It’s been awhile

October 8th, 2008 | Tags: , , , ,

I haven’t written in awhile, and I feel the effects of carrying a load inside of my own head. I want to bitch about things, and yet, I never can seem to get all of it out. People keep interrupting me. People keep asking me other questions, throwing me for loops and taking me on the tangent ride. It’s quite frustrating. Even my own boyfriend is starting to drive me insane.

And really that’s what this bitch session is gonna be about. He is the reason why I need a moment away from the world, just me and my words, because he’s absolutely driving me to the point of wishing I were single again. Actually, I woke up the other day thinking I might be better off without a boyfriend… though I know how irrational people can be when they first get up in the morning, so I sluffed that idea off.

He is absolutely not the horrible bastard i sometimes make him out to be in my mind, I realize this. But there are times when he needs to take a fuckin’ step back and treat me like a girl. The intimate part of our relationship has gone stagnant, to the point that it feels as though we’re an old married couple who don’t live together. Everything seems to cause such a strain and a chore. He never wants to go do things with my friends, but I have to endure the unending string of “bachelor-hood” and his roommates when I go to his place. He invites people along on our “dates” which apparently he didn’t see as a date or he wouldn’t have invited people along!

The stress and strain of school is wearing on me. It feels as though he’s leaning very heavily on me to help keep him afloat, or that it’s my job to make things understandable for him. He often looks at what I did, and how I did it, getting frustrated and annoyed when he doesn’t understand the answer I give him.

I have heard multiple times during the last week “I just need a beer.” Which isn’t so bad. It’s the “I bought a bottle of wine and was only going to have a glass, but ended up having the whole bottle” part that bothers me. He complains about his “drunk” roommates, but he doesn’t seem to be faring all that well himself. For all of life’s bumps, it’s beer that seems to fix it all!!

We all have our crutches, sure. But when he gets drunk, after he’s been drinking for a bit, he turns into the biggest most condescending asshole imaginable! I just don’t understand how his mind works when he’s gotten a bit of alcohol in his system. I’m fun, and happy when I’m drunk. I don’t understand this “I need to destroy all the good things in my life by starting shit” mentality when drunk.

My friend’s don’t use alcohol as a means to cope with life. They don’t use drugs either. I have a hard time being okay with the fact that he not only drinks far too much for his own good, but has not one, but TWO pipes for weed sitting on his bedside table. Mind you, I don’t have personal issues with pot when it’s just recreational, or occasional. But I know when he’s around his roommates, it’s just “what we do.” Yeah, that’s not okay with me. I didn’t sign up for the drunken pot-head to be my boyfriend either.

Oh, and his new thing is to make plans on weekends he’s supposed to come up to see me. Or invite me along, knowing I am going to be the one to fare the gas/driving bill. He doesn’t offer to give me gas money to go along on event A if I drive to him. Oh no. He also doesn’t offer to come get me and take me to event A either, knowing he gets almost 20 miles/gallon more than I do in the car. Nope. Whatever.

And now there are these other little details, which he must have believed were minute, but they’re eating away at me, bugging the shit out of me. He had this female friend, which apparently had this HUGE crush on him… which inevitably becomes part of the reason why they are no longer friends. But I found out she is the only other person to be a passenger on his motorcycle. Before me. She tried to sleep with him too… did she succeed? I mean we weren’t together, but that’s a kink in the works I’m not willing to let go too lightly.

His inability to make a decision, about anything, is starting to bug me too. He has ideas for the direction of his life, but no plans. No goals. Just point A and point B, but no actually means of getting there… and these are not the kinds of things where geometry fixes the equation. There MUST be a plan of some kind. But while I’m trying to stay on the straight path between my point A and my point B, he’s wandering around all over the place… including me in his ridiculous plans to move here, or move there, or apply for this crazy expensive school (like a dumb ass)… whatever is his current whim… that’s the “goal” or “plan” of the moment. Well, I’m not playing that game. I’m sticking to my plan. If he wants to be a part of it, he can. Otherwise, I’m leaving his ass behind.

