In a state of thixotropy

Perfectly Good Reason

First, I want to point out that my wonderful best friend has decided to grace the world with her blogging presence. What’s funny is the story behind when we met (which involves a lot of online blogging) and how we became the friends that we are today. It took years, but really, it’s one of those friendships that just makes sense. So for all 5 of you who seem to come here to visit, check her out. Make her feel welcomed and loved.

*****

There are times when I am full of “perfectly good reason”‘s and “well intention”‘s. Really, who’s going to judge me? Lately there’s been even more opportunity for my perfectly good reason’s. And as of yet it’s my ridiculous obsession with my ever growing waistline and weight.

I’m a short person so a few pounds shows without much effort. It’s not that I have problems with bigger people or think that all people should be able to fit into a jean size that consists of single digits, or even multiple zeros. Oh no. There’s a point where the additional weight becomes increasingly uncomfortable, though. To the point where I seem to have a harder time breathing while sitting.

I’m out of shape, sure, who isn’t these days? I actually have a fairly active job that keeps me moving regularly. My body has simply adjusted to these bouts of running around (though it’s less running than fast walking). I lift a fair amount in a single day as well, but again, the body has adjusted to this. I’m still overweight and, well, to put it simply… fat.

Food is comfort, though. I don’t crave carrots and salads. I crave cookies and cakes. Sugar and soda. I want pancakes for breakfast, lunch and a midnight snack. I want Macaroni and cheese at least once a week, twice if I’ve had a bad day. I want In & Out every other day. And let’s not get started on Chipotle, which will likely be the death of me (since they’ve made ordering easier by creating a damn iPhone app).

Now, don’t get me wrong. I remember everything every trainer has ever told me. I’ve replaced misinformation with new and improved information. Minus my sheer size and pudginess I could technically BE a trainer. I know what foods I should be eating. I know what foods I definitely should be avoiding.

In times of stress and discomfort I don’t first think to go to the gym to work out my frustration. When I’m having a particularly stabby sort of day, the last thing I think about is throwing on some of my ugliest clothes and heading straight for the gym, where tiny little females and buff dudes wear next to nothing while running 15 miles on the treadmill. I make myself a nice 3-person sized dish of macaroni and cheese. Or I stop at Chipotle. Or In & Out. And I stuff my next-to-crying face with these foods that make me feel better because it tastes “oh so good.”

It’s the putting on my pants the next day that seems to be the reminder that the Double Double combo was likely not the best choice.

I’m like Kristy Alley with the weight loss. I lose it, and gain it. I lose it and gain it. It’s an endless cycle. At time I’m super obsessed and I do it. I lose about 10-15 pounds and I’m feeling better and looking better. I hit the plateau and I stop losing weight. Incoming – discouragement. What’s the point when the last 5-10 pounds refuse REFUSE to come off. Sure I can just accept that I’m healthier and happier, always being “just a little bit fat.” So I stop at Chipotle to drown out my fat sorrows by getting more fat.

Honestly, all excuses aside (even the really legitimate ones) there’s just been a lot on my plate. Going to the gym is the last on my list of things to do.

The boyfriend is being laid off from work. This could mean relocation for him. Maybe me, but I’m not sure what’s going on with that. There are stresses in dealing with his son, and his ex-wife, and all of the other aspects of the kind of relocation options that are available to him/us. Not really knowing what’s going to happen doesn’t help. Quitting smoking was good for my heart and lungs, but bad for stress management. Thus, I’m eating more.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate my job?? Well if I haven’t, lemme explain. I haven’t liked my job in years. YEARS. I mean, I’ve actually hated it for a very long time. It used to be tolerable because I worked with some pretty cool people, but they’re simply not enough. I’m unhappy, and usually fairly miserable. I don’t like getting up in the morning because it feels like I’m wasting my day at a place I hate. If I could live in my car, I would. Now that I’m done and graduated I end up being here far too much. It’s intolerable. The things I didn’t like about school were offset by the days I was at work. The things I hated about work were offset by the days I was at school.

