I’m never really sure how to present information when it’s not publically via the internet like I’ve spent most of my doing. I always talk about various things on the internet and I either get a response from someone (or many people) or I don’t get any response.
Having to deal with Hell Class from last semester, there were some friendships forged that would not otherwise have become friendships. I truly believe had it not been for the shared experience of that class, we all would have passed through each other’s lifes briefly and quickly and that would have been that.
The relationship I had with the boy (now the ex boy I suppose to keep things easy to understand for those following along) was left on the backburner. It had always been less significant for him (at least that’s how it felt to me) than it ever was for me. However, when it came to school and making things awkward or not awkward for those around us, I chose the not awkward route. I had my friends with whom I confided the sordid details of the final days of the relationship, but I kept it out of the public when it came to the people at school. I have a feeling that the assumption was that the ex-boy and I were together, but that very few people knew the actual status of the kind of relationship he and I shared. That was his request. I wasn’t ashamed of him, or scared of people knowing. But for him, however, it was all about “school is school and outside of school is outside of school.” They were different worlds in his mind and I respected that, even though I didn’t fully understand it.
Today was the first time anyone who has known the two of us, asked a question. Not just any question, but the question.
Friend 1: So, I have a question for you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Friend 1: So you and the ex-boy, you guys aren’t together are you?
Me: Oh no.
Friend 1: So you guys were never together?
Me: Oh we were, but that ended in November.
Friend 1 and 2: Oh!
And then came the questions and the quick rundown of what happened and the reasons why I ended things.
I explained to Friend 2 that I didn’t want things to be weird, or awkward for anyone so I left people out of it. After Friend 1 took off to meet her roommate, I walked with Friend 2 most of the way to her car and I explained some more of it.
While I often focus on a lot of the trivial nonsense: his lack of a job for 90% of our relationship, his scruffy hair, his inability to understand the “geek” side of me, etc. it really came down to much more than that. Something more fundamental. He simply didn’t respect me. I started to notice those negative traits he adopted from his roommates and thus turned them on me much earlier. However, the kind of relationship I had with the ex-boy versus the ex were totally different. It was almost easier to deal with the downright cheating the ex did over what the ex-boy did. It’s hard to decide when the time to walk away is. How much abuse do you continue to take when it’s inadvertent and masked by showers of admiration and attention? How can I be the “best girlfriend ever” and yet be the butt of your jokes when we’re out with your roommate?
It was those things that I couldn’t take anymore. The “show of power.” I miss aspects of that relationship, but for the most part I don’t miss the ex-boy at all. I definitely don’t miss the drama that went along with him, nor the drunken accusations, or any of the many other negative things that relationship produced.
No. There’s a clear line that has been created between his side of the room and mine. He respects that line, and it’s better that way… for both of us. It just seems weird to me that no matter how hard I try to keep things under wraps, there’s someone who is more observant than they let on. And they’re willing to ask the question no one else was.Filed under it's called life!, school | Comment (1)
I haven’t written in awhile, and I feel the effects of carrying a load inside of my own head. I want to bitch about things, and yet, I never can seem to get all of it out. People keep interrupting me. People keep asking me other questions, throwing me for loops and taking me on the tangent ride. It’s quite frustrating. Even my own boyfriend is starting to drive me insane.
And really that’s what this bitch session is gonna be about. He is the reason why I need a moment away from the world, just me and my words, because he’s absolutely driving me to the point of wishing I were single again. Actually, I woke up the other day thinking I might be better off without a boyfriend… though I know how irrational people can be when they first get up in the morning, so I sluffed that idea off.
He is absolutely not the horrible bastard i sometimes make him out to be in my mind, I realize this. But there are times when he needs to take a fuckin’ step back and treat me like a girl. The intimate part of our relationship has gone stagnant, to the point that it feels as though we’re an old married couple who don’t live together. Everything seems to cause such a strain and a chore. He never wants to go do things with my friends, but I have to endure the unending string of “bachelor-hood” and his roommates when I go to his place. He invites people along on our “dates” which apparently he didn’t see as a date or he wouldn’t have invited people along!
The stress and strain of school is wearing on me. It feels as though he’s leaning very heavily on me to help keep him afloat, or that it’s my job to make things understandable for him. He often looks at what I did, and how I did it, getting frustrated and annoyed when he doesn’t understand the answer I give him.
I have heard multiple times during the last week “I just need a beer.” Which isn’t so bad. It’s the “I bought a bottle of wine and was only going to have a glass, but ended up having the whole bottle” part that bothers me. He complains about his “drunk” roommates, but he doesn’t seem to be faring all that well himself. For all of life’s bumps, it’s beer that seems to fix it all!!
