It’s the real life trolls that seem to be a problem. I don’t often write here, but when I do it’s usually just some silly diatribe about whatever was on my mind at the time. I write about Doctor Who a fair bit, and recently it’s been about not using shampoo and trying to find a day to change my sleep schedule. There’s a decent amount of writing about my crafting, from knitting to dyeing yarn. All in all it’s a pretty standard personal online weblog. No big deal.

Note: All of the screenshots can be clicked on for full image and they should open in a new window.

But then you get people like this:

My initial reaction was to question who the hell would say something like that about that post. I then realized that the poster was hiding. Hiding behind a fake website address and a fake email address. I was ready and willing to just shrug this off as some random commenter that thinks they know me. Apparently they’re my friend, so it had to be true, right? Wrong. At first I thought this was an old friend, who often stops by to read but rarely comments. There is the occasional comment, but it’s not normally something so negative. It’s okay, she could be pissed at me. It happens. The part that I take the most offense to is the fact that they claim this post is “so full of lies” as though they know intimate details about my life. How does one write a personal blog entry such as this one and it be something that is purely lies? I mean, I could fully understand if I were writing about someone else’s life and got all of the information incorrect. Except that I’m writing about my own high school experiences. I’m writing about what I went through. The post is told in a very quick, short sentence way because that’s how it was back then. Everything was in spurts. I didn’t realize that my experiences could be trivialized and turned into a fact or fiction type situation. I didn’t make any of this up. This is the way I felt when I was younger. No question. Unless there’s something I’m missing here and someone else lived that portion of my life for me. Could be, I suppose. You never know.

Then to turn around and claim that I’m “trolling up sympathy and made up drama.” Um, wow. I wasn’t trolling for sympathy. I was sharing my experience. Which, according to the other two commentors, seem to mirror their own experiences with themselves and family members.

“Get up off your ass and do something with your life. That is the entire problem.” You’re assuming I don’t do anything with my life. You’re assuming that I don’t have anything else to do with my time. I wasn’t speaking about current depression or problems, but it seems that basic reading comprehension levels aren’t needed before posting asshole-y comments on people’s blogs. No big deal. I’ll “get up off my ass” and figure out who the fuck this person is.

Oh, and this definitely gets better.

I have the IP addresses there in the comments. So I followed them back to the website that does my analytics for me. I then looked back and found the most recent comment and IP address from July 10th.

Wow. 6 actions. And you came from a direct link. Interesting. I then clicked on the IP address link you see there and this is what it gave me.

Excellent. I now know that the commenter is from Southern California. Their IP address shows Sherman Oaks, California. I also see they’re running a Mac, and google chrome at a pretty decent screen resolution. Must have a Macbook Pro. Nice. Oh look at all of that activity linked to this person! They seem to read a lot, even if they don’t always comment. Also looks like the other IP address matches the first comment. Funny how that works. Let’s click on that ARIN link up there towards the top and find out who this IP address belongs to.

Hmmm… interesting. Brandissimo Inc. I wonder what a google search would yield for “Brandissimo”. Let’s find out what shows up for me! I imagine if you did your own google search you’d find something similar.

Huh, lookit that! It’s a name I somewhat, if not vaguely recognize. Not who I thought it was at first, but alright. Let’s see what their site shows or says. Maybe there’s someone else who things I should “get off my ass and do something with my life.” Maybe I pissed someone off in the passed. Let’s look. Going to the Brandissimo! website gives you some weird flash thing embedded into the page. I click on the people link to see who all works here.

I cut all of the rest of the junk from the surrounding area and captured this bit. Now, there are 4 other faces you see there. And this company could very well have an army of employees underneath them, one of which is using company time to troll my website and be a complete dickhead. But I don’t know this, nor will I bother to get too far into it. For now I see that the only person who’s name is even remotely familiar is one David Gagne.

Apparently me and David were once really good friends (I hardly knew him at all). We apparently went to high school together (Um, nope) and ran with the same people. It seems we were so close that he knows without a doubt that all of my depression talk was fake (Again… nope) and made up to garner sympathy from the internet masses. All 5 of you who read… when I’ve posted a link to tell you to read.

Let’s see what the truth really is. David Gagne came across as an arrogant computer guy way back in the day when I still worked for Healthcare Recoveries Inc. I truly cannot remember a single personal conversation we ever had, and well, I don’t even remember the professional conversations we may or may not have had. This isn’t really a story about why I stopped working there, but I was let go. I think officially on the paperwork it said “Improper employee conduct” but really they found I was writing on Opendiary, printed out a handful of my entries and fired me for them. Whatever. I hated that job and only stayed for the money. They did me a favor. I haven’t looked back. I had some rough patches in life and still do, but there is something very important that I learned from working there and getting let go… I never EVER wanted to work in the computer industry as a professional. Ever.

