be doing is sleeping, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen. And on top of that, I’d like to sleep and NOT have to wake up in the morning and go to work, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen.

That’s just not going to happen, so I’ll stop complaining.

Let’s talk about school for a minute though. Let’s talk about how much of a work load I’ve got and I’m attempting to stay ahead of the game, and while I’m not behind, I’m not caught up or on par either. It’s driving me absolutely batty, but I know that if I don’t at least try for all A’s, then my chances of bringing my GPA up high enough to even be considered for grad school are out the window.

I’m going to have to figure out this whole money situation as well. I’m not hurting, not yet. I’m working on trying to maintain this positive attitude with regard to getting stuff paid off, and all this other nonsense. I mean. I’m slightly ahead of the game right now, but it’s still kind of disheartening to see how little money I have stashed into savings for the remainder of the semester. I just have to remember that I do get another check for financial aid as the semester progresses, so I’m not completely screwed. Not completely.

The world as I know it has ceased to be. My boyfriend (with whom I’m quite happy with) has ceased to actually be a boyfriend since school has started. We maintain this distance while we’re at school, which is actually okay… but this distance has overflowed into the weekend… and I’m starting to miss my actual boyfriend, rather than my classmate (whom I get to see often). It’s very hard to explain without it coming across as rather childish and, well, high school-y. But I promise it makes perfect sense in my head.

My favorite class of the semester is definitely American Sign Language 1. Somewhere inside of me, this class has awoken this weird desire. I mean, I actually love the class. I haven’t loved any class in a long time. It’s not because it’s easy, or unchallenging. It’s just so unbelievably different, and I feel as though I’m accomplishing something.

All the psych classes make me feel like I’m relearning all the same shit. Over, and over, and over, and over again… ad nauseum. It’s really sad. I’ve heard multiple concepts be introduced in class, and I can’t keep track of which instructor/professor was the first one to talk about it… It’s like they’ve all gathered together just to confuse the shit out of me.

I’m on sensory overload. My class load is too much, I realize this now. But my determination to not be at Sac State for a 5th semester is keeping me going. I’m just tired. Tired all the time.

I’ve forgotten to write. Because almost all of my waking free time is spent with some stupid text book in front of my face. This weekend? I have 3 papers to write. Nothing big… none of them so intense that I couldn’t do them all in a single day. Each of them so entirely different from the others that I might just have to take an hour break in between to prepare my brain for the shifting of gears.

How the HELL am I going to do next semester with 18 units, when I can hardly function this semester with 16. *sigh* No clue. I’ll figure it all out though. Eventually.

For now, I’m heading to bed… somewhat earlier than normal.

P.S. My now fixed cat, after being depressed for 5-6 days is finally acting normal again (thank goodness). Her little doped up face made me cry, on a number of occasions as I felt the effects of my selfishness and inability to deal with her in heat… and it took it’s toll. I’ve always had fixed animals, and I don’t know if I can handle going through that again. She’s eating well again, and has gained some weight back. She’s jumping playing and acting normal. Yay. I missed my love muffin. ha!

Tags: life, school
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An Amazing Birthday

So the boy bought me this wonderful stash of candy goodness… avoiding chocolate (and while I love chocolate like the next guy, he knows I’m much more a sugar person having a strange affinity for gummy candies especially). He also bought me this insane stash of book. Not just any books. But books he’s seen me wander around the bookstore with, desperately wanting to buy, but always putting it back because it’s just out of my price range for the minute.

He also got me this framed watercolor painting that his roommate did. He remembered the first time I saw all of Garnier’s paintings, how much I said I loved this one in particular. So he bought it for me. It’s being hung immediately when I get home. That to me, beyond the books and candy, means a whole lot. A whole lot.

I’ve quite thoroughly enjoyed having internet and being able to use my blazing fast computer again. How much I’ve missed having internet at home. That will definitely be one of the FIRST things I reestablish the second I get some money. The first.

There are some new pictures on Flickr. If I weren’t in a hurry, I’d add them to the post. Maybe later.

Tags: birthday, reflection, relationship, the boy
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One day closer

The infamous birthday is less than 24 hours away. It’s the birthday that is supposed to end all birthdays, right? I mean, I’m hitting the big three-oh! It’s this monumental life event. Although besides the birthday bash, nothing exciting is happening. There are no other life-altering events going on.

I mean, this is one of those traumatizing events though, for most women. I’m told I don’t look my age, and while flattering, doesn’t do any good for the physical parts of me that cannot seem to function quite the same way. If I could manage to get myself into a gym and tone up some of the slightly flabby bits, I might be able to work on transforming the body just a little bit, and helping keep my “youthful appearances.”

