It’s a funny thing…

March 17th, 2009 | Tags: , ,

While in Human Sexuality today… wait a minute, lemme back up just a second.

While on Plurk today… Narilka linked to this. Particularly she was interested in turning the Apple logo into a little lcd monitor type of thing. While that’s cool, it would require me to actuall own a mac in order to even think about wanting to do something like that.

Now back in Human Sexuality… because of Narilka, I scrolled down on that link. And I saw some stuff about making the glowing logo on an MSI Wind Hackintosh. Yeah. I thought about doing that to my little Acer Aspire One, but once I started using the damn thing I didn’t want to be bothered with a lack of Wifi, and having to bust it open just to change stuff out. And it would’ve been a whole lotta nonsense in order to even think about getting OSX to work on it. So I gave up on the idea.

But today I got to reading about everything you need to do in order to make it work on the MSI Wind. Okay, sure, I’d have to actually buy the MSI Wind, which is much more expensive than the Acer, but without having to bust the damn thing open you can actually have a working Hackintosh. A NanoMac, as they’ve been called “on the net.”

Fast forward a few moreĀ  hours after I’ve arrived home, picked up some borrowed DVDs, and head over to a friend’s house. Love the woman to death, but she knows almost nothing about computers. She can use them for what she needs but someone changed the default mp3 player from itunes to WMP, and she was freakin’ out and couldn’t figure out what the hell happened. Fixed that for her. But the real purpose of my visit was to get her wireless router up and running. Poor thing is using AT&T DSL. Not the fast DSL, but the slowest one they’ve got. It’s more than enough for what she needs, but her download speeds are 1/6 of what I do. It made me want to cry. Problem was, there’s this whole “login/password” THING with AT&T. That stuff is obnoxious. Granted I know what I’m doing, but AT&T don’t have their shit together. That poor little router was having a bitch of a time trying to figure out what the HELL was going on last night. I couldn’t get it working and now T needed to call AT&T and figure out wtf they did.

She got the right information and lo… it worked. *insert sarcasm here* Surprise surprise. *rolls eyes as well*

So, she loves to listen to me talk about all the crazy dumb things I’m cooking up in my brain. She knows I have an unlocked iPhone and that I did all the unlocking. So I told her how I needed to save $300 so I could buy an MSI Wind on ebay.

She said buy it.
What?!?!?
Buy it! I’m gonna get it for you as a gift.
Woman, are you crazy? I’m not going to click that “buy it now” link.
If you don’t do it, I’m going to do it when you’re not looking anyway.
Uh… okay.

I refused to take her order. That’s not what I was talking about. This is not what I was trying to do. I was not trying to coax her into buying something for me. I thought I’d tell her my crazy little scheme and we’d laugh about what a computer geek I am. And she’d make fun of me, and I’d make fun of her lack of computer knowledge and all would be well.

She didn’t take no for an answer. While I am not an unappreciative person by any means, I still feel a little guilty about it.

Despite my guilt… despite the fact that really, with all the research and all the learning (about how to successfully get OSX running on it) I wasn’t going to buy it. Not for awhile. Not until WELL after school was finished and I had some disposable income. I guess I don’t have to worry about it anymore as I will have one in my hot little hands in about a week.

Guess what I’m doing for Spring Break…

Gotta say though, I will have to find some way to repay her for her kindness. She thinks me doing all this “computer work” for her deserves a gift of that type. I think she’s crazy, but when I’ve got that tiny little notebook in my hands running OSX, I’m going to love her a WHOLE lot.

Overwhelmed

February 11th, 2009 | Tags: , ,

The feeling of being overwhelmed has been around for a fair share of the last few days. I’ve made it a goal to try to get at least a chapter of reading done per day (though I’ve already fallen behind today to write a paper) in hopes of catching up on what has easily become the most ridiculous semester yet.

I realize that a lot of my frustration lies in the fact that I didn’t want to stick around Sac State for another semester and am currently attempting to take 18 units. Which considering the way the last 3 semesters have gone (minus hell class) it shouldn’t have been that bad. Too bad they’re ALL reading intensive classes. We’ll see how well I fare.