Now mind you, this isn’t about starting a shitstorm, although I imagine the link backs might do that. Also putting up all of the screen captures and what not. This isn’t about Brandissimo, which I know absolutely nothing about. Let’s face it, I don’t even know anything about David himself. I hardly knew anything about him back then, so why would I care to know anything about him now. Here’s the thing, between the various social networks, there’s a whole lot of stuff I really don’t give a shit about. I don’t care about the dumb games people play on Facebook, so when I see someone post something on their wall, I block the app. I don’t care about the quizzes, so I block those too. I don’t, however, go to the people’s FB pages and tell them that they’re lying and saying stuff (taking quizzes, playing games) to garner sympathy. I just ignore it.

So here’s my plea to you, David. Go away. Leave me alone. Follow the golden rule we were all taught when we were little kids and just keep your comments to yourself. We were never friends. You knew me some 9 years ago back when I was interested in doing database administration work and the employer we both shared was willing to give me a shot. I got in trouble for blogging stuff on the internet and lost my job. Who cares. Is your only measure of success to have a lucrative career in the IT world? Cause it’s not for me. I’m not interested and I don’t care. My life took a huge turn in a different direction the day I walked out of those doors. I never looked back, and maybe you should do the same. I can’t even fathom what your interest in my life is, and why you feel the need to comment so harshly about things you know nothing about. You have no idea who I am today or in the past. We were never friends. Do you understand this? I don’t know what planet you’ve been living on or why you believe we were ever friends, but outside of your blog I know nothing about you, and truthfully, don’t care.

So stop reading. It’ll spare you the need to write nasty little snide remarks about the validity of my personal experiences, and it will keep me from having to spend a couple hours of my life sharing how I figured out who it was with the world.

I remember back in high school, the earlier years and possibly even starting in Junior High, having many terrible, suicidal thoughts. This wasn’t just the run-of-the-mill a-boy-doesn’t-like-me type of upset. I was saddened by who I was and the idea that I would never be better than I was at that moment. I had few friends and even fewer with whom I held close enough to know any different. My mother spent many years telling me that I was fat and made ugly devil faces when I was angry, high school only compounded on this horrible self-image that she helped create.

I had a best friend whom I spent most of my time with. I had people I was close-ish too. I had others I hung out with. I was social. But I always felt as though no one really understood me. No one “got me” in the way my best friend did. So when we’d fight, I’d hide. I didn’t want to answer the questions about why we, normally inseparable, weren’t eating lunch together. Why we weren’t running around spouting off lines from Shakespeare at each other as though we were somehow transported in time. Coupled with the lack of boy attentions, the fact that I didn’t like my boobs and a discomfort in my body, and the voice of my mother telling me how fat I was all the time, depression quickly set in.

I spent some time self-mutilating. I wrote initials on my ankles and wrists. I used needles and razor blades. I covered it up. I hid the scars. Today, almost all of it is gone and insignificant. I’m definitely grateful for small favors, including the one where I had no idea how far down I needed to go to make things permanent. I also had thoughts of suicide. Many of them. That I was tired of the laughing and the pointing, and the snickering behind my back. The way people talked about me, or the way I perceived them talking about me. The rumors that were spread. The general cattiness amongst the girls. The genuine need to destroy any and all things good in each other’s lives. It was far too much for this girl to handle most days.

I wrote letters. I hid them in the wall. I doubt my dad ever knew that I made that little hole in the closet to hide those things. I wrote many letters explaining why I was willing to do what I thought I wanted to do. I thought about it all the time. Planned different ways. There was even this particularly bad curve off of one of the major highways, and along the curve was this huge billboard in the middle of lots of underbrush. I often considered how fast I would have to crash into that billboard in order to make sure that it “worked.” No sticking around for the hurt and pain and endless sympathy and stares later. I knew that if I was going to do it, it was going to be for real.

I obviously didn’t do it. I’m here today writing this. The thoughts are there super rarely and often following something catastrophic like people at work treating me shittily and me being threatened to kiss some ass or I’ll be fired. But y’know, no job is worth that much stress. Pretty much ever. And if I were let go, it might be better for everyone at that point. I digress.

Last week’s Doctor Who, er, actually, two Saturday’s ago, was Vincent and the Doctor (this is the British airing date, as I’m fairly certain the U.S. is about 2 weeks behind, though I don’t know because I see them as they come out and am thus on U.K. airing time with the Doctor Who episodes). The episode itself is about Vincent van Gogh and the imaginary things he sees, but the deeper bit of the episode was the personal demons that Vincent was struggling with.