Which leads me to my last and final point… if I’m so willing to just leave him behind that easily, why bother at all? What is the point of this relationship which is good most of the time, but when I’m not happy and things aren’t good it’s rather catastrophic and my mind goes straight to… I want nothing to do with him.

He senses, at times, when things are wrong. Suddenly he tells me again and again how much he loves me, how awesome I am, how he’s so luck to have me as a girlfriend, and on and on. It’s all sweet. It really is. But over done and over played. It doesn’t weigh as much with me anymore. I just think he wants to smooth over the surface, and pat me on the head until the water calms again.

I wish it worked that way, hun, I wish it did.

An Amazing Birthday

August 28th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

So the boy bought me this wonderful stash of candy goodness… avoiding chocolate (and while I love chocolate like the next guy, he knows I’m much more a sugar person having a strange affinity for gummy candies especially). He also bought me this insane stash of book. Not just any books. But books he’s seen me wander around the bookstore with, desperately wanting to buy, but always putting it back because it’s just out of my price range for the minute.

He also got me this framed watercolor painting that his roommate did. He remembered the first time I saw all of Garnier’s paintings, how much I said I loved this one in particular. So he bought it for me. It’s being hung immediately when I get home. That to me, beyond the books and candy, means a whole lot. A whole lot.

I’ve quite thoroughly enjoyed having internet and being able to use my blazing fast computer again. How much I’ve missed having internet at home. That will definitely be one of the FIRST things I reestablish the second I get some money. The first.

There are some new pictures on Flickr. If I weren’t in a hurry, I’d add them to the post. Maybe later. 😉

Texting… gone sappy!

August 21st, 2008 | Tags: , ,

Me to The Boy
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 4:52pm
“Baby. Baby. Baby. *pokes you in the arm* Baby. Baby. *tries to annoy you* Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. *kisses you on the cheek and runs off*

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 20th, 2008 @ 5:49pm
“You’re so cute. I’ll call you soon”

The Boy to Me
Sent: August 21, 2008 @ 4:06am
“Baby! (Pokes you in the shoulder) I hate to wake you (gives you a little wink) I wanted to tell you something (smile)… I just Love the shit out of you. :)”

Seriously… So damn cute. I got that last one when I woke up in the morning. *sigh*

Happy

August 20th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

I spent a pretty decent amount of time after getting home looking over some old OpenDiary entries. I read through a lot of them, as they were from 2001. It was a difficult year for me, filled with love, pain, loss of my job, disappointment, desperation and a plethora of other emotions I can’t even begin to convey in words.

While I read it seemed like I was reading a story someone wrote and told me it was my life. I guess that’s the point of journaling, for that opportunity later in life, when you’re not even remotely the same person anymore, when you can look back and read it all and laugh at yourself (and others of course!).

As I read through some of the relationship-y bits, it made me that much more appreciative for the way things have been going with the boy. I’m so very happy because of him, and with him. We all have bad days… sure. But he makes so many of them better by simply being… him.

“The Talk”

August 19th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

Often, the boy makes comments about being roommates with Garnier later on in life, after the lease on the current place is up. Once they’ve both been fed up with Big Red (the 3rd roommate) and decide they’re going elsewhere. Garnier is considered a “rich kid” by every means of the word. He’s so used to living well, spending money like crazy, that he often forgets that he no longer lives at home, and his mom is NOT there to pick up after him. At some point, in casual conversation with the boy, he mentioned how Garnier’s parents were actually thinking of purchasing a house for him. Who does that?? Whatever.

So I guess when the topic of this parent-purchased home came up between Garnier and the boy, the boy said, hey, if you want a roommate to help with expenses or anything, you can always hit me up. My heart sank a little bit, because I was hoping that things between us, later on down the road of course, would mean that WE could be living together… without other people.

*Insert Sad Panda*

But I know even thinking about it could mean potential disaster. I don’t want to push us any further into serious than we’re both ready for. I think about it, however, because we both are getting older, and we’ve both made our mistakes… and I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m wondering if I ever want to have kids.

Last night, via text message, we had an interested conversation regarding this very subject. He’s been actively looking into which colleges to consider for a Master’s program. I did some work, but knew that it wasn’t something I needed to stress myself about right now.

