In a state of thixotropy

The Edge of Reason

“You look down your nose at absolutely everyone. And you’re incapable of doing anything spontaneous or potentially affectionate. It feelsl ike you’re waiting to find someone in the VIP room, who’s… who’s so fantastic… just the way she is, that you don’t need to fix her.”

“Bridget, this is mad.”

“Perhaps you’ve thought you’ve found her. Do you want to marry me?”

“Look I…”

“You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.”

- Bridget Jones to Mark Darcy “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason“

Tags: movies, quotes, relationship
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The end

I knew that all good things must come to an end, but I never expected one so abrupt. I never thought it would be… like this. I’ll get through it, I always do. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting… for now.

Tags: pain, relationship, the boy
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Why?!?

It sucks. It sucks when there’s someone you know… that you’ve known for a long time… that you’ve had many a conversation with… and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice him before?”

I did, but there was always this baggage following him around. Baggage with a name. And she was constantly… in essence… stalking him. I wasn’t about to get involved in that drama.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore the boy. I know that there’s a part of me that is completely in love with him. But he’s right. I don’t need to be his rebound. And he doesn’t need to be mine. As he’s so blatantly pointed out, we’re not exclusive. I guess that leaves the door open to date other people if we so desired. I don’t really want to date anyone else. I’d love to have the boy all to myself and never have to worry ever again.

It just sucks that he lives so far away. That I can’t just want to go play pool with him and have him able to go. It has to be planned. It has to be a “day” out of it. And yet, this friend, this good friend that I’ve known for quite some time, is there. We played pool all night. Minus a few technicalities, he kicked my ASS at pool, and it was okay. Cause he’s awesome company and we get along really well.

Though I’m not even remotely thinking of giving up on the boy just yet. It just sucks that I didn’t notice the friend prior to this. I mean, I know that I’m not necessarily at the best place in life with school and work and all that mumbo jumbo, but at the same time. I want a nice guy. I want a good guy to be there for me through the thick and the thin. I want someone who claims me as theirs while I can do the same. How long is that going to be before the boy thinks we’ve reached the point where we can be an “exclusive couple?”

How long…

I guess I’m going to stick it out and see. The things he’s gone through in the time we’ve been dating has been… insane. I couldn’t make this shit up. I couldn’t even try. And yet, here we are… both of us battling through it in our own ways. Him, obviously, being the most affected. Not to say that it doesn’t affect me too. It does. I had accepted that there would be these responsibilities in his life. That there would be a point, and that point was coming nearer, where I would never be first in his life. I would be second, at best, forever. Maybe one day I’ll write about it. Work through my feelings about the whole situations. Right now, I know, that there’s NO reason for me to be put last on the list again.

He was relinquished of his duties. He no longer has to worry.

Now it’s just a matter of seeing what happens from here. Will I continue to be put last on the list of priorities? Or will he put me first… every now and again… like I’ve often done for him.

He’s not in my life to fill a gap, or a hole, or to fix me… but I know that my feelings for him are not waning. Even though I’m starting to wonder why I never noticed the friend as anything more than that… before.

Timing. Impeccable.

Tags: friends, life, relationship, the boy
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I had a moment

And it wasn’t a good one. I think I might have flipped out on him. I might have forgotten something I told him. Specifically that I asked him to be something stable in his life while everything else was so unstable. I offered to be there for him, in a “above and beyond” sort of way.

I said it because I meant it.

Today, I forgot I meant it. Today, I cared only about me.

I’m not sure if I ruined everything. I’m going to back off and let him deal with his stuff. I almost wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I spent most of my day on the phone with The BFF hoping that she might be able to help me sort it out. In playing the devil’s advocate, and after speaking to a male friend, I started to realize a few things.

I don’t want him out of my life. I jumped the gun when I flipped the hell out. I should really take some time to think about things before I say something. Especially since his first text message to me this afternoon, he called me “sweet pea.” Damn.

Open mouth, insert foot. The story of my effing life.

Tags: contemplation, relationship, the boy
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In his own way

He might not know it, but I can tell he’s trying to reach out. I don’t think he wants to. I don’t think he wants to get attached… in much the same way I don’t want to get attached. For fear of getting hurt.

There is a closeness we share, outside of the bedroom intimacy. There have been times when I almost said those words. Not even thinking about it. Just that they wanted to come out. As though it were the moment I got caught up in, and not because I’m pressured to say them… but because it was what I wanted to say. I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know that I’ll be there for him… in the best way that I can. That as long as he has me in his life, I am in his life. I’ll only back down if he asks me to.

And even then, I might consider trying to fight to keep him. Though I doubt I will… cause fighting to keep someone in my life in the past has turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

When he’s in the right mindset. When he’s “on his game” he has a brilliant way with words. We are so different in so many ways. In all of the weird superficial ways that I thought I’d have to find someone similar to me. I find it weird and somewhat amusing. This must be what they mean by opposites attract.