On the whole, I don’t really care that much. It’s a big event though. In a year I’ll have graduated with a degree (finally). The boy and I are planning on moving in together in Chico, where it has an almost “other world” feel to it. It’s surprising only because I hate Yuba City… hate hate hate hate hate it. I hate the guy I rent my apartment from (because he’s a douche bag). I hate how the city was planned poorly, and the “old boys” who run the place refuse to allow changes to make things… better.

Regardless. I will be moving… no matter what. I will be making some necessary changes in my life in order for things to be better. I need better. I’m so tired of struggling, and barely getting by. I think a little bit of comfort would be nice. I’m hoping 30 brings that… eventually.

I guess it’s time to face the music and… *gasp* grow up.

Tags: contemplation, friends, life
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Happy

I spent a pretty decent amount of time after getting home looking over some old OpenDiary entries. I read through a lot of them, as they were from 2001. It was a difficult year for me, filled with love, pain, loss of my job, disappointment, desperation and a plethora of other emotions I can’t even begin to convey in words.

While I read it seemed like I was reading a story someone wrote and told me it was my life. I guess that’s the point of journaling, for that opportunity later in life, when you’re not even remotely the same person anymore, when you can look back and read it all and laugh at yourself (and others of course!).

As I read through some of the relationship-y bits, it made me that much more appreciative for the way things have been going with the boy. I’m so very happy because of him, and with him. We all have bad days… sure. But he makes so many of them better by simply being… him.

Tags: love, nostalgia, the boy
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“The Talk”

Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.

Tags: life, relationship, school, the boy
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The mind of a girl

I spend entirely too much time contemplating what makes people do the things that they do. This weekend inevitably ended up being the perfect example of why some women give other women a bad name. I’ll explain.

After a handful of trying and otherwise relationship-taxing weekend, this weekend was meant for me and the boy… mostly alone, but mostly to just enjoy the fact that just because we have a title doesn’t mean we can’t go out on… *gasp* dates! The original plan was to spend the night in San Francisco, taking him to some of my favorite places (Japan Center, Fisherman’s Wharf, possibly Chinatown, and I was told about this pizza place on Haight). He wanted to get away. I wanted us to get away there. I love the city. I love big cities. I miss Los Angeles more than anyone would ever be able to know, or comprehend. So being in San Francisco is like having a little bit of my small town, with a whole lot of my big city, and sharing that part of my life with the person I love is an amazing experience. I haven’t had much of it since I’ve moved back here. There were also a lot of San Francisco trips with friends while me and the boy were first talking.

We went to see Pineapple Express on Friday night with one of his roommates and mate. It was a pretty funny movie. But as with all movies of that kind, it’s much funnier the first half when there’s very little point or plot. Trying to tie together all the elements makes for a shoddy and unfunny second half. The boy paid, which is fine. I don’t have a crazy feminist inside who says he can’t pay for a movie, but knowing that he’s not working makes me feel bad when he does things like that.

Saturday morning we went out to breakfast. It was on the way back to his place that he thought going to San Francisco might not be a good idea. I was so excited to go. I had my heart set on it, so I suggested we just go, but not stay the night. Make it a day trip instead.

Someone forgot to inform us that it was going to be FREEZING in the middle of the summer in the bay area. We had clam chowder in a bread bowl. We walked around and took cute pictures (which I will post as soon as I can).

It was Saturday night that the fun begins, and will be the main focus. (more…)

Tags: adventures, musings, the boy, weekend
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Soul… persons

Amongst my closest friends, there are aspects of my life (mainly my online life) that they know nothing about. There is a reason for this, and the reason is meaningless for anyone but me. There is a certain amount of insight into me as a person here though, that I’m almost sad that these friends will never get to see. I bitch to these friends when the boy makes me angry. I laugh loudly with these friends at Starbucks when someone farts and the smell chases all of us around the corner. These same friends are crude, tattooed, pierced, weird, different… but we all fit somehow. But they do not know about this place… and it’s highly unlikely they ever will. Except for one, but I’ll get to him shortly.

It’s been a long time, and the last person I can really remember having any sort of actual connection with is the boy… but every now and again, you venture across a person that you just… *click* with.

Lemme backtrack a little bit though. When it comes to friendships and relationships… basically all human interaction… I have always believe that there are those people who are meant to come into our lives and somehow change it. Even the tiniest bit. There are also those people with whom we’re meant to come in contact with, essentially.