We all have our crutches, sure. But when he gets drunk, after he’s been drinking for a bit, he turns into the biggest most condescending asshole imaginable! I just don’t understand how his mind works when he’s gotten a bit of alcohol in his system. I’m fun, and happy when I’m drunk. I don’t understand this “I need to destroy all the good things in my life by starting shit” mentality when drunk.
My friend’s don’t use alcohol as a means to cope with life. They don’t use drugs either. I have a hard time being okay with the fact that he not only drinks far too much for his own good, but has not one, but TWO pipes for weed sitting on his bedside table. Mind you, I don’t have personal issues with pot when it’s just recreational, or occasional. But I know when he’s around his roommates, it’s just “what we do.” Yeah, that’s not okay with me. I didn’t sign up for the drunken pot-head to be my boyfriend either.
Oh, and his new thing is to make plans on weekends he’s supposed to come up to see me. Or invite me along, knowing I am going to be the one to fare the gas/driving bill. He doesn’t offer to give me gas money to go along on event A if I drive to him. Oh no. He also doesn’t offer to come get me and take me to event A either, knowing he gets almost 20 miles/gallon more than I do in the car. Nope. Whatever.
And now there are these other little details, which he must have believed were minute, but they’re eating away at me, bugging the shit out of me. He had this female friend, which apparently had this HUGE crush on him… which inevitably becomes part of the reason why they are no longer friends. But I found out she is the only other person to be a passenger on his motorcycle. Before me. She tried to sleep with him too… did she succeed? I mean we weren’t together, but that’s a kink in the works I’m not willing to let go too lightly.
His inability to make a decision, about anything, is starting to bug me too. He has ideas for the direction of his life, but no plans. No goals. Just point A and point B, but no actually means of getting there… and these are not the kinds of things where geometry fixes the equation. There MUST be a plan of some kind. But while I’m trying to stay on the straight path between my point A and my point B, he’s wandering around all over the place… including me in his ridiculous plans to move here, or move there, or apply for this crazy expensive school (like a dumb ass)… whatever is his current whim… that’s the “goal” or “plan” of the moment. Well, I’m not playing that game. I’m sticking to my plan. If he wants to be a part of it, he can. Otherwise, I’m leaving his ass behind.
Which leads me to my last and final point… if I’m so willing to just leave him behind that easily, why bother at all? What is the point of this relationship which is good most of the time, but when I’m not happy and things aren’t good it’s rather catastrophic and my mind goes straight to… I want nothing to do with him.
He senses, at times, when things are wrong. Suddenly he tells me again and again how much he loves me, how awesome I am, how he’s so luck to have me as a girlfriend, and on and on. It’s all sweet. It really is. But over done and over played. It doesn’t weigh as much with me anymore. I just think he wants to smooth over the surface, and pat me on the head until the water calms again.
I wish it worked that way, hun, I wish it did.Filed under it's called life! | Comment (0)
So the boy bought me this wonderful stash of candy goodness… avoiding chocolate (and while I love chocolate like the next guy, he knows I’m much more a sugar person having a strange affinity for gummy candies especially). He also bought me this insane stash of book. Not just any books. But books he’s seen me wander around the bookstore with, desperately wanting to buy, but always putting it back because it’s just out of my price range for the minute.
He also got me this framed watercolor painting that his roommate did. He remembered the first time I saw all of Garnier’s paintings, how much I said I loved this one in particular. So he bought it for me. It’s being hung immediately when I get home. That to me, beyond the books and candy, means a whole lot. A whole lot.
I’ve quite thoroughly enjoyed having internet and being able to use my blazing fast computer again. How much I’ve missed having internet at home. That will definitely be one of the FIRST things I reestablish the second I get some money. The first.
There are some new pictures on Flickr. If I weren’t in a hurry, I’d add them to the post. Maybe later.Filed under it's called life!, me | Comment (0)
Me to The Boy
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 4:52pm
“Baby. Baby. Baby. *pokes you in the arm* Baby. Baby. *tries to annoy you* Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. *kisses you on the cheek and runs off*
The Boy to Me
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 5:49pm
“You’re so cute. I’ll call you soon”
The Boy to Me
Sent: August 21, 2008 @ 4:06am
“Baby! (Pokes you in the shoulder) I hate to wake you (gives you a little wink) I wanted to tell you something (smile)… I just Love the shit out of you. ”
Seriously… So damn cute. I got that last one when I woke up in the morning. *sigh*Filed under the boy | Comment (0)
Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.