While it’s pretty late right this second, I’ve got most of my paper outlined and I’m just wasting a bit of time before getting all of the writing done. It will be done tonight before going to bed. Hopefully. *crosses fingers*

I mentioned on Plurk (and other social networking sites) how I needed to use my blogs more. Actually blog. I’ve gotten so used to the interaction of how Plurk works that I forget entirely the actual act of writing something other than a single sentence or two. The hope is that once I’ve caught up on all of reading, I can a) go out and socialize for more than an hour or two and b) I might be able to concentrate on doing some writing.Though at this point, crochet and knitting have been postponed as well. Which is even more sad since I joined Woolgirl‘s Sock Club and should be expecting the first shipment in upcoming weeks (about 3-ish).

*heavy sigh* And now I shall go back to the paper writing. Wish me luck.

Last paper… status: finished!

December 18th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

What should have been a pretty easy paper to write turned into something much more difficult. In the end I was pretty content with what I wrote, reaching just a little more than the minimum. I’m hoping I incorporated enough of the concepts from class to make it seem semi-coherent as well as making the “autobiography” portion of it somewhat interesting.

I’ve been working on customizing things on the iPhone… again. I also think I need to work on some plurk themes in order to make myself feel better. At least edit some of the already created ones so that they’re more… functional. It seems that people are so caught up in incorporating SO much anymore that they forget about aesthetics. Simple = good.

I want to purchase another domain, like I really need another one. I have a hard time keeping up with this one, let alone the writing one (since I basically do very little writing anymore) that I truly have NO need for another domain. And yet I sit here contemplating another one. I’ll likely not get it, if there’s any chance of me reobtaining the one that’s currently in limbo.

I want and need to create some new playlists… life just doesn’t seem worth living without some kind of playlist, right? And I’m always looking for new music. Any genre (though very little country). If you’re reading, please make a musical suggestion. I’ll love you for suggesting, and I’ll love you forever if I adore the music you offered up on the table.

Tomorrow is the last and final bit of this semester and I’m definitely ready for it to be over. 2 finals. A trip to the bar with classmates and work tomorrow and I’ll be on vacation. A long, much needed, vacation. Friday 4:30 can’t come soon enough!

The Pondering of a lost mind

December 16th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I’ve recently upgraded to the newest WordPress. I was a little scared given the disaster from the last time I upgraded… but thus far everything is working smoothly. This new dashboard will take some getting used to, no doubt. I suppose as wtih everything, it will only be a matter of time.

I am currently procrastinating and refusing to work on a paper that I know I definitely need to do. Distraction and procrastination are very easy. The actual writing… not so much. I suppose it wouldn’t be nearly as bad if it weren’t something so obscenely personal.

I keep hoping that I’m going to write more often, but I have this feeling that it’s not likely. I lost my “writer” domain. Not sure how that happened, but the registrar wants a ridiculous amount of money for me (the owner) to get it back, beyond just the domain fee. I’ll try to see if I can’t snag it once it’s available, but if I lose it, then, well, it’s lost. I suppose I could just find another… something that speaks to me in a similar way. I’m not sure though. I had the two domains because this one was my “online persona” for so long. And the new one was me now. I’m saddened, but I’m trying not to let it affect me to the point of tears. It’s an intangible thing, y’know, when all is said and done. It’s just a silly little webplace. Nothing super important. Maybe before working on this paper, I can look for a new one… maybe.

And now that at least an hour has passed and I’ve accomplished all of nothing for this paper, I think it’s time to close all windows and get to it. *sigh* I had such high hopes for this blog entry too. Ah well. Off tow ork I go!

Perceptual changes

December 9th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

My first semester of University was an interesting one. That strange feeling in the pit of my stomach as I ventured onto an unknown campus. No, I didn’t tour the campus before deciding on a school. It was literally the flip of a coin. I had two choices and only enough funds to apply for one. I picked one, got in, and the rest is history. That first semester I made two friends. Steve and Cindi. We met in our History of Rock class. I had the handful of people I spoke to, but mostly I stuck to myself. None of the friendships from that first semester became anything. Except with Mike (who obviously became my boyfriend after the second semester).

There’s a certain perception of people when you’re in class. I know that I have put myself into significant amounts of debt in order to be in school. Not everyone is in my boat. This is just part of the course of life. I had to struggle to get there. I had to deal with many ups, but mostly downs. I’ve had help from strangers, and help from friends. My father has helped me in more ways than I could ever count. So when I’m sitting in class, I’m there for a purpose… to learn. I’m not there to listen to the two stupid blonde girls chattering away as though they were at a baseball game (the one’s I’ve often shushed). I’m not there to listen to people whisper loudly in the middle of something a professor has just announced will be on a test/exam.I’m there to listen, and learn. Most… however… don’t understand this.