I’ve also always been a firm believer that not all soul mates are meant to be literal mates. That sometimes the friendships we make can be more fulfilling than the intimate/sexual relationships we may or may not be having.

That being said, last night I had the most amazing conversation with someone who was more an aquaintance than a friend up until last night. It was the kind of conversation where everything just clicked. We think similarly. We have similar types of plans for life. We have similar places we want to see in the world. Two totally different people… and both struggling with the same issues. It was definitely a soul mate moment.

At one point for a split second, I wondered why I couldn’t have met him at a different time in life under different circumstances. Suddenly all I could think of was the boy, and how much I loved him. As I drove home, I wanted nothing more than to know that the boy was there… knowing he wouldn’t be. Because it was that kind of night. The kind of conversation where you begin to appreciate those good things you do have in life. The good friends. The good family. The good memories and good times. And I wanted the boy there to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him.

Just like I’ll always love and appreciate the new friend.

Tags: life, reflection
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Turn of events

Over the years, I know that I have become bitter and cynical. I don’t care so much about the plight of man, because all I can seem to focus on is the fact that 95% of the people I encounter are blatently stupid, or otherwise ignorant to their stupidity (only making it worse) making me want to gouge my own eyes out and shove sharp objects in my ears to relieve myself of the hassle of listening to seeing these stupid people in action. The other 5% is spread out amongst those I actually give a shit about (~1%) and those who make me want to go postal on the world (the remaining 4%). I am generally tired, and pissed off all the time. Or at least bitching about those things that piss me off, almost all of the time.

I’m not always a very fun or happy person to be around. Which means I’m not always a fun or happy person to be in a relationship with either. The failure of my past relationships have not always been the fault of the guy… sometimes (and I mean rarely) it was my own fault (kidding about the rarely part).

I remember my early relationships, and I remember being so very carefree and light-hearted. I remember feeling as though the world were at my fingertips, at my disposal, and that there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I also remember the devastation that the end of those early relationships caused, and somehow realizing that the world didn’t end when the relationship ended… and my life didn’t end now that some boy was out of it.

As the years went, and relationships came and went, I started to become less enthusiastic… and less devastated. Some relationships were a chore. Others were merely adventures. There were those rare ones that I hoped would turn into the eventual “white fence with 2.5 kids” situation. None of them ever did. One thing was consistent… they never lasted.

The longest relationship I had ever had was the one prior to the boy, or… the ex. It was an off-and-on thing, sure, but even if you put all of the “on” parts together, it was still the longest I had ever been with someone. The desire to have something work, especially when regarding a relationship, seems to get stronger as you get older. At least it has been that way for me. I don’t want to mess around with little boys who just want to get laid. I had my fair share of fun at one point or another, and I’m done. I’m not going to waste my life with that sort of thing.

I also realized a few things over the course of the last few years. You can’t make a person change, even if it’s for the betterment of them, and everyone else. You can’t forcibly bottle everything inside and think the explosion after the fact is okay. I want to have kids, and being with someone who doesn’t want more can very much be a waste of time and effort, as you will never see eye to eye on the topic. Wanting to get married is also something similar… I’m not going to waste my time or life with someone who doesn’t want to get married to me… ever. I also have learned, that I am a jaded and bitter old woman. While I’m attracted to the cute boy, I don’t want to keep the cute boy (who’s too stupid to create a full sentence without some coaxing) around for long… if ever, for that matter.

Despite the way things have been for me in the relationship department, I’ve been… happy with this one. The distance has probably helped to ensure that we’ll make it to the next weekend. We’re definitely given the opportunity to miss the other for the majority of the week. Absense can make the heart grow fonder, but in the case of me and the boy, the extreme absense also make us cranky, pissy, and slightly paranoid. He sometimes imagines that I’m in a “bad mood” even when I’m not. I sometimes imagine that he’s found other more important things, when that’s not necessarily the case.

Through all of it we seem to have a good thing going. He can be very patient with me, and just pointing out that I’m being slightly irrational can quickly bring me back down to earth and out of my “I hate the world and I want everyone to die” moods.

I didn’t think I could ever miss someone so completely that I feel empty when he’s not around. The sadness of having to sleep alone is almost unbearable. Whenever I get home, I hope that he’ll be there, so we can go find some other small adventure, motorcycle ride, drive anywhere… it doesn’t matter. I didn’t think I’d ever miss someone the way I miss him when he has to leave and go home… but I feel like I’m in high school, all over again.

Tags: life, reflection, relationship
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