There’s none of that now. It’s only work. And I hate my job.

Hate.

So when I get home I have to deal with a slightly neurotic cat who insists on putting all of her water onto the floor one paw at a time and an apartment full of stuff that desperately needs to be sorted, donated, given away, gifted or thrown out.

Alas, the gym just seems to be one of the hardest things for me to focus on.

Though I should. Tomorrow. *sigh*

Today, I’ll pick a slightly healthier lunch, try not to kill anyone, and hide as much as possible.

Tags: gym, life, rant, weight loss
Posted in me, weight loss goal | 2 Comments »

And now for some photos!

So… I’ve been having some issues with getting some of the WordPress plugins to work. Particularly The WordPress Flickr Manager. For all intents and purposes, it absolutely looked like it was working properly. Except when I tried desperately to add a photo to an entry. Then it would just reload the lightbox pop-up (used for inserting into the entry) and do nothing. I thought it was the browser (Chrome) but it was happening in Firefox too! So I went looking for a working plugin, and had to do all this crazy nonsense to get that one to work. Only, it wasn’t for what I wanted, which was to be able to include just one or two (or 4) specific images to a post. I didn’t want to have to link and entire set/gallery. This isn’t a photo blog (and let’s face it, I’m not the best photographer anyway).

The “other” flickr manager thing required me to do all of this high tech mySQL database conversion stuff. It was kind of terrifying. Mostly because it’s been years since I’ve done that kind of stuff, and I don’t know all the in’s and out’s of how WordPress does it’s thing. Dreamhost ends up doing all of the updates for me automatically anyway, so it’s not really me that looks all high tech and fancy. It’s them. No joke. Not me. So I ended up getting the databases all converted from latin1 to UTF-8. Sounds exciting, but now my little Flickr widget is broken. *sigh* Ah well.

So of course, I’ve been doing all of this and getting no where. Getting frustrated was inevitable, but really? I can’t just put A photo in my blog? Just one? I don’t want to have to upload the same damn photo eleventy-billion times in fourteen different places. I use Flickr almost exclusively for my photos. It’s because I can email them from my iPhone and share. It’s just easier that way. So why all this running around (on the internet) and backwards nonsense to share A single photo?

Oh well. It seems there was some kind of weird change when WordPress updated to 2.8. The author submitted  a fix for the lovely Flickr Manager plugin I already had installed, but it hadn’t been approved yet and you could download it directly. So I did. I could have saved myself a ton of headache and confusion and database backup-ing and terrified I’m going to break something to beyond fixing. Y’know how it goes.

And so here I go with the photo sharing. Because after all this nonsense I better start sharing some damn photos, right??

Here is the first attempt at Sweater Hoodie thing. It’s technically called theApres Surf Hoodie, but I like my name better. It’s easier for me to say outloud when I talk to myself while knitting/blogging. The pattern calls for you to make two halves, the back and the front, and piece them together. I started the back (which is what you see pictured here) when I found some blog posts somewhere on the internet regarding doing it in the round (I cannot for my life find the link where the girl mentioned how she did this, but if I ever do, I’ll link it!). So I frogged (took the whole thing apart, for you non-knitting/crocheting folks) and started again. And started again. And again. And again. And again. No really. I started it over 5 different times before I finally decided on starting it on DPNs (double pointed needles; usually used for making socks and other items in the round) and after a few rows transferred it to the circular. The “invisible” start cause some issues with starting ON the circular needle (aka frustration!). I’m about 2 rows away from starting the lace part (the body), which took me DAYS to do.

Side note: Because I can now work this all in Stockinette Stitch, I can continental stitch all of it, meaning that I knit 4 times faster. Having to “throw over” all of the purl rows (when going back and forth) meant I got the first 26 rows (of both the front AND back) done in less than a day and a half (of knitting in between Wintergrasps (WoW speak ftw!) this weekend). This should technically take me a whole helluva lot less time to finish. Yay!

