Having to deal with Hell Class from last semester, there were some friendships forged that would not otherwise have become friendships. I truly believe had it not been for the shared experience of that class, we all would have passed through each other’s lifes briefly and quickly and that would have been that.

The relationship I had with the boy (now the ex boy I suppose to keep things easy to understand for those following along) was left on the backburner. It had always been less significant for him (at least that’s how it felt to me) than it ever was for me. However, when it came to school and making things awkward or not awkward for those around us, I chose the not awkward route. I had my friends with whom I confided the sordid details of the final days of the relationship, but I kept it out of the public when it came to the people at school. I have a feeling that the assumption was that the ex-boy and I were together, but that very few people knew the actual status of the kind of relationship he and I shared. That was his request. I wasn’t ashamed of him, or scared of people knowing. But for him, however, it was all about “school is school and outside of school is outside of school.” They were different worlds in his mind and I respected that, even though I didn’t fully understand it.

Today was the first time anyone who has known the two of us, asked a question. Not just any question, but the question.

Friend 1: So, I have a question for you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Friend 1: So you and the ex-boy, you guys aren’t together are you?
Me: Oh no.
Friend 1: So you guys were never together?
Me: Oh we were, but that ended in November.
Friend 1 and 2: Oh!

And then came the questions and the quick rundown of what happened and the reasons why I ended things.

I explained to Friend 2 that I didn’t want things to be weird, or awkward for anyone so I left people out of it. After Friend 1 took off to meet her roommate, I walked with Friend 2 most of the way to her car and I explained some more of it.

While I often focus on a lot of the trivial nonsense: his lack of a job for 90% of our relationship, his scruffy hair, his inability to understand the “geek” side of me, etc. it really came down to much more than that. Something more fundamental. He simply didn’t respect me. I started to notice those negative traits he adopted from his roommates and thus turned them on me much earlier. However, the kind of relationship I had with the ex-boy versus the ex were totally different. It was almost easier to deal with the downright cheating the ex did over what the ex-boy did. It’s hard to decide when the time to walk away is. How much abuse do you continue to take when it’s inadvertent and masked by showers of admiration and attention? How can I be the “best girlfriend ever” and yet be the butt of your jokes when we’re out with your roommate?

It was those things that I couldn’t take anymore. The “show of power.” I miss aspects of that relationship, but for the most part I don’t miss the ex-boy at all. I definitely don’t miss the drama that went along with him, nor the drunken accusations, or any of the many other negative things that relationship produced.

No. There’s a clear line that has been created between his side of the room and mine. He respects that line, and it’s better that way… for both of us. It just seems weird to me that no matter how hard I try to keep things under wraps, there’s someone who is more observant than they let on. And they’re willing to ask the question no one else was.

And really that’s what this bitch session is gonna be about. He is the reason why I need a moment away from the world, just me and my words, because he’s absolutely driving me to the point of wishing I were single again. Actually, I woke up the other day thinking I might be better off without a boyfriend… though I know how irrational people can be when they first get up in the morning, so I sluffed that idea off.

He is absolutely not the horrible bastard i sometimes make him out to be in my mind, I realize this. But there are times when he needs to take a fuckin’ step back and treat me like a girl. The intimate part of our relationship has gone stagnant, to the point that it feels as though we’re an old married couple who don’t live together. Everything seems to cause such a strain and a chore. He never wants to go do things with my friends, but I have to endure the unending string of “bachelor-hood” and his roommates when I go to his place. He invites people along on our “dates” which apparently he didn’t see as a date or he wouldn’t have invited people along!

The stress and strain of school is wearing on me. It feels as though he’s leaning very heavily on me to help keep him afloat, or that it’s my job to make things understandable for him. He often looks at what I did, and how I did it, getting frustrated and annoyed when he doesn’t understand the answer I give him.

