He doesn’t realize

June 15th, 2008 | Tags: ,

He has no idea how much it took for me to ask him to stay. He has no idea how hard it was for me to ask him not to go. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much it took for me to ask that of him and when he turned and left anyway… he’ll never know that I won’t ever ask him to stay again. Not under circumstances that are even remotely similar. It won’t matter, it seems. It can’t be worked through. It can’t be fixed. He’s still going to turn and leave.

So I just won’t ask him to stay.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And when I heard a motorcycle in the silence of the night, but loud enough for me to hear, I hoped it was him coming back. It wasn’t, and a little part of me is disappointed by my hope of romanticism that isn’t there… and might never be.

Who’s the pathetic one now?

Hard to believe

June 8th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

It’s strange to me, at times, to think that this boy is the same boy who wrote such things to me. He doesn’t seem to remember those days, as though they were just a figment of his imagination, and they’ve gone away. Or he woke from a dream, and as time passed, he simply forgot the details. Only they weren’t just details. I will always remember them. And a small part of me will always wonder, and often fear, to see or hear those words again.

I wish that I didn’t care for him so much. He’s no longer this boy who seemed so unattainable, not like he once was. He’s very real to me now. I see this different side of him that he wouldn’t let me see before. I’m not sure why, but he’s this real and tangible person whom I adore. I know that we can’t choose whom our hearts have decided to love… and I realize now, after the conversations I’ve had with the ex, as well as with the boy, that this is entirely true. The details don’t matter with either case, but the fact remains… it’s oh so true.

We had the most amazing weekend. Really, we did. But this one was different from last weekend. We talk, daily. As most people who are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend do. We just don’t get to see each other very often. It isn’t feasible for either of us to drive the nearly 50 miles for just a few hours. As much as I would love to, I simply can’t afford the gas. He rode his motorcycle to pick me up, I packed a few things, and went back to his place with him. We watched some UFC fights at the bar and I had fun. It was more fun that I would have thought. 5 of us also had shots, in two different time zones, in two states. And as stupid and cheesy as that sounds, it was the coolest thing ever. Ha! It’s a story I’ll tell people years from now, while sitting at a bar, laughing about those funny things we’ve done in life.

After UFC, I learned something about the boy that I didn’t really expect to find out. It’s something that I believed only the ex ever did. It was something I believed I would never find in another person, ever again. While it’s deeply personal, and even a little bit strange, I’m half tempted to share it anyway, despite the fact that most would be grossed out by it. It doesn’t matter, not really. The details don’t matter. What matters is that it didn’t bother him.

For the first time in my life, someone looked at me, mostly naked, and told me that most guys only get to think about having sex with the beautiful girl… and he was lucky that he got to. There are no words to describe how that makes anyone feel… ever. It can’t ever be recreated, not that moment. It will also be one of those moments I’ll always remember.

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This curve ball

June 3rd, 2008 | Tags: , ,

Every time I turn around, life seems to throw me another curve ball. At times I can roll with the punches and weather things fairly well. Other times it takes its toll on me and I feel drained. I took the leap with the boy. I mean, what could I lose, right? Except my sanity. And possibly my heart… again. I guess it’s worth the risk, right? My fear… to be honest… is that things go well. And my dream to move out of California will be put on hold. Or he will follow me as a whim, and be miserable, because it wasn’t what he wanted to do… or where he wanted to go.

All things in life worth having involve some sort of risk though. I have a year, to finish up school and apply for grad schools. A year to see how this all works out. A year to decide if I’m going to stay in California for another few years to finish up my graduate degree, or leave immediately after finishing the bachelor’s. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can happen in a few short months. Of course I wish and hope that things will work out well with the boy. I really do care about him tremendously. I do love him. It’s just that I’ve spent far too much of my life, making adjustments for everyone else. This is my time to do it for me. I dread to find out that we really are perfect for each other, and I get accepted to my number one school for grad school… and I’ll either have to leave him behind… go where he wants to go… or he goes with me. Too many sacrifices to think of. Too many that involve life altering decisions. It’s far too soon to worry about them, but at the same time, I don’t want to pretend that it’s not there… eating away at the back of my mind. I have to think about it. Not thinking about it will only cause me more grief, I think.