So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.
*Insert Sad Panda*
But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.
Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.
Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.
So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”
I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.
We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.Filed under it's called life!, relationship, the boy | Comment (0)
Over the years, I know that I have become bitter and cynical. I don’t care so much about the plight of man, because all I can seem to focus on is the fact that 95% of the people I encounter are blatently stupid, or otherwise ignorant to their stupidity (only making it worse) making me want to gouge my own eyes out and shove sharp objects in my ears to relieve myself of the hassle of listening to seeing these stupid people in action. The other 5% is spread out amongst those I actually give a shit about (~1%) and those who make me want to go postal on the world (the remaining 4%). I am generally tired, and pissed off all the time. Or at least bitching about those things that piss me off, almost all of the time.
I’m not always a very fun or happy person to be around. Which means I’m not always a fun or happy person to be in a relationship with either. The failure of my past relationships have not always been the fault of the guy… sometimes (and I mean rarely) it was my own fault (kidding about the rarely part).
I remember my early relationships, and I remember being so very carefree and light-hearted. I remember feeling as though the world were at my fingertips, at my disposal, and that there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I also remember the devastation that the end of those early relationships caused, and somehow realizing that the world didn’t end when the relationship ended… and my life didn’t end now that some boy was out of it.
As the years went, and relationships came and went, I started to become less enthusiastic… and less devastated. Some relationships were a chore. Others were merely adventures. There were those rare ones that I hoped would turn into the eventual “white fence with 2.5 kids” situation. None of them ever did. One thing was consistent… they never lasted.
The longest relationship I had ever had was the one prior to the boy, or… the ex. It was an off-and-on thing, sure, but even if you put all of the “on” parts together, it was still the longest I had ever been with someone. The desire to have something work, especially when regarding a relationship, seems to get stronger as you get older. At least it has been that way for me. I don’t want to mess around with little boys who just want to get laid. I had my fair share of fun at one point or another, and I’m done. I’m not going to waste my life with that sort of thing.
I also realized a few things over the course of the last few years. You can’t make a person change, even if it’s for the betterment of them, and everyone else. You can’t forcibly bottle everything inside and think the explosion after the fact is okay. I want to have kids, and being with someone who doesn’t want more can very much be a waste of time and effort, as you will never see eye to eye on the topic. Wanting to get married is also something similar… I’m not going to waste my time or life with someone who doesn’t want to get married to me… ever. I also have learned, that I am a jaded and bitter old woman. While I’m attracted to the cute boy, I don’t want to keep the cute boy (who’s too stupid to create a full sentence without some coaxing) around for long… if ever, for that matter.
Despite the way things have been for me in the relationship department, I’ve been… happy with this one. The distance has probably helped to ensure that we’ll make it to the next weekend. We’re definitely given the opportunity to miss the other for the majority of the week. Absense can make the heart grow fonder, but in the case of me and the boy, the extreme absense also make us cranky, pissy, and slightly paranoid. He sometimes imagines that I’m in a “bad mood” even when I’m not. I sometimes imagine that he’s found other more important things, when that’s not necessarily the case.
Through all of it we seem to have a good thing going. He can be very patient with me, and just pointing out that I’m being slightly irrational can quickly bring me back down to earth and out of my “I hate the world and I want everyone to die” moods.
I didn’t think I could ever miss someone so completely that I feel empty when he’s not around. The sadness of having to sleep alone is almost unbearable. Whenever I get home, I hope that he’ll be there, so we can go find some other small adventure, motorcycle ride, drive anywhere… it doesn’t matter. I didn’t think I’d ever miss someone the way I miss him when he has to leave and go home… but I feel like I’m in high school, all over again.Filed under it's called life!, relationship | Comment (1)
See, there’s a funny thing about having a semi-long distance relationship with someone. And I’ve blogged about it before. We never get to go through the obsessive phase where we ditch all of our friends and spend every waking minute we possibly can together. Everything we do has to be planned because there’s an hour drive to see the other. There are a few benefits to him coming to see me, the largest of them being that it costs him a ridiculous amount of money less in gas (and we get to go around town on his motorcycle instead, woo!). But we also get privacy (well, besides the cat who loves him, that little pain in my ass!), where we get some, but he has two roommates.
Thursday I wanted to leave work early, get a head start on my weekend. I knew I was going to spend the majority of it with the boy, and that made me giddy like a kid. On the way home, I stopped by the fruit stand and picked up a few pounds of peaches. They’re the boy’s favorite fruit.
