He doesn’t realize

June 15th, 2008 | Tags: ,

He has no idea how much it took for me to ask him to stay. He has no idea how hard it was for me to ask him not to go. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much it took for me to ask that of him and when he turned and left anyway… he’ll never know that I won’t ever ask him to stay again. Not under circumstances that are even remotely similar. It won’t matter, it seems. It can’t be worked through. It can’t be fixed. He’s still going to turn and leave.

So I just won’t ask him to stay.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And when I heard a motorcycle in the silence of the night, but loud enough for me to hear, I hoped it was him coming back. It wasn’t, and a little part of me is disappointed by my hope of romanticism that isn’t there… and might never be.

Who’s the pathetic one now?

Oh the disappointment

April 24th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

I knew that today was going to be a big day. I had to register for classes, though sadly, I was going to get stuck in the latter half of the afternoon, after a shitton of other people were going to get to register. Not sure how that all worked out. By the time it was 45 minutes from my registration time, my preferred lab class was wait-listed. WAIT-LISTED!! I mean, I wanted the boy to take Psychology 101 with me, and he picked his classes around that one (let’s not mention or talk about the fact that ALL of his other classes are the classes that I chose… I digress). He got in, of course. He had the most insane priority registration date. I, however, got fucked. I went ahead and wait-listed it, and signed up for another one, just in case. But seriously… it screwed my whole fuckin’ schedule up. THE. WHOLE. THING!

When I found this out, in the middle of Perception, I cried. I lost it. I nearly had the biggest nervous breakdown known to man! It was pathetic. And the boy was there to pat me on the back (literally) and tell me it would be okay and that I’d figure it out, cause I always do.

He makes these comments… all the time. I thought it was my imagination at first. That it was wishful thinking. Because some days I look at him, when he’s almost asleep in class, and wish I could touch him. Wish I could just… touch him. And other days, well, other days I wish he would just go away.

I can’t figure out what’s going on inside, and I’m confused. I can’t imagine that it’s so easy for him either. I’m guessing by the things he says, and the way he sometimes acts, that he’s equally confused. I’m only saddened by the fact that we can’t tough this confusion out together… hand in hand.

And while I smile at his little comments, and his text messages, and the smile on his face, and the look… the look he gives me… and the fact that he buys me coffee… even when I say “No thank you” too late… he thinks about me while he’s standing there in line. He thinks about me enough to buy me coffee. He buys me coffee even before I can say yes or no. And he pats my back when I’ve had a bad day. And hugs me when I think my school-world is falling apart.

Because in the end… I can’t choose to love him or not… it just happens. I just do.

I just wish he would love me back.

So it seems…

April 9th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

So much has happened. I’ve often heard the phrase “When it rains, it pours.” And man, they weren’t kidding when they came up with that line!

A part of me is thankful that I never told the boy about this website. That I never let him come here to read the things I had written about him. The sweet, kind and even wonderful things I’ve said about him. While I don’t take any of them back, I’m glad he’s not here reading… anymore.

Not only is there this current “break-up,” if you can even call it that, but the ex before decided to call me, after nearly 8 months of not speaking. After being devastated over the boy, realizing all of the things that I realized regarding him, I figured what the hell… it’s not like anything could REALLY go wrong, right?

Nothing necessarily went wrong, per se. Nothing is ever really wrong, at least that can’t be dealt with and fixed. There’s a conversation I need to have with him, that I’m not looking forward to having. Not details as of yet, until after I’ve had this conversation. While the disclaimer states, that I would not filter anything, this is something I need to do “offline” first. Before I write it out via my therapy here.

Strange revelations I’ve come to over the past few days. So much has happened. So many people coming back into my life from what feels like out of no where. Life is good… for the most part. Tuesday was hard. Tomorrow may be equally hard. The boundaries of friendship with the boy are blurred by him. I won’t overstep them, and I’ll do the best that I can to mask the pangs of hurt that sometimes burn in the middle of my chest, but I’m not sure where we stand. Friends, sure. I can try this “friend” thing out. I just don’t know how well I’m going to be at it.

To top it all off… a good friend is going through a break-up herself. A 5-year long relationship. Getting a text message that says, “I don’t think [significant other] is the one.” can really throw a person for the loop. Despite my own dramas. Despite my own issues. Despite the fact that my ENTIRE world has been shattered and destroyed in a matter of days… I need to be there for her. I need to help her through this. Why? Because I know it’s hard. Because she’s far too young to settle for second best and not life her dream. Because I know, I KNOW, that she is going somewhere… and deserves to have those things in life. And a friend who’s simply there, but doesn’t care wouldn’t be much of a friend at all. So I also shoulder her burden, on top of all of my own, and continue trudging on.

I have my moments, on the verge of tears, when I think that there can’t possibly be a reason for all of this. And then I wonder what horrible thing could I have done to bring this to my life right now. Ahhh, yes. It’s difficult to believe in a form of kharma, and not think that it will eventually come back to get me as well. Whatever I did, it better have been worth it.

I’ve realize how much stronger I actually am, than I even gave myself credit for. One thing the boy got right, my confidence was in the shitter after the ex. I felt caged. Like I couldn’t TALK to people about things. I had been trained to believe that everyone would immediately go on the defensive, and I would be stuck there… blinking, like a babbling idiot. It didn’t matter if what I said outloud made sense. It didn’t matter if I made valid points. While the boy wasn’t the reason for my finding a little bit of myself again, he was definitely part of the catalyst in the return of “the real me.”

It feels like I’ve found my superhuman strength again. The strength that so many people once admired. I wish I knew what happened to her while she was on vacation, but I’m damn glad she’s back.

And now… I need to tackle each of these things… individually. Carefully, and with caution… but these things will be taken care of… before the weekend closes.

The end

April 5th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I knew that all good things must come to an end, but I never expected one so abrupt. I never thought it would be… like this. I’ll get through it, I always do. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting… for now.