I desperately want to write, but can’t find the motivation to be bothered with it. I really need to crochet, but I can’t seem to want to get motivated for that either. Instead, I’ll sit here, needing a shower and being a lazy ass instead. Yup. That sounds like a plan.

*sigh*

Yay for slacker laziness!

Movie Day and the Fat Kid Party

May 31st, 2008 | Tags:

The boy is on his way here and should be here shortly. We will be eating a ridiculous amount of food that is horribly bad for you. We each picked out 3 movies to watch, and I think it’s going to be a whole day event. I can’t wait… And at the same time, I’m a little… freaked out.

I guess we’ll see how this all goes. I hope it goes well.

And I hope I get some In & Out.

I just don’t know

May 26th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

A part of me wishes that I could just hold onto this, and relish in it. Because it’s what I wanted all along. It’s what I was hoping for all along. I wanted him to realize how wonderful I was (*smirk*) and to come running back. I wanted him to know that I would be here for him, despite the fact that at times I really don’t like him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want me back.

For all intents and purposes, that’s what I got. At least that’s my take on the conversations of the last few days.

I try to see if I can get him to talk to me about it, without having to outright ask him what the hell is going on. He’s decided that pet names are his thing again. And not just the broad “baby” he uses when he refers to his female friends. I’m talking about the “sweetie’s” and “sweetie pie’s” that he used to call me when we were first dating.

He wants me to meet his mom. His mom wants to meet me, so he asked if I was okay with that. I guess so. I don’t have any objections to it. I just wonder what he’s been telling her to make her want to meet me. I’m just some girl who came into his life and loved him for a little while during a rough spot.

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Confused

May 25th, 2008 | Tags: ,

(12:32:57 PM) the boy: ahhh. tuesday…..I don’t think we would be where we are if all we were ever going to be was friends

How was I supposed to know…

It could’ve been perfect

May 21st, 2008 | Tags: ,

I screwed off. I slacked the hell off, and my exhaustion caused me to postpone the writing of the take home final in place of sleep. I slept. I woke up early, showered and did all the good morningly stuff, and sat down to write a paper. Albeit a short paper, it still needed to be written. My apathy and lethargy is astounding! No. Really. When I got out of the shower it was just shy of 8 am. I decided to log into WoW instead. Why? I dunno. Cause the idea of writing yet another effing paper made me ill.

So I played about 40 minutes of World of Warcraft instead. Yeah. World of effing Warcraft. Why?

No clue. I have no damn clue why I do this to myself.

So I write a crappy paper, print the damn thing up, and head to school, on schedule. Get to school a little earlier than anticipated, and turn said paper in. I’m going to miss that instructor though, despite the nutso papers I had to write (mostly because I was out of my league… not the normal sort of papers I’ve ever had to write in the past, making it difficult to fake it!).

I get a call from the boy. He’s on campus early, and wanted to hang out some. I wanted food after fasting for 13-ish hours. I didn’t care what, I just REALLY wanted some FOOD! I meet up with him, we pretend to study for all of 10 minutes and go to take our final. Let’s not discuss how that final went.

We spend some more time together. This time, a plan is made. A plan for me to take him home after his next final, and he would take me riding. I was stoked. STOKED! I <3 being on a motorcycle. Even though I’d love it more if I were the one doing the driving, it’s still fun. The wind, not so fun. I got pelted with bugs at some point. And my hair. Oh my poor hair. It looked like one great big giant dreadlock. It was not cute.

