A little bit of an introvert

February 17th, 2010 | Tags: , ,

I have these moments, when I really really can use some company. It’s few and far between. I used to believe that there was something terribly wrong with me because I didn’t want to leave my house. There’s a part of me that is truly strange and obsessive. I can watch the same TV show over and over again (see Doctor Who and Torchwood). I can listen to the same album over and over again. I can also do the same things over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

When I was younger, living in Los Angeles, I found it so much easier to fill my life with all of these random outings. I planned events and invited people. I made day trips and weekend trips. I flew up north and drove to Mexico on a whim. I went to strip clubs and dive bars on the weekends. I went to Reggae dance clubs on Thursday nights and hung out on rooftops on the weekends. It is only because of these experiences that I have so many stories to tell. I have so many experiences that seem out of this world, and I would never trade a single moment of it for anything.

During this period of my life I found myself up in arms with drama. It never left me. I felt great anxiety and tension. I started smoking at 22 because of the stresses of my life. It never once occurred to me that I might be programmed differently, that maybe my social calendar was to blame. At least, not until fairly recently. I was reading Laurie’s blog on Valentine’s day, and her entry really touched home with me in many ways.

I don’t venture out for long stretches at a time. I don’t socialize in the same ways that I used to. Even as recently as a year ago I was found outside of my home more than I was home. Something changed though. School truly became one of the most important things for me. I set a goal. I wanted all A’s. The only way to achieve this goal was to make sacrifices and dedicate the time and energy needed to get this. I didn’t get all A+’s, but I did get all A’s. This feat is one that I have not been able to cherish in a very long time (3rd grade).

When I cut out cable, I also found that I had a lot more time available to get my homework done, preemptively¬†get my reading done before the quiz/exam/final/paper was due. And now that I’m no longer in school, having recently graduated, I have all of this free time to do as I please.

The choices I made growing up has given me the perfect, and often selfish, opportunity to do whatever I want with my time. I can spend 6 hours playing Bioshock if I so desire. I can go to the gym. I can knit. I can play WoW. I find that as long as I’m willing to give myself the chance to do the things I like (and trust me, I have a billion and one hobbies to divide my time with) and love, and not feel guilty.

I still go out, occasionally. I still find time to socialize and be a part of the rest of the world (outside of the work environment). My tendency now is to limit this to a small number of people rather than large gatherings. I’d much rather have a good 1 on 1, instead of yelling over bar noise. This doesn’t mean that the bar is a bad place to hang out, it just means it’s not my place to hang out.

And so, I quote Laurie, because really, I couldn’t have said it any better myself. It truly is exactly how I feel.

“Listen: I’m thrilled for those who meet someone that sets their heart on fire and makes their life colorful and full. And I’m relieved to see not everyone has to follow my path to be happy. There are so many roads to personal fulfillment, even ones I never expected. I’m happy for all of us, those who fit the bill and those of us who wandered a bit. We create a new happy each day, each in our own way. The woman who chooses to be a single parent. The woman who chooses to divorce and live with her partner without a contract. The woman who marries another woman. The man who proposes to his boyfriend. The woman who falls in love at 63 and meets THE ONE and he’s only 57. Or the woman in Los Angeles who has three cats and a room of yarn and is astonished to discover she is happy all alone, for once in her life she has the say on everything and it makes her heart sing. She feels generous because she now has just enough.”

It’s a funny thing…

March 17th, 2009 | Tags: , ,

While in Human Sexuality today… wait a minute, lemme back up just a second.

While on Plurk today… Narilka linked to this. Particularly she was interested in turning the Apple logo into a little lcd monitor type of thing. While that’s cool, it would require me to actuall own a mac in order to even think about wanting to do something like that.

Now back in Human Sexuality… because of Narilka, I scrolled down on that link. And I saw some stuff about making the glowing logo on an MSI Wind Hackintosh. Yeah. I thought about doing that to my little Acer Aspire One, but once I started using the damn thing I didn’t want to be bothered with a lack of Wifi, and having to bust it open just to change stuff out. And it would’ve been a whole lotta nonsense in order to even think about getting OSX to work on it. So I gave up on the idea.