This semester has broken many molds. There are those who I wrote off as retarded, insignificant, annoying and any other negative term I could possibly imagine. And I’ve become friends with many of them. This Psychology 101 class has brought a group of people together that would not otherwise have been friends. I know this for a fact. We vary so much in age. We vary in background, previous education that led us to being in this class… but mostly, the proximity of our lab has yielded me some of the best friends I’m likely to make while in college.

The big plan next thursday after class… we’re all getting drinks. Together. As a whole unit. Because we endured. We made it through, by the skin of our teeth, but we made it through. All the tears, the sweat, the frustration and the annoyances will bring us to the same place. People I would never have sat with in a bar, I will sit with. We will all toast to the end and the finality of the semester. The hell we’ve all endured will be over. We became a family, that small group of us. We had a common bond, but it was more than that. It was the intimacy. The humor. The laughter we shared.

There is no better feeling in the world, than to find friends in people who previously annoyed the living shit out of you. I am one who LOVES and relishes in the fact that I can be wrong. And I was.

I will miss all of these people greatly… but come Thursday… we’re getting drunk!

Strange place in life

December 8th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I’ve been in this weird limbo state lately. There are moments when I miss the boy, but it’s not any one thing in particular. It’s the friendship and companionship that I think I miss the most. There was a good dynamic between the two of us, despite the obvious lack of relationship chemistry.

I had a dream about another ex. Doesn’t really matter who. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. My cat was peeing on his carpet and he didn’t seem to care. I went to get her and stop her, but realized there was no litter box for her (for some reason). She wandered into another room and I woke up.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago about a professor. Male. It was really weird. I don’t even know if I can recall all of it, but it was almost sexual, but not really. Very strange. Very weird. Left me wondering if I was disturbed in the head or something.

I’ve been a bit of a fangirl lately, though I’m not quite sure I’m ready to admit what it is I’m been fangirl-ing it about. I know the irrationality of it. I know that it’s for some underlying reason that I have yet to understand even myself. It’s some sick indulgence that serves no purpose whatsoever. And yet, I’ve watched the same movie about 3 times a night for the last week. Same. Movie. It’s rather pathetic. Mostly it’s background noise, but this mini-fangirl moment is melding through into my phone. I think really, it’s regression in it’s worst form. Though I am NOT qualified to diagnose anyone, let alone myself, that’s really what I think it is. It’s like going back in time, and reliving those parts of my childhood I felt I had little control over.

This realization doesn’t make it any better, or less pathetic. It just makes me a weirder fangirl. *sigh*

I’m looking forward to my Charlie Brown Xmas with Jenjen. It should be a good week. I get that week off (thank goodness) and it’s the first week after the worst semester of school ends.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a pass across all classes this semester. The anxiety and the stress and the bouts of severe depression has taken it’s toll. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get through by the skin of my teeth. Barely but enough. That’s all I care about. Barely, but enough.

In need

September 26th, 2008 | Tags: ,

There is definitely something to be said about the ridiculous amount of money that I spend in tuition at school. Mostly that I get some medical care for free as part of that cost. The second is that they offer some psychological help when needed.

Today I ditched most of my classes to go talk to someone. It takes a lot to admit that you’re losing control. It takes a lot to know that only someone else can tell you how to regain some of that control.

So today, I sought help.

We’ll see how it turns out, but for now… I’m going to have to trudge through and hope that on those bad days, no one I care about or love is in the way. Because it seems that little voice in your head that talks you down from yelling at neighbor kids, or screaming obscenities at someone can be diminished. Stress, lack of sleep, exhaustion and frusration can make that little voice dormant.

I haven’t been a pleasant person to be around the last few weeks. I don’t like it.

What I want to do…

September 18th, 2008 | Tags: ,

What I’d like to be doing right now is enjoying the new episode of House that I still haven’t seen. What I would like to be doing is sleeping, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen. And on top of that, I’d like to sleep and NOT have to wake up in the morning and go to work, while enjoying the episode of House I still haven’t seen.

That’s just not going to happen, so I’ll stop complaining.

Let’s talk about school for a minute though. Let’s talk about how much of a work load I’ve got and I’m attempting to stay ahead of the game, and while I’m not behind, I’m not caught up or on par either. It’s driving me absolutely batty, but I know that if I don’t at least try for all A’s, then my chances of bringing my GPA up high enough to even be considered for grad school are out the window.