I have heard multiple times during the last week “I just need a beer.” Which isn’t so bad. It’s the “I bought a bottle of wine and was only going to have a glass, but ended up having the whole bottle” part that bothers me. He complains about his “drunk” roommates, but he doesn’t seem to be faring all that well himself. For all of life’s bumps, it’s beer that seems to fix it all!!

We all have our crutches, sure. But when he gets drunk, after he’s been drinking for a bit, he turns into the biggest most condescending asshole imaginable! I just don’t understand how his mind works when he’s gotten a bit of alcohol in his system. I’m fun, and happy when I’m drunk. I don’t understand this “I need to destroy all the good things in my life by starting shit” mentality when drunk.

My friend’s don’t use alcohol as a means to cope with life. They don’t use drugs either. I have a hard time being okay with the fact that he not only drinks far too much for his own good, but has not one, but TWO pipes for weed sitting on his bedside table. Mind you, I don’t have personal issues with pot when it’s just recreational, or occasional. But I know when he’s around his roommates, it’s just “what we do.” Yeah, that’s not okay with me. I didn’t sign up for the drunken pot-head to be my boyfriend either.

Oh, and his new thing is to make plans on weekends he’s supposed to come up to see me. Or invite me along, knowing I am going to be the one to fare the gas/driving bill. He doesn’t offer to give me gas money to go along on event A if I drive to him. Oh no. He also doesn’t offer to come get me and take me to event A either, knowing he gets almost 20 miles/gallon more than I do in the car. Nope. Whatever.

And now there are these other little details, which he must have believed were minute, but they’re eating away at me, bugging the shit out of me. He had this female friend, which apparently had this HUGE crush on him… which inevitably becomes part of the reason why they are no longer friends. But I found out she is the only other person to be a passenger on his motorcycle. Before me. She tried to sleep with him too… did she succeed? I mean we weren’t together, but that’s a kink in the works I’m not willing to let go too lightly.

His inability to make a decision, about anything, is starting to bug me too. He has ideas for the direction of his life, but no plans. No goals. Just point A and point B, but no actually means of getting there… and these are not the kinds of things where geometry fixes the equation. There MUST be a plan of some kind. But while I’m trying to stay on the straight path between my point A and my point B, he’s wandering around all over the place… including me in his ridiculous plans to move here, or move there, or apply for this crazy expensive school (like a dumb ass)… whatever is his current whim… that’s the “goal” or “plan” of the moment. Well, I’m not playing that game. I’m sticking to my plan. If he wants to be a part of it, he can. Otherwise, I’m leaving his ass behind.

Which leads me to my last and final point… if I’m so willing to just leave him behind that easily, why bother at all? What is the point of this relationship which is good most of the time, but when I’m not happy and things aren’t good it’s rather catastrophic and my mind goes straight to… I want nothing to do with him.

He senses, at times, when things are wrong. Suddenly he tells me again and again how much he loves me, how awesome I am, how he’s so luck to have me as a girlfriend, and on and on. It’s all sweet. It really is. But over done and over played. It doesn’t weigh as much with me anymore. I just think he wants to smooth over the surface, and pat me on the head until the water calms again.

I wish it worked that way, hun, I wish it did.

He also got me this framed watercolor painting that his roommate did. He remembered the first time I saw all of Garnier’s paintings, how much I said I loved this one in particular. So he bought it for me. It’s being hung immediately when I get home. That to me, beyond the books and candy, means a whole lot. A whole lot.

I’ve quite thoroughly enjoyed having internet and being able to use my blazing fast computer again. How much I’ve missed having internet at home. That will definitely be one of the FIRST things I reestablish the second I get some money. The first.

There are some new pictures on Flickr. If I weren’t in a hurry, I’d add them to the post. Maybe later.

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 5:49pm
“You’re so cute. I’ll call you soon”

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 21, 2008 @ 4:06am
“Baby! (Pokes you in the shoulder) I hate to wake you (gives you a little wink) I wanted to tell you something (smile)… I just Love the shit out of you. ”

Seriously… So damn cute. I got that last one when I woke up in the morning. *sigh*

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.