But today I got to reading about everything you need to do in order to make it work on the MSI Wind. Okay, sure, I’d have to actually buy the MSI Wind, which is much more expensive than the Acer, but without having to bust the damn thing open you can actually have a working Hackintosh. A NanoMac, as they’ve been called “on the net.”

Fast forward a few more¬† hours after I’ve arrived home, picked up some borrowed DVDs, and head over to a friend’s house. Love the woman to death, but she knows almost nothing about computers. She can use them for what she needs but someone changed the default mp3 player from itunes to WMP, and she was freakin’ out and couldn’t figure out what the hell happened. Fixed that for her. But the real purpose of my visit was to get her wireless router up and running. Poor thing is using AT&T DSL. Not the fast DSL, but the slowest one they’ve got. It’s more than enough for what she needs, but her download speeds are 1/6 of what I do. It made me want to cry. Problem was, there’s this whole “login/password” THING with AT&T. That stuff is obnoxious. Granted I know what I’m doing, but AT&T don’t have their shit together. That poor little router was having a bitch of a time trying to figure out what the HELL was going on last night. I couldn’t get it working and now T needed to call AT&T and figure out wtf they did.

She got the right information and lo… it worked. *insert sarcasm here* Surprise surprise. *rolls eyes as well*

So, she loves to listen to me talk about all the crazy dumb things I’m cooking up in my brain. She knows I have an unlocked iPhone and that I did all the unlocking. So I told her how I needed to save $300 so I could buy an MSI Wind on ebay.

She said buy it.
What?!?!?
Buy it! I’m gonna get it for you as a gift.
Woman, are you crazy? I’m not going to click that “buy it now” link.
If you don’t do it, I’m going to do it when you’re not looking anyway.
Uh… okay.

I refused to take her order. That’s not what I was talking about. This is not what I was trying to do. I was not trying to coax her into buying something for me. I thought I’d tell her my crazy little scheme and we’d laugh about what a computer geek I am. And she’d make fun of me, and I’d make fun of her lack of computer knowledge and all would be well.

She didn’t take no for an answer. While I am not an unappreciative person by any means, I still feel a little guilty about it.

Despite my guilt… despite the fact that really, with all the research and all the learning (about how to successfully get OSX running on it) I wasn’t going to buy it. Not for awhile. Not until WELL after school was finished and I had some disposable income. I guess I don’t have to worry about it anymore as I will have one in my hot little hands in about a week.

Guess what I’m doing for Spring Break…

Gotta say though, I will have to find some way to repay her for her kindness. She thinks me doing all this “computer work” for her deserves a gift of that type. I think she’s crazy, but when I’ve got that tiny little notebook in my hands running OSX, I’m going to love her a WHOLE lot.

One day closer

August 27th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

The infamous birthday is less than 24 hours away. It’s the birthday that is supposed to end all birthdays, right? I mean, I’m hitting the big three-oh! It’s this monumental life event. Although besides the birthday bash, nothing exciting is happening. There are no other life-altering events going on.

I mean, this is one of those traumatizing events though, for most women. I’m told I don’t look my age, and while flattering, doesn’t do any good for the physical parts of me that cannot seem to function quite the same way. If I could manage to get myself into a gym and tone up some of the slightly flabby bits, I might be able to work on transforming the body just a little bit, and helping keep my “youthful appearances.”

On the whole, I don’t really care that much. It’s a big event though. In a year I’ll have graduated with a degree (finally). The boy and I are planning on moving in together in Chico, where it has an almost “other world” feel to it. It’s surprising only because I hate Yuba City… hate hate hate hate hate it. I hate the guy I rent my apartment from (because he’s a douche bag). I hate how the city was planned poorly, and the “old boys” who run the place refuse to allow changes to make things… better.

Regardless. I will be moving… no matter what. I will be making some necessary changes in my life in order for things to be better. I need better. I’m so tired of struggling, and barely getting by. I think a little bit of comfort would be nice. I’m hoping 30 brings that… eventually.

I guess it’s time to face the music and… *gasp* grow up.

