Right now

July 8th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I need some inspiration.

What I really want to do is have the boy in the same room with me… we don’t have to DO anything together, I just want the comfort of knowing he’s here. I won’t have that for at best, a few more days.

I have stories needing to be written, and I keep avoiding the pen and paper (or computer).

I have bills that I simply can’t pay right now, and I hope they don’t shut anything off until I get my “bill” paycheck rather than my “rent” paycheck.

I really needs a pick-me-up of some kind… as I feel somewhat lost and floundering without something to do.

I am horrifically hungry all the time, and I hope all the weight I worked so hard to lose doesn’t come back.

I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 5 weeks, and the desire to have one gets less and less. Actually when I’m at Starbucks with my friends, I almost want to bitch at them because the smell bothers me so much.

I need to journal some of my recent experiences.

And I need to start carrying my camera again (or at least upload all the photos I did take into flickr).

Hard to admit

May 12th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

As time goes on, I come to many realizations with regard to the boy. I realize that he has been right all along. I am smarter than he is. I am more intelligent than he is. Not only that, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve experienced more in life. I’ve learned more from life. And I’ve accepted my role in this world far better than he has.

I’m not saying that we’re destined to be together. Nor am I saying that there’s some magical fix for my desire to have him, as my own, and not to let anyone else have him. There will come a day when I just know, and it will pass over me, or through me. But it will pass, somehow.

He makes assumptions of me, that I don’t think he needs to make. I don’t think he has a right to make. I don’t even think he realizes exactly what he does. I just finished watching Juno and it wasn’t the context of the movie that reached out and made me think of these things regarding the boy, it was the movie itself. Sitting there, remembering when I first introduced him to Donnie Darko, and how surprised he was by the movie. He enjoyed it immensely, and while I’m glad that he did, it was the reasons why he didn’t watch the movie prior to my wanting him to see it that bugs me about him.

He wasn’t willing to give the movie a shot because it “looked stupid.” Because the people he associates with had never seen it. I allow myself to read books I wouldn’t otherwise. I allow myself to enjoy movies that aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I’m open-minded. I often find those movies and books that aren’t mainstream, the sneakers if you will, are the ones that… change my view on life.

While I hope daily that I’ll be one step closer to just letting this one go, I know that it’s always easier said than done. That despite our differences, we really clicked on a different level. We’re polar opposites, and yet, it could have worked. It could have worked brilliantly, despite those differences. And while I understand that he went through a lot, I know that I was willing to stand beside him through all of it. Only, he didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me. I just have to learn to accept that. And admit that it just wasn’t meant to be.

This will be us one day…

Words of Wisdom

March 24th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

There’s a certain point in life, when everything changes. When the whole world seems to flip over on end, and then somehow it rights itself. Then everything that once didn’t make sense, suddenly seems to make sense. Usually in my life, this trigger is an event. Something happens to me. Someone leaves. Someone enters. Something changes, and I reflect on the lesson I needed or at least should have learned.

This time it’s different. This time it’s not because of him that I’m doing this massive overhaul of… well, myself. He’s definitely a part of it. He’s the catalyst. But it’s not because he’s leaving. It’s not because he’s entering. It’s because he is who he is, and he holds nothing back when he’s curious to know me. He asks questions that people don’t tend to ask, and I answer them willingly. He probes and prods and I let him, because there’s this deeper connection that the two of us seem to share. It makes no sense. I can’t make sense of it, no matter how hard I try. No matter how many people I talk to, I just can’t seem to understand what he is, and what’s he’s given me. I doubt that I’ll ever find the words.

I’m not sure the measure of our current relationship. I don’t know what title we hold, if any. I don’t know where we stand in the grand scheme of things, and it’s okay. We’re trying to take it slow. We’re trying to make sure that there are no huge surprises. We’re being honest with each other, and enjoy each other’s company in the meantime. Despite the amount of time I do get to spend with him, it never seems to be enough. I never have enough time to talk to him. I never have enough time to answer all of his questions. We can spend hours on the phone, talking. Or hours on the yahoo, chatting. And there never seems to be enough time. I can’t get enough of him, in more ways than just the physical. I just want to be near him, touch him, talk to him, hear him all the time. It seems pathetic, to feel this strongly for a person that, in reality, I hardly know.