Also to share, because I’m in a slightly obsessed phase, is some yarn I dyed. Because, like I said, I’m slightly obsessed. This one is called Tribal. It’s Brown, Teal and Orange. I used Kool-Aid and Wilton’s Cake dye. This one makes me happy and I love it.

I call this one Odyssey. No reason for the name, but it’s Kool-Aid and Wilton’s Cake dye as well. I love the colors on this one.

And thus concludes my photo sharing entry of the day.

Tags: coding, craft, geek, knitting, life, techie, the site
Posted in crafting, photos, site, techie | 2 Comments »

Home again

The final days in England were spent attempting to find some sort of night life. Thursday night proved to be fruitless and we picked up food at one of the few shops that were still open, and walked around what is a very large outdoor mall place in Swindon. It was a shame to see so much closed so early though. I guess it’s just different there than it is here in the states.

Friday night was better. We were able to hit up this bar place much earlier in the night. The food was actually really good though, as all pub food goes, it was a little expensive. I had a couple of pints of Strongbow and the people watching commenced. I often forget how fun it is to go out in those kinds of social settings and just observe. The two of us sat against the wall, away from most people, and just watched. Occasionally people noticed we were American when we were talking, but generally we were unnoticed by most everyone else. And so I had another Strongbow and we commenced in our observations of the terrible choices in fashion made by men, women, but mostly by boys and girls.

Saturday was meant to be the last and final day to get to do all of those touristy things before heading home. Stonehenge was first on the list of things to do. Next was London for the remainder of the sightseeing there. Stonehenge was cool. I was saddened by the fact that it was all roped off and you can’t actually go up and touch the rocks. Much of the reason behind all of this is explained in the audio tour you get when you pay your admission price. We were nearly finished. we were about to finish snagging the last of our photos before heading back to the car. Just when we got to the heel stone, I noticed some clouds and said, “It’s going to rain again.” Oh, it didn’t just rain. It poured. Like buckets. It was torrential. There is only one way in, and one way out… and it’s the same place. Halfway down the walkway to get out, all traffic stopped. The people under the little tunnel stayed there. Leaving the rest of us to stand there, getting soaked and wet.

I can handle a little bit of rain. But at this point, I was soaked to skin. Yes, my underwear was soaked. My sweatshirt weighed something close to 15 pounds with all of the additional water. It was so bad that I couldn’t pack it to bring it home. This also meant that there was no way we could reasonably dry off enough to get to London. We headed back to the hotel to change clothes and he took me to Fairford. It was a very cute little town that is exactly what you imagine British towns to look like. I grabbed a pizza, he got some fish and chips and back to the hotel we went for some lounging… and packing. Sadly, the packing was only done by me.

Seeing as this was a business trip for him my getting to go was just a ‘bonus’. Travelling alone isn’t nearly as fun as travelling period. And really, this particular flight was going to suck more than the first because going into Heathrow we flew business class. Extra leg room. Free food and drinks. More space. I was coming home economy and the flight was overbooked (joy )

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have problems travelling alone. It’s not a fear of flying, or sitting next to strangers that I have problems with. But being on a plane for that many hours it’s nice to have something (or someone) that’s familiar. It just would have been nice.

This was a good trip. This was a life altering trip. From here on out, we’ll see how things go… and exactly how the cards fall. For now I’m rather enjoying the bliss.

Tags: Europe, life, love, vacation
Posted in travel | No Comments »

I’ve had about enough

I just don’t think I will ever understand why people think their time is more important than yours. That it’s okay to just walk into an office and say, “Oh looks like your having lunch.”
Nope. This is actually my job. Sit around an office and eat. It’s a pretty awesome gig.
“Well, I hate to interrupt…”
But you’re gonna do it anyway, so let’s cut to the chase and avoid the small talk. Wtf do you want?!

Realistically, it doesn’t matter. Don’t bug me. I’m really not in the mood. And now in order to make myself feel less homicidal… I will eat Cadbury Creme Eggs. *sigh*

Tags: life, rant, work
Posted in it's called life! | No Comments »

It’s a funny thing…

While in Human Sexuality today… wait a minute, lemme back up just a second.