This curve ball

June 3rd, 2008 | Tags: , ,

Every time I turn around, life seems to throw me another curve ball. At times I can roll with the punches and weather things fairly well. Other times it takes its toll on me and I feel drained. I took the leap with the boy. I mean, what could I lose, right? Except my sanity. And possibly my heart… again. I guess it’s worth the risk, right? My fear… to be honest… is that things go well. And my dream to move out of California will be put on hold. Or he will follow me as a whim, and be miserable, because it wasn’t what he wanted to do… or where he wanted to go.

All things in life worth having involve some sort of risk though. I have a year, to finish up school and apply for grad schools. A year to see how this all works out. A year to decide if I’m going to stay in California for another few years to finish up my graduate degree, or leave immediately after finishing the bachelor’s. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can happen in a few short months. Of course I wish and hope that things will work out well with the boy. I really do care about him tremendously. I do love him. It’s just that I’ve spent far too much of my life, making adjustments for everyone else. This is my time to do it for me. I dread to find out that we really are perfect for each other, and I get accepted to my number one school for grad school… and I’ll either have to leave him behind… go where he wants to go… or he goes with me. Too many sacrifices to think of. Too many that involve life altering decisions. It’s far too soon to worry about them, but at the same time, I don’t want to pretend that it’s not there… eating away at the back of my mind. I have to think about it. Not thinking about it will only cause me more grief, I think.

I desperately want to write, but can’t find the motivation to be bothered with it. I really need to crochet, but I can’t seem to want to get motivated for that either. Instead, I’ll sit here, needing a shower and being a lazy ass instead. Yup. That sounds like a plan.

*sigh*

Yay for slacker laziness!

Why?!?

April 4th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

It sucks. It sucks when there’s someone you know… that you’ve known for a long time… that you’ve had many a conversation with… and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice him before?”

I did, but there was always this baggage following him around. Baggage with a name. And she was constantly… in essence… stalking him. I wasn’t about to get involved in that drama.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore the boy. I know that there’s a part of me that is completely in love with him. But he’s right. I don’t need to be his rebound. And he doesn’t need to be mine. As he’s so blatantly pointed out, we’re not exclusive. I guess that leaves the door open to date other people if we so desired. I don’t really want to date anyone else. I’d love to have the boy all to myself and never have to worry ever again.

It just sucks that he lives so far away. That I can’t just want to go play pool with him and have him able to go. It has to be planned. It has to be a “day” out of it. And yet, this friend, this good friend that I’ve known for quite some time, is there. We played pool all night. Minus a few technicalities, he kicked my ASS at pool, and it was okay. Cause he’s awesome company and we get along really well.

Though I’m not even remotely thinking of giving up on the boy just yet. It just sucks that I didn’t notice the friend prior to this. I mean, I know that I’m not necessarily at the best place in life with school and work and all that mumbo jumbo, but at the same time. I want a nice guy. I want a good guy to be there for me through the thick and the thin. I want someone who claims me as theirs while I can do the same. How long is that going to be before the boy thinks we’ve reached the point where we can be an “exclusive couple?”

How long…

I guess I’m going to stick it out and see. The things he’s gone through in the time we’ve been dating has been… insane. I couldn’t make this shit up. I couldn’t even try. And yet, here we are… both of us battling through it in our own ways. Him, obviously, being the most affected. Not to say that it doesn’t affect me too. It does. I had accepted that there would be these responsibilities in his life. That there would be a point, and that point was coming nearer, where I would never be first in his life. I would be second, at best, forever. Maybe one day I’ll write about it. Work through my feelings about the whole situations. Right now, I know, that there’s NO reason for me to be put last on the list again.

He was relinquished of his duties. He no longer has to worry.

Now it’s just a matter of seeing what happens from here. Will I continue to be put last on the list of priorities? Or will he put me first… every now and again… like I’ve often done for him.

He’s not in my life to fill a gap, or a hole, or to fix me… but I know that my feelings for him are not waning. Even though I’m starting to wonder why I never noticed the friend as anything more than that… before.

Timing. Impeccable.