We texted once I got home, and while I was tempted to use the peaches as a means to lure him to my place half a day earlier, I figured it might be a cheap ploy. So when he thought of coming up Thursday night instead of Friday, I was thrilled.it's called life!, the boy | Comment (0)
When someone is feeling down, or even depressed, I’m never entirely sure how to react. Sometimes what they want is just someone to listen to them bitch. Other times (and these seem to crop up equally as often as the bitch-fest sessions) they want advice as though I’m a therapist.
I also don’t often get to see the boy for more than a day and a half at a time. It just so happens that the distance, gas prices and the ever poorness of a student keeps us from being able to go through the “spend every waking minute together” phase. Most of the time this is okay, but sometimes… sometimes this is very trying. So when the boy offered to drive up to come see me after I had spend the previous day with him, I was very excited. That’s nearly 2 days together (with a work “break” in between)! This was truly a momentous event!
But when he arrived, he was irritated. Angry even. Roommate issues that have been perpetuating over time, and only now does he realize that a lot of those irritations that he’s let slide, are really NOT okay… in anyone’s book. With the introduction of a 3rd person into the household, he’s suddenly starting to realize that roommate #1 takes an awful lot of liberties with other people’s things. Mainly, the boy had his expensive motorcycle riding glasses taken. This did not set the tone for the rest of the night.
I was excited to have him over, but once he had his opportunity to vent, he started getting restless. He wanted to go out. He wanted to go DO something. I was a willing participant, but in this hellhole, there’s not a whole lot available to do in the middle of the week. Instead he got up, made himself some dinner, while I fiddle around with correcting the Elton John songs I downloaded that were mislabeled.
He didn’t sleep well, so when I left this morning for work, I left him there to try to rest some more.
I wish I knew what to do. Or what to say, in situations like that. I guess the only thing I can do is not get upset by the fact that he wasn’t the doting boyfriend he can be, and know that there will often be days just like this. If he can forgive me for my moods (which are often angry ones), I should be able to forget his (which are more depressed).Filed under it's called life!, the boy | Comment (0)
My father has a way with words. I love the man, more than I could ever possibly love another human being. He’s done more for me and bailed me out of more stupid situations than I could ever possibly begin to count (let alone document). He’s a great guy and really honest with me too. I love him, but sometimes I think he misses the mark.
While I appreciate his advice regarding the boy, I have a feeling that he doesn’t know completely what’s going on. He listened to me bitch a little bit because I was upset, and all of a sudden I’m dating this co-dependent bastard who just wants someone to be his mom. I mean, I get it. I get what he’s saying. I’ve attached myself to a guy who seems to be too emotionally attached. But really, I can’t fault the guy when I’m the same way?
I’m a little taken aback by his future plans that include me. But none of it is so horrible that we can’t figure out a compromise… somewhere. And I know that I care deeply for the boy because I do flip out when I don’t get to see him more. I hate the fact that I only get to see him once a week, and if I’m lucky he’ll stay the night (or I’ll get to stay the night with him). Most of the time, we get to chat online or talk on the phone. It’s not super long distance, but it’s long distance enough to still suck.
I have my moments of weakness. When I think to myself that this was all just a bad idea. That getting into a relationship was a bad idea. That getting involved with him again was a bad idea. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my desire to see that things could be better… that things could be good. They can be. There’s a very large potential for it to be something really great. And I’ll admit something else too. I’m not opening up to him nearly as much as I would like. Is it bitterness from relationships past? Is it reluctance because of how things went the last time we tried to date? I’m not completely sure. All I know is that I’m going for it now.
And the conversation we had last night about what happened was a good one.Filed under relationship | Comment (1)
A part of me wishes that I could just hold onto this, and relish in it. Because it’s what I wanted all along. It’s what I was hoping for all along. I wanted him to realize how wonderful I was (*smirk*) and to come running back. I wanted him to know that I would be here for him, despite the fact that at times I really don’t like him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want me back.
For all intents and purposes, that’s what I got. At least that’s my take on the conversations of the last few days.
I try to see if I can get him to talk to me about it, without having to outright ask him what the hell is going on. He’s decided that pet names are his thing again. And not just the broad “baby” he uses when he refers to his female friends. I’m talking about the “sweetie’s” and “sweetie pie’s” that he used to call me when we were first dating.
He wants me to meet his mom. His mom wants to meet me, so he asked if I was okay with that. I guess so. I don’t have any objections to it. I just wonder what he’s been telling her to make her want to meet me. I’m just some girl who came into his life and loved him for a little while during a rough spot.the boy | Comment (1)