He’s opened my eyes, to aspects of my past, that I didn’t realize were truths. That’s not to say that I would never have realized them. I might have. He’s just made me face some things. Particularly with regard to my past relationships.

He compliments me, constantly. If it were anyone else I might ask them to stop, because it seems over-the-top. Sometimes even excessive. He tells me that I’m intelligent, beyond my years. Beyond most people. He is of the opinion that I’m more intelligent than he is. Than most. He is also in the habit of telling me how beautiful I am. Pointing out parts of my physical body that he adores. He tells me that I have this intense energy and focus, almost all the time. That when I set my mind to something, I stop at nothing until I have, or achieve, whatever it is. Really, he’s telling me nothing I haven’t heard before, from various people, over the years, again and again. He asked, “Why is it different when I say them?” At first I could only say, “I don’t think I know.” As I stared into the mostly empty field next to my apartment, the answer came to me. I fought the tears as I realized exactly why his compliments are different than everyone else’s.

No one wants to believe they were insignificant. No one wants to admit that they meant little to the person they spent so much time with, or even lived with. No one wants to face the fact that maybe… just maybe… you were temporary. The great epiphany involved my realizing that in all of my past relationships, even the would-be relationships, I was merely an escape. I was their adventure. I was this different, unique, interesting girl who came along and caused a whirlwind of emotion. I was crazy, zany, intense, weird… different. I was never the long-term girl. I was never meant to be with any of them forever.

The difference with him… and why his words touch me so much more… is that I’m not his escape, nor am I his adventure.

Of course I don’t want to lose him. Not now. Not that I’ve finally found him.

It was a night full of realizations. It was a night of self-discovery. Prompting a need and a desire to spend some time alone, with a notebook, with my computer, with some ability to write… because I have some soul searching to do. I have some truths to discovery for myself. Later in the night, I told him that in the short time we’ve known each other he has taken the opportunity to get to know me better than my ex ever did, in three years. I explained that it was a foreign experience for me and I’m not used to it.

“Just because you’re not used to it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.”

What could I do at this point, but cry. Nothing. So I cried.

And now… I search my soul for the answers… and hope that I never lose this boy… he’s changed my life for the better…

Handsome Boy

March 24th, 2008 | Tags: ,

How is it that I’ve spent so many years, clinging onto this hope that I wasn’t meant to be alone forever. I mean, in high school I just knew that I’d be alone. The majority of my life’s journey was going to be a solo venture. I accepted that fate long ago. It’s just that every time I turn around, I see the happiness that a relationship brings. I see the joy, and the comfort of a family. While I understand my role in life is different, and I’m not destined for the mundane, I can’t help but wish that there was a piece of that pie waiting for me.

This boy, this wonderful boy, has come along and disrupted the whole equilibrium of my life.

I spent months being bitter and pissed off at my ex. He was the cause for such loss. He was the cause of such hurt. And yet, he wasn’t. I started to blame myself. Who the hell was I fooling?!? I was to blame for the failure of things. I was the blame for being dumb enough to go back (again and again). I deserved what I got because I was the one who chose to not see what was going on in front of me.

Last night, I spent hours upon hours talking to this person. He always has a way of opening me up somehow. He asks interesting questions, and I have nothing to hide, from him or anyone else. And so I answer. The inner voice wants to woo him with my words. For him to see my brilliance in all the things that I say, in all the stories that I tell. Which will in turn, make him fall madly in love with me and never want me to leave his life. I realize the foolishness of this, but that child who grew up on fairy tales and happy endings can’t help but dream about it too.

And so… he brought to the forefront a plethora of issues and concerns going on in my life. Things that weren’t necessarily holding me back. Never something that was keeping me from attempting to achieve (and eventually succeeding in getting) my dream. But I have to stop. And I have to think. And I have to wonder how this guy, this man, my boy… with whom I’ve only really known for a matter of months can see me. Not just the surface me you show to everyone. Not just the funny quips, and the interesting stories, and colored hair… but deeper than that. How did he see the little girl crying? How did he know what to ask?

How can we have only really known each other a matter of a couple of months, and he know more about me than my ex ever did in nearly 3 years?

I don’t know, but I’ll always love him for it. He’ll always be someone important in my life.