I’ll spare the details, for those in the U.S. who have yet to see the episode, but I cried. A lot. I watched the episode again last night, and again, I cried. There is something so touching and real about the end of the episode. The fact that depression often takes hold and doesn’t let go. That Vincent suffered deeply and still gave to the world so much beauty and art that there are few words to express this. Even as the authors of the episode try, the truth is, he can’t have known. Vincent that is. I can’t imagine what his life was like. I can’t imagine the pain, or the torment… or the suffering. But I can empathize. And wish for a Doctor like my Doctor to go and show him.

If there is ever a moment in your life when you’re faced with someone who suffers from depression, watch this episode. On it’s own compared to the rest of the season (or past seasons) it wasn’t the best. But stand-alone, it was touching and real. There are many of us who can related to any of the three of them (Vincent, the Doctor or Amy).

Now let’s move forward a little bit more. Sunday’s Postsecret was a particularly good one. I’ve reached the point where I don’t often read Postsecret anymore. It’s blown up and it’s no longer about secrets, at least not in the same way it used to be. But there was a Golden Gate Bridge secret. Then photos of people asking the poster not to jump. Then an email about someone who, upon taking their first walk across the bridge, saw “ribbons and messages along the way”. It was touching and to someone the person who sat on the bridge, it was very real. All of it was. It happens all the time. Someone, somewhere, has taken their own life, and it’s devastating and sad.

I could have been one of them.

For those in the U.K. needing help, not just for people who have depression but for family members and friends, check out BBC’s Headroom to learn more about depression and resources available to you.

For those in the U.S. check out Hopeline or  Call 1(800)SUICIDE [1-800-784-2433] for help, day or night.

The move was exhausting. My stuff is still in boxes all over the place, though the craft room is finally up and running (and it’s been used!).

I’m unsure when I’ll be able to try to work on getting on a polyphasic sleep schedule, but I know for sure I need to get away from the traditional shampoos. Here comes the transition period again that I so loved!! (*note sarcasm)

Ugh, I hope my scalp feels better soon. This itchy gross stuff is not good. Not good at all.

Oh another note, I think I’ve decided to take the plunge and try a Polyphasic Sleep Schedule. Particularly, the Everyman 3 (possibly 4.5 depending on the adjustment period and how well I do).

So here’s the thing. Someone linked the Uberman Sleep Schedule as a joke to just eliminate sleep altogether. When I first read it I guffawed. I mean, who eliminates sleep altogether! And how in the hell could this be healthy! But oh, it was definitely intriguing. It was so interesting. The thoughts of all of the things I could do if I had 22 hours of waking time made me want to cry with possibility. Just think about it. Do you find that you spend hours upon hours browsing the internet only to realize you forgot to cook, but now it’s almost time for sleeping and shit, what the hell am I gonna do now? 22 hours people. 22 amazing and productively blissful hours!! Then my brain processed to instant jealousy that anyone has the work schedule to allow for something like this. I had to shrug it off. I mean, work wouldn’t take to kindly to me asking for 3 chances in an 8 hour day to take naps. And what about the driving? And the week off I’d need to take for the first horribly sleep-deprived portion of adjustment??

So I kept reading. And she mentions the Everyman. The wha?! What’s this? And different type of polyphasic sleep?! What’s the schedule and how do I sign up!!

With Uberman the first couple weeks are absolutely crucial to the body’s ability to adapt. The nap schedule must be followed strictly and it’s even suggested to take time off from work/school in order to get over the hump. This is clearly out of the question as I’m saving my vacation time for Comic Con in July. I’m just sayin’, I gotta set my priorities here. While on Uberman the nap schedule becomes almost necessary to function normally. There’s very little give or take with regard to when you take them. They have to be within a few minutes or it throws the entire system out of whack.

Everyman has a lot more flexibility. It allows you to take your 3 naps within an hour of when you’ve scheduled it. You can also on the fly adjust from the Everyman 3 (which is a Core sleep of 3 hours and 3-4 twenty/thirty minute naps throughout the day) to the Everyman 4.5 (Core sleep of 4.5 hours and 1-2 twenty/thirty minute nap(s)). There’s a longer adjustment period (up to a month or more) but no need to take a week or two of off work in order to get over it.

Days 3 and 4 are still the hardest when you’ve finally hit the true Sleep Deprivation mode. Ah well, I know how that goes. I get that kind of groggy, wtf am I doing at work feeling with monophasic sleep (the traditional being awake for 16-ish hours a day of productivity and 8-ish hours of sleep). Though really, who actually gets the alloted 8 hours a night? I know I don’t! And I’m tired as hell because of it!

So my plan is to pick a week… maybe one in June, and see if I can’t make this happen. I always am struggling to find time to do things I want and like to do with free time. It always ends up being a This -or- that instead of a little of each. I want to crochet/knit more, but then I can’t play WoW. If I play WoW then I can’t crochet/knit. It’s a catch 22. Plus all the random internet reading, blogging, researching, randomness. Plus I’d like to go tot he gym. Maybe. One day.