He has some shit he’s going through. He had a lot of shit he’s going through right now. I couldn’t write about it even if I wanted to, because I don’t know what it is. He’s still working through it. He’s still trying to make sense of it before he tells me about it. I’m curious, don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely curious. I’m just not willing to push him into telling me. I’m not going to force him to tell me anything. If he wants me to know, he’ll tell me when he’s ready.

Though I know, in his own way, he’s reaching out. I just wish I knew exactly what he wanted me to do.

Tags: life, reflection, relationship, the boy
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Drunken Interrogation

As is the trend with the boy, it seems that after a night of drinking, he wants to talk. Don’t get me wrong, I adore talking to him. I feel this comfort with him, even on the phone, that I don’t often have with many people. We share this weird bond, if nothing else, on an intellectual level. It’s because of this that I like him so much. It’s because of this that I don’t often mind the questions he asks.

The other night, however, he went out with his roommate and another friend. No big deal. He lives so damn far away that there’s no way in hell the two of us are going to be able to do everything together. I’m honestly okay with that. I enjoy doing my own thing too, even if inside there’s that part of me that really wants him around… all. the. time.

After he got home, he sent me a text message. I responded. He called. From there it was only a matter of time before the conversation went downhill. It’s that I mind when he asks me questions about my life, or my experiences. I don’t mind at all. What bothers me more than almost anything else, is when I’m asked a question and in the middle of answering, I’m interrupted and asked another question.

Now, this is fine. Fine. You want to interrupt me before I have a chance to say something. Okay. No big deal. But please don’t accuse me of avoiding your questions, or “discounting my feelings for” yours. That is SO not the case.

He proceeded to try to piss me off (which he succeeded in doing, btw). He was trying to get me rilled up. He wanted me to bitch to him about something. Because he was determined to believe that I couldn’t possibly (actually) be happy and content. Oh no. That’s impossible! No, I’m exaggerating… slightly. No, what he wanted was for me to confront him with issues. Anything about him that might annoy the crap out of me.  I realize he’s not perfect. I know this. I accept this. I know and accept that I’m not perfect either. I just know that the things that bug me about him are small, and seemingly trivial, and I’m willing to be patient and see if they’ll work themselves out or become something that I need to discuss with him.

While I don’t necessarily agree with much of what he said, especially his “insight” into my psyche, I know that when he’s been drinking there is often a different version of him. What made me laugh, and I mean out loud near gut-busting laugh, was when he admitted that when he’s not intoxicated, he’s almost too scared to bring things up. Ah ha! *points an accusing finger at him* You are doing one of the BIGGEST pet peeves… evar! Don’t project your own discomfort onto me. Don’t point an accusing finger at me about not bringing up issues when it’s YOU who doesn’t feel okay with doing it (without alcohol). I did, absolutely, explain how much that bothers me. He said he would work on that.

I’m okay with that. I can work with that.

Despite him trying and succeeding in getting a rise out of me, we’re still good. I’m willing to try and from the sounds of it, he’s willing to try as well. Right now, that’s about all I could possibly ask for. Some effort.

Tags: life, relationship, the boy
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Handsome Boy

How is it that I’ve spent so many years, clinging onto this hope that I wasn’t meant to be alone forever. I mean, in high school I just knew that I’d be alone. The majority of my life’s journey was going to be a solo venture. I accepted that fate long ago. It’s just that every time I turn around, I see the happiness that a relationship brings. I see the joy, and the comfort of a family. While I understand my role in life is different, and I’m not destined for the mundane, I can’t help but wish that there was a piece of that pie waiting for me.

This boy, this wonderful boy, has come along and disrupted the whole equilibrium of my life.

I spent months being bitter and pissed off at my ex. He was the cause for such loss. He was the cause of such hurt. And yet, he wasn’t. I started to blame myself. Who the hell was I fooling?!? I was to blame for the failure of things. I was the blame for being dumb enough to go back (again and again). I deserved what I got because I was the one who chose to not see what was going on in front of me.

Last night, I spent hours upon hours talking to this person. He always has a way of opening me up somehow. He asks interesting questions, and I have nothing to hide, from him or anyone else. And so I answer. The inner voice wants to woo him with my words. For him to see my brilliance in all the things that I say, in all the stories that I tell. Which will in turn, make him fall madly in love with me and never want me to leave his life. I realize the foolishness of this, but that child who grew up on fairy tales and happy endings can’t help but dream about it too.

And so… he brought to the forefront a plethora of issues and concerns going on in my life. Things that weren’t necessarily holding me back. Never something that was keeping me from attempting to achieve (and eventually succeeding in getting) my dream. But I have to stop. And I have to think. And I have to wonder how this guy, this man, my boy… with whom I’ve only really known for a matter of months can see me. Not just the surface me you show to everyone. Not just the funny quips, and the interesting stories, and colored hair… but deeper than that. How did he see the little girl crying? How did he know what to ask?

How can we have only really known each other a matter of a couple of months, and he know more about me than my ex ever did in nearly 3 years?

I don’t know, but I’ll always love him for it. He’ll always be someone important in my life.

Tags: relationship, soul searching
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