While on Plurk today… Narilka linked to this. Particularly she was interested in turning the Apple logo into a little lcd monitor type of thing. While that’s cool, it would require me to actuall own a mac in order to even think about wanting to do something like that.

Now back in Human Sexuality… because of Narilka, I scrolled down on that link. And I saw some stuff about making the glowing logo on an MSI Wind Hackintosh. Yeah. I thought about doing that to my little Acer Aspire One, but once I started using the damn thing I didn’t want to be bothered with a lack of Wifi, and having to bust it open just to change stuff out. And it would’ve been a whole lotta nonsense in order to even think about getting OSX to work on it. So I gave up on the idea.

But today I got to reading about everything you need to do in order to make it work on the MSI Wind. Okay, sure, I’d have to actually buy the MSI Wind, which is much more expensive than the Acer, but without having to bust the damn thing open you can actually have a working Hackintosh. A NanoMac, as they’ve been called “on the net.”

Fast forward a few more  hours after I’ve arrived home, picked up some borrowed DVDs, and head over to a friend’s house. Love the woman to death, but she knows almost nothing about computers. She can use them for what she needs but someone changed the default mp3 player from itunes to WMP, and she was freakin’ out and couldn’t figure out what the hell happened. Fixed that for her. But the real purpose of my visit was to get her wireless router up and running. Poor thing is using AT&T DSL. Not the fast DSL, but the slowest one they’ve got. It’s more than enough for what she needs, but her download speeds are 1/6 of what I do. It made me want to cry. Problem was, there’s this whole “login/password” THING with AT&T. That stuff is obnoxious. Granted I know what I’m doing, but AT&T don’t have their shit together. That poor little router was having a bitch of a time trying to figure out what the HELL was going on last night. I couldn’t get it working and now T needed to call AT&T and figure out wtf they did.

She got the right information and lo… it worked. *insert sarcasm here* Surprise surprise. *rolls eyes as well*

So, she loves to listen to me talk about all the crazy dumb things I’m cooking up in my brain. She knows I have an unlocked iPhone and that I did all the unlocking. So I told her how I needed to save $300 so I could buy an MSI Wind on ebay.

She said buy it.
What?!?!?
Buy it! I’m gonna get it for you as a gift.
Woman, are you crazy? I’m not going to click that “buy it now” link.
If you don’t do it, I’m going to do it when you’re not looking anyway.
Uh… okay.

I refused to take her order. That’s not what I was talking about. This is not what I was trying to do. I was not trying to coax her into buying something for me. I thought I’d tell her my crazy little scheme and we’d laugh about what a computer geek I am. And she’d make fun of me, and I’d make fun of her lack of computer knowledge and all would be well.

She didn’t take no for an answer. While I am not an unappreciative person by any means, I still feel a little guilty about it.

Despite my guilt… despite the fact that really, with all the research and all the learning (about how to successfully get OSX running on it) I wasn’t going to buy it. Not for awhile. Not until WELL after school was finished and I had some disposable income. I guess I don’t have to worry about it anymore as I will have one in my hot little hands in about a week.

Guess what I’m doing for Spring Break…

Gotta say though, I will have to find some way to repay her for her kindness. She thinks me doing all this “computer work” for her deserves a gift of that type. I think she’s crazy, but when I’ve got that tiny little notebook in my hands running OSX, I’m going to love her a WHOLE lot.

Tags: friends, life, school
Posted in it's called life! | No Comments »

The world is falling apart

So I found out today that not only is graduating a damn good thing, but it seems that there is a real possibility that California will no longer be subsidizing tuition which means students will end up having to pay full price for tuition. That sucks, and gives me yet another reason to leave California when the chance arises.

Facebook has turned into the next myspace, only worse. Myspace wasn’t so bad because a lot of work people didn’t bother. Not that it matters because I don’t (and won’t) use myspace for anything. Ever. I had to change my profile to remove my domains from my facebook profile. Why? Because there are a billion work people running around on facebook now and it’s starting to border on being rather silly. I mean, I’m feeling like my mom is reading my diary type of thing. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I guess so long as they don’t follow me on twitter or plurk, I’ll be alright. When that day comes, I think I’m taking a sabatical from the internet. No. Really.