I’m going to have to figure out this whole money situation as well. I’m not hurting, not yet. I’m working on trying to maintain this positive attitude with regard to getting stuff paid off, and all this other nonsense. I mean. I’m slightly ahead of the game right now, but it’s still kind of disheartening to see how little money I have stashed into savings for the remainder of the semester. I just have to remember that I do get another check for financial aid as the semester progresses, so I’m not completely screwed. Not completely.

The world as I know it has ceased to be. My boyfriend (with whom I’m quite happy with) has ceased to actually be a boyfriend since school has started. We maintain this distance while we’re at school, which is actually okay… but this distance has overflowed into the weekend… and I’m starting to miss my actual boyfriend, rather than my classmate (whom I get to see often). It’s very hard to explain without it coming across as rather childish and, well, high school-y. But I promise it makes perfect sense in my head.

My favorite class of the semester is definitely American Sign Language 1. Somewhere inside of me, this class has awoken this weird desire. I mean, I actually love the class. I haven’t loved any class in a long time. It’s not because it’s easy, or unchallenging. It’s just so unbelievably different, and I feel as though I’m accomplishing something.

All the psych classes make me feel like I’m relearning all the same shit. Over, and over, and over, and over again… ad nauseum. It’s really sad. I’ve heard multiple concepts be introduced in class, and I can’t keep track of which instructor/professor was the first one to talk about it… It’s like they’ve all gathered together just to confuse the shit out of me.

I’m on sensory overload. My class load is too much, I realize this now. But my determination to not be at Sac State for a 5th semester is keeping me going. I’m just tired. Tired all the time.

I’ve forgotten to write. Because almost all of my waking free time is spent with some stupid text book in front of my face. This weekend? I have 3 papers to write. Nothing big… none of them so intense that I couldn’t do them all in a single day. Each of them so entirely different from the others that I might just have to take an hour break in between to prepare my brain for the shifting of gears.

How the HELL am I going to do next semester with 18 units, when I can hardly function this semester with 16. *sigh* No clue. I’ll figure it all out though. Eventually.

For now, I’m heading to bed… somewhat earlier than normal.

P.S. My now fixed cat, after being depressed for 5-6 days is finally acting normal again (thank goodness). Her little doped up face made me cry, on a number of occasions as I felt the effects of my selfishness and inability to deal with her in heat… and it took it’s toll. I’ve always had fixed animals, and I don’t know if I can handle going through that again. She’s eating well again, and has gained some weight back. She’s jumping playing and acting normal. Yay. I missed my love muffin. ha!

Thankfully, skoo is killing me!

September 11th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

So, basically here’s the deal. If you saw some weird page, for the two of you who come here to read, I’m sorry. When I log into the WP admin control panel thingie, I get this “UPGRADE NOW” message. I upgraded via Dreamhost, as I always do, and suddenly, everything is gone. It’s a completely new install. WTFF! (What the flying fuck, for those not in the know). I mean, here’s the automatically generated password for the first admin login, and what do you want to call the blog you’ve had for the last 7 months, but are now redoing because something got fucked up.

Yeah, I prayed and HOPED that Dreamhost could fix my epic failure attempt at upgrading.

So as I look and see this pink line across the top of my screen I want to flip it off and yell “FUCK YOU SQUIRREL!” to the Upgrade message. I’m terrified to do it again. TERRIFIED. Can I stress this a little bit more… I mean, unbelivably, unequivacably scared out of my fuckin’ mind of losing my blog… again. It’s not that I have all these great entries. Or that I have the most amazing layout known to man. But it’s mine and I want it.

So I’m SUPER happy that Dreamhost was able to fix it. And I’m super happy that I was so busy for the last couple of week that I hadn’t updated, there were no new comments or anything of the sort, because it gave that poor guy who got my email a chance to pull up a working back up and fix what the wordpress upgrade screwed up.

Wanna know what’s funny? I went to WP, to see if other people had issues. I wasn’t the only one. It may not have gone the same, but people were losing the ability to login with their admin passwords, and things just weren’t right. Fuck that stupid pink bar, I’ll leave it there until the next one comes out.

BTW, my favorite class is EDS 151 – American Sign Language 1. My least favorite class is everything else.

“The Talk”

August 19th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.