I’ve worked up a schedule using chikuru’s sleep schedule as a guide. Because really I hate mornings and would much rather have more time during the dark parts of the day to do stuff than any other. Plus, I have to consider work and commuting into the equation. So my plan is to have my core between 4am and 7am, the first nap at noon (during my lunch), 2nd nap after I get home from work, and the 3rd nap at 11pm-midnight-ish.

Once I start this I’m gonna have to try to be better about, y’know, not snoozing alarms and actually getting up. Also, not oversleeping.

So it’s been 7 days since I started this No ‘Poo trek and there have been a handful of interesting developments. It seems that I am the guinea pig amongst those closest to me. Truthfully, I’m kind of enjoying the weird status I’ve achieved. So many people are happy to hear the good things so far, but today… alas, I break the bad news.

I knew going into this that it couldn’t possibly be all these great and wonderful things only. I had an additional challenge with my long tresses as well. But before I share in the troubles of going No ‘Poo, lemme tell you about all of the good things!

So the lack of flaking head from dry scalp… well, it has gotten better. As the day(s) wore on there flaking started a little bit here and there, but it was noticeably less. When I looked at my hairline on that first day I could still see some skin even though it wasn’t flaking while brushing or blow drying. On the second washing it was even less and today, I don’t have any dry skin along my hairline. This is great news! Here I was thinking I was in dandruff denial, when it really was dry scalp all along (outside of the flaking I had none of the other typical dandruff symptoms).

Today was no ‘pooing 3… no 4 in the last 7 days. I’ve had to make the baking soda mixture once more (after the initial mixture) and the citric acid mix is still the first bottle. I have no itchy head problems like I usually do, even when I have my hair pinned up and pulled back in a pony tail. I still have no tangles when my hair is wet after washing it. Not one. So I’m going to guess that the dry scalp, itchy head and tangles are all problems that have come to existence because of the shampoo/conditioner combo.

Now for the bad news. The detox. I read that there was a detox period. I knew it was coming. The stage where the scalp is still producing the same quantity of oil as though you were stripping it of all of it’s natural oils, blah blah blah. But what no one bothered to mention was HOW MUCH oil the head was producing.

Holy effing crap Batman, I mean really now?! I feel like I’m showing in baby oil. Or better yet, vegetable oil! My hair has been pinned up AND pulled back because he greasy mess that it’s turned into is nearly impossible for me to stomach. I know and understand that it will go away. I mean, logically, I get it. But there’s got to be something in the meantime, right? Some way to lessen the gross-factor of my hair being plastered to my head and wanting to stick straight out in any direction I brush it, right? RIGHT?!

The answer is simply no. Short of going back to my old shampooing ways, there’s no other solution. I looked. I googled. I found other people who couldn’t make it through the detox phase because their bucket of goo head was driving them mad. Believe me, it’s tough.

So today I was talking to K at work and she was thinking of being her home’s guinea pig. Trying to ween herself off of the shampoo by doing every other day with the traditional shampoo and the baking soda exchange for a week and then every 2 days, etc. Thus making the detox phase less traumatizing but postponing the “All clear” for longer as well. Today I used a bit of shampoo. I get it, I’m setting myself back a few days. I know. Trust me, I know.

I’m just a weak soul. Especially when it comes to my hair. I don’t have a tiny body. I don’t have long legs, or an actress’ face. But I have always had really awesome and beautifully healthy hair. And this greezy mess is making me want to shave my head. No really, it is. So I broke down and used some shampoo first thing in the shower. Then proceeded to do the baking soda/citric acid combo. It didn’t fix the problem. Hell it didn’t really remove all the oil from my hair either. But it’s slightly more tolerable than it had been.

Noah asked me in a comment on my first post about what I was doing for the citric acid ratio. The first bottle I used was 1/2 tablespoon of citric acid crystals to 1 cup of water. This is roughly half what I saw posted regarding how much lemon juice or apple cider vinegar to use with water. Maybe this is just much more than needed. Next bottle I’m going to try 1 teaspoon of citric acid crystals to 1 cup of water. Maybe this will also help with the greasy factor. Maybe skip this phase once a week. In the meantime, I’m going to use a tiny bit of shampoo once a week until this entire greasy head thing has ceased.

Other than that I have no complaints. It’s super easy. I’ve adjusted to the method of rubbing my scalp instead of trying to get a lather. I’ve also read some more on SLS (Sodium Lauryl Sulfate) and what it does exactly. It’s basically an irritant and the foaming agent. Yay foam! I love the foam. But I’m working on getting over my foam love in favor of the other benefits.

Here’s to getting through this detox phase… cause I’m over that part.