Although I did make up my mind. The second I’ve graduated, the search for a new job will ensue. And the packing will also begin. And I’m moving. I’m not going to stay in his hellhole anymore. I’m not going to commute to this horrid job anymore. I’m going to get the hell away from all of the things that make me miserable in life.

So he started looking into Chico State. He started looking into housing costs in the Chico area. He said I’d need a roommate, but that the cost was significantly less than in the Humbolt area. I told him I hate roommates, and there was probably one person I’d consider living with. He said, “I thought about that too. We’ll need to sit down and talk about that at some point.”

I guess I couldn’t imagine that he would think about those things. Why? I don’t know. I just think I’m one of those irrational girls who think that each guy she falls in love with will be her “knight” and everything will go perfectly. I know better, which is why I haven’t made any rash decisions regarding our current living situation. I did tell him that I didn’t want to be so far from him all the time. He seemed to agree with me.

We’re also working on figuring out our “anniversary” date. We don’t really have one right now. It’s all so very weird to me, to not have A date to use or reference. So, this weekend we might figure that out. Ahh… to be in love again… in a sappy cheesy weird sorta way, it really is the best thing ever.

The mind of a girl

August 18th, 2008 | Tags: , , ,

I spend entirely too much time contemplating what makes people do the things that they do. This weekend inevitably ended up being the perfect example of why some women give other women a bad name. I’ll explain.

After a handful of trying and otherwise relationship-taxing weekend, this weekend was meant for me and the boy… mostly alone, but mostly to just enjoy the fact that just because we have a title doesn’t mean we can’t go out on… *gasp* dates! The original plan was to spend the night in San Francisco, taking him to some of my favorite places (Japan Center, Fisherman’s Wharf, possibly Chinatown, and I was told about this pizza place on Haight). He wanted to get away. I wanted us to get away there. I love the city. I love big cities. I miss Los Angeles more than anyone would ever be able to know, or comprehend. So being in San Francisco is like having a little bit of my small town, with a whole lot of my big city, and sharing that part of my life with the person I love is an amazing experience. I haven’t had much of it since I’ve moved back here. There were also a lot of San Francisco trips with friends while me and the boy were first talking.

We went to see Pineapple Express on Friday night with one of his roommates and mate. It was a pretty funny movie. But as with all movies of that kind, it’s much funnier the first half when there’s very little point or plot. Trying to tie together all the elements makes for a shoddy and unfunny second half. The boy paid, which is fine. I don’t have a crazy feminist inside who says he can’t pay for a movie, but knowing that he’s not working makes me feel bad when he does things like that.

Saturday morning we went out to breakfast. It was on the way back to his place that he thought going to San Francisco might not be a good idea. I was so excited to go. I had my heart set on it, so I suggested we just go, but not stay the night. Make it a day trip instead.

Someone forgot to inform us that it was going to be FREEZING in the middle of the summer in the bay area. We had clam chowder in a bread bowl. We walked around and took cute pictures (which I will post as soon as I can).

It was Saturday night that the fun begins, and will be the main focus. Continue reading »

Oh, the joy of long weekends!

July 7th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

See, there’s a funny thing about having a semi-long distance relationship with someone. And I’ve blogged about it before. We never get to go through the obsessive phase where we ditch all of our friends and spend every waking minute we possibly can together. Everything we do has to be planned because there’s an hour drive to see the other. There are a few benefits to him coming to see me, the largest of them being that it costs him a ridiculous amount of money less in gas (and we get to go around town on his motorcycle instead, woo!). But we also get privacy (well, besides the cat who loves him, that little pain in my ass!), where we get some, but he has two roommates.

Thursday I wanted to leave work early, get a head start on my weekend. I knew I was going to spend the majority of it with the boy, and that made me giddy like a kid. On the way home, I stopped by the fruit stand and picked up a few pounds of peaches. They’re the boy’s favorite fruit.

We texted once I got home, and while I was tempted to use the peaches as a means to lure him to my place half a day earlier, I figured it might be a cheap ploy. So when he thought of coming up Thursday night instead of Friday, I was thrilled.