I’m nearly finished with my first pair of knit socks. They’re not the best, but at least I can say I made them. And then I get to work on trying to make more socks… only better.

School is whooping my ass, and I’m ready for it to be done. I’m ready to sit on my ass and do nothing for a little bit when it’s all over. Well, there’s work, but I mean, I don’t have to spend nearly every waking moment reading, or writing, or reading and writing, and studying. I’m pretty burned out.

Tags: facebook, life, social networks
Posted in it's called life!, online | No Comments »

A Strange Question

I’m never really sure how to present information when it’s not publically via the internet like I’ve spent most of my doing. I always talk about various things on the internet and I either get a response from someone (or many people) or I don’t get any response.

Having to deal with Hell Class from last semester, there were some friendships forged that would not otherwise have become friendships. I truly believe had it not been for the shared experience of that class, we all would have passed through each other’s lifes briefly and quickly and that would have been that.

The relationship I had with the boy (now the ex boy I suppose to keep things easy to understand for those following along) was left on the backburner. It had always been less significant for him (at least that’s how it felt to me) than it ever was for me. However, when it came to school and making things awkward or not awkward for those around us, I chose the not awkward route. I had my friends with whom I confided the sordid details of the final days of the relationship, but I kept it out of the public when it came to the people at school. I have a feeling that the assumption was that the ex-boy and I were together, but that very few people knew the actual status of the kind of relationship he and I shared. That was his request. I wasn’t ashamed of him, or scared of people knowing. But for him, however, it was all about “school is school and outside of school is outside of school.” They were different worlds in his mind and I respected that, even though I didn’t fully understand it.

Today was the first time anyone who has known the two of us, asked a question. Not just any question, but the question.

Friend 1: So, I have a question for you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Friend 1: So you and the ex-boy, you guys aren’t together are you?
Me: Oh no.
Friend 1: So you guys were never together?
Me: Oh we were, but that ended in November.
Friend 1 and 2: Oh!

And then came the questions and the quick rundown of what happened and the reasons why I ended things.

I explained to Friend 2 that I didn’t want things to be weird, or awkward for anyone so I left people out of it. After Friend 1 took off to meet her roommate, I walked with Friend 2 most of the way to her car and I explained some more of it.

While I often focus on a lot of the trivial nonsense: his lack of a job for 90% of our relationship, his scruffy hair, his inability to understand the “geek” side of me, etc. it really came down to much more than that. Something more fundamental. He simply didn’t respect me. I started to notice those negative traits he adopted from his roommates and thus turned them on me much earlier. However, the kind of relationship I had with the ex-boy versus the ex were totally different. It was almost easier to deal with the downright cheating the ex did over what the ex-boy did. It’s hard to decide when the time to walk away is. How much abuse do you continue to take when it’s inadvertent and masked by showers of admiration and attention? How can I be the “best girlfriend ever” and yet be the butt of your jokes when we’re out with your roommate?

It was those things that I couldn’t take anymore. The “show of power.” I miss aspects of that relationship, but for the most part I don’t miss the ex-boy at all. I definitely don’t miss the drama that went along with him, nor the drunken accusations, or any of the many other negative things that relationship produced.

No. There’s a clear line that has been created between his side of the room and mine. He respects that line, and it’s better that way… for both of us. It just seems weird to me that no matter how hard I try to keep things under wraps, there’s someone who is more observant than they let on. And they’re willing to ask the question no one else was.

Tags: life, relationship
Posted in it's called life!, school | 1 Comment »

Overwhelmed

The feeling of being overwhelmed has been around for a fair share of the last few days. I’ve made it a goal to try to get at least a chapter of reading done per day (though I’ve already fallen behind today to write a paper) in hopes of catching up on what has easily become the most ridiculous semester yet.