Continue reading »

The 4th

July 4th, 2008 | Tags: ,

I have a sleeping boy in my bed right now, and it’s very cute. I attempted to sneak out to try to snag the camera because the way he was lying was SO damn cute, I needed that sleepy faced picture. *sigh* Alas, when I had camera in hand, he had turned and moved. Damn.

Happy 4th of July for everyone in the states. I realize that a lot of people will be doing nothing but enjoying the extra day of the weekend, and others will find some barbeque to head off to, or some fireworks show to see tonight. I get to spend it with the boy, as well as tonight, tomorrow and tomorrow night. This will be roughly 3 days together, in a row. A record for us.

And I’m going to enjoy every. single. minute of it.

Reactions

June 20th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

When someone is feeling down, or even depressed, I’m never entirely sure how to react. Sometimes what they want is just someone to listen to them bitch. Other times (and these seem to crop up equally as often as the bitch-fest sessions) they want advice as though I’m a therapist.

I also don’t often get to see the boy for more than a day and a half at a time. It just so happens that the distance, gas prices and the ever poorness of a student keeps us from being able to go through the “spend every waking minute together” phase. Most of the time this is okay, but sometimes… sometimes this is very trying. So when the boy offered to drive up to come see me after I had spend the previous day with him, I was very excited. That’s nearly 2 days together (with a work “break” in between)! This was truly a momentous event!

But when he arrived, he was irritated. Angry even. Roommate issues that have been perpetuating over time, and only now does he realize that a lot of those irritations that he’s let slide, are really NOT okay… in anyone’s book. With the introduction of a 3rd person into the household, he’s suddenly starting to realize that roommate #1 takes an awful lot of liberties with other people’s things. Mainly, the boy had his expensive motorcycle riding glasses taken. This did not set the tone for the rest of the night.

I was excited to have him over, but once he had his opportunity to vent, he started getting restless. He wanted to go out. He wanted to go DO something. I was a willing participant, but in this hellhole, there’s not a whole lot available to do in the middle of the week. Instead he got up, made himself some dinner, while I fiddle around with correcting the Elton John songs I downloaded that were mislabeled.

He didn’t sleep well, so when I left this morning for work, I left him there to try to rest some more.

I wish I knew what to do. Or what to say, in situations like that. I guess the only thing I can do is not get upset by the fact that he wasn’t the doting boyfriend he can be, and know that there will often be days just like this. If he can forgive me for my moods (which are often angry ones), I should be able to forget his (which are more depressed).

Despite the warnings

June 16th, 2008 | Tags: ,

My father has a way with words. I love the man, more than I could ever possibly love another human being. He’s done more for me and bailed me out of more stupid situations than I could ever possibly begin to count (let alone document). He’s a great guy and really honest with me too. I love him, but sometimes I think he misses the mark.

While I appreciate his advice regarding the boy, I have a feeling that he doesn’t know completely what’s going on. He listened to me bitch a little bit because I was upset, and all of a sudden I’m dating this co-dependent bastard who just wants someone to be his mom. I mean, I get it. I get what he’s saying. I’ve attached myself to a guy who seems to be too emotionally attached. But really, I can’t fault the guy when I’m the same way?

I’m a little taken aback by his future plans that include me. But none of it is so horrible that we can’t figure out a compromise… somewhere. And I know that I care deeply for the boy because I do flip out when I don’t get to see him more. I hate the fact that I only get to see him once a week, and if I’m lucky he’ll stay the night (or I’ll get to stay the night with him). Most of the time, we get to chat online or talk on the phone. It’s not super long distance, but it’s long distance enough to still suck.

I have my moments of weakness. When I think to myself that this was all just a bad idea. That getting into a relationship was a bad idea. That getting involved with him again was a bad idea. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my desire to see that things could be better… that things could be good. They can be. There’s a very large potential for it to be something really great. And I’ll admit something else too. I’m not opening up to him nearly as much as I would like. Is it bitterness from relationships past? Is it reluctance because of how things went the last time we tried to date? I’m not completely sure. All I know is that I’m going for it now.

And the conversation we had last night about what happened was a good one.