I realize that a lot of my frustration lies in the fact that I didn’t want to stick around Sac State for another semester and am currently attempting to take 18 units. Which considering the way the last 3 semesters have gone (minus hell class) it shouldn’t have been that bad. Too bad they’re ALL reading intensive classes. We’ll see how well I fare.

While it’s pretty late right this second, I’ve got most of my paper outlined and I’m just wasting a bit of time before getting all of the writing done. It will be done tonight before going to bed. Hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I mentioned on Plurk (and other social networking sites) how I needed to use my blogs more. Actually blog. I’ve gotten so used to the interaction of how Plurk works that I forget entirely the actual act of writing something other than a single sentence or two. The hope is that once I’ve caught up on all of reading, I can a) go out and socialize for more than an hour or two and b) I might be able to concentrate on doing some writing.Though at this point, crochet and knitting have been postponed as well. Which is even more sad since I joined Woolgirl‘s Sock Club and should be expecting the first shipment in upcoming weeks (about 3-ish).

*heavy sigh* And now I shall go back to the paper writing. Wish me luck.

Tags: graduation, life, school
Posted in it's called life!, school | No Comments »

Last paper… status: finished!

What should have been a pretty easy paper to write turned into something much more difficult. In the end I was pretty content with what I wrote, reaching just a little more than the minimum. I’m hoping I incorporated enough of the concepts from class to make it seem semi-coherent as well as making the “autobiography” portion of it somewhat interesting.

I’ve been working on customizing things on the iPhone… again. I also think I need to work on some plurk themes in order to make myself feel better. At least edit some of the already created ones so that they’re more… functional. It seems that people are so caught up in incorporating SO much anymore that they forget about aesthetics. Simple = good.

I want to purchase another domain, like I really need another one. I have a hard time keeping up with this one, let alone the writing one (since I basically do very little writing anymore) that I truly have NO need for another domain. And yet I sit here contemplating another one. I’ll likely not get it, if there’s any chance of me reobtaining the one that’s currently in limbo.

I want and need to create some new playlists… life just doesn’t seem worth living without some kind of playlist, right? And I’m always looking for new music. Any genre (though very little country). If you’re reading, please make a musical suggestion. I’ll love you for suggesting, and I’ll love you forever if I adore the music you offered up on the table.

Tomorrow is the last and final bit of this semester and I’m definitely ready for it to be over. 2 finals. A trip to the bar with classmates and work tomorrow and I’ll be on vacation. A long, much needed, vacation. Friday 4:30 can’t come soon enough!

Tags: life, music, school
Posted in it's called life! | 1 Comment »

The Pondering of a lost mind

I’ve recently upgraded to the newest WordPress. I was a little scared given the disaster from the last time I upgraded… but thus far everything is working smoothly. This new dashboard will take some getting used to, no doubt. I suppose as wtih everything, it will only be a matter of time.

I am currently procrastinating and refusing to work on a paper that I know I definitely need to do. Distraction and procrastination are very easy. The actual writing… not so much. I suppose it wouldn’t be nearly as bad if it weren’t something so obscenely personal.

I keep hoping that I’m going to write more often, but I have this feeling that it’s not likely. I lost my “writer” domain. Not sure how that happened, but the registrar wants a ridiculous amount of money for me (the owner) to get it back, beyond just the domain fee. I’ll try to see if I can’t snag it once it’s available, but if I lose it, then, well, it’s lost. I suppose I could just find another… something that speaks to me in a similar way. I’m not sure though. I had the two domains because this one was my “online persona” for so long. And the new one was me now. I’m saddened, but I’m trying not to let it affect me to the point of tears. It’s an intangible thing, y’know, when all is said and done. It’s just a silly little webplace. Nothing super important. Maybe before working on this paper, I can look for a new one… maybe.

And now that at least an hour has passed and I’ve accomplished all of nothing for this paper, I think it’s time to close all windows and get to it. *sigh* I had such high hopes for this blog entry too. Ah well. Off tow ork I go!

Tags: life, reflection, school
Posted in it's called life! | 2 Comments »