But he wracked up over 300 miles on his bike, for my amusement and entertainment. He paid for gas. He paid for dinner. He stopped when my butt needed a break. We laughed about signs that I saw (“Rainbow Ranch. Not GAY, just happy“). It was just an all around good day.

On the drive home I sent the BFF a text message. “Why do they have to be perfect specimens of the male gender when you’re just friends?” Why indeed. I’m not sure, at least not completely what it is I’m hoping for. She asked if I would be better off not hanging out with him as much. The answer is yes. I would be better off. Though I’m not 100% sure that’s even what I want, at least not deep down. What I want is to finish school, and get the fuck out of this hell. This is what I’m striving for. This is what I’m working towards.

I won’t lie. Today I fell in love with him… all over again.

Tomorrow, I start over with letting go.

*sigh*

May 19th, 2008 | Tags: ,

I wish that when I saw this PostSecret, I didn’t immediately think of the boy and hope he was the one who sent it.

Less Traveled

May 19th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost

I remember the first time I heard this quote. I remember hearing stories similar to this very one. I think we actually had this whole discussion about it in high school.

I also remember thinking that that would be how I would live my life. I’d always go against the grain, do something different… be someone different. Not for the sake of being different, but because it means that if my time comes I won’t have missed out on the opportunities that have been available to me.

It seems, as of late, that most people I know are in… not such good moods. They’re depressed and feeling lethargic. I know this feeling all too well. It seems that I’ve become the boy’s confidante in all matters dealing with his life.

During our horrible heat wave, I decided that I would move somewhere else for grad school. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I can’t handle these horrific summers anymore. I just can’t handle 6-8 months of 90+ (and even 100+) degree weather. I just can’t do it. And the BFF has been trying to convince me to move out there with her anyway. Not literally with her, but be where she is geographically speaking. I’ve wanted to, and even thought about it. But what better reason to move than to take care of grad school? It will be an expensive endeavor, but not without help. It will be for all of the right reasons, and not because I just want to get away. I do… but I haven’t liked living here in a LONG time.

It’s been far too easy though, staying where I am. Finding whatever path has given me the least resistance (or cost). I just don’t want it to be about that anymore. I want it to be about more than that. I want to make decisions based on how to make my life better.

I won’t lie. When the boy makes jokes about going along with me, I almost wish I could be okay with it. This is my time. This is my thing. This is something I want to do for myself. Even the BFF pointed out that I could live with her for a couple months until I found a job and found a place to live… but he wasn’t invited. Though even just my being there could potentially be a HUGE inconvenience as it stands… there’s no way I’m allowing another person to come along and impose as well. Despite that little girl inside of me that wishes he could just be packed up along with the clothes, I know that I wouldn’t want him there. If we’re meant to be, we will. I just can’t take him with me everywhere I go. I want this to be for me.

I can’t tell how serious he is either. If it’s just a funny, “Let’s move to New York” sort of thing, or if he’s partially serious. I could ask. I just don’t want to know the answer. I don’t want to burst his bubble by telling him that I don’t want him to go with me.

In my head I picture this experience. Once I get a job, and find a place to live… I imagine calling the BFF up and just sitting around for hours talking about all sorts of stuff. Laughing and joking like we always do. Never being bored. I imagine wandering around a campus that is going to provide me with the education I need to get a real job… the job I’ve wanted for so long. I imagine sitting at a Starbucks there, remembering my own Starbucks, and my friends… but knowing that despite my missing everything that is good about my life here… there’s SO much more out there.

My heart is now set on getting away from here. I can’t stay at this job forever. I can’t make this little piddly salary. I need to get out, and get away. I need something other than my beloved California. I’ve simply outgrown this place.

Hard to admit

May 12th, 2008 | Tags: , ,

As time goes on, I come to many realizations with regard to the boy. I realize that he has been right all along. I am smarter than he is. I am more intelligent than he is. Not only that, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve experienced more in life. I’ve learned more from life. And I’ve accepted my role in this world far better than he has.

I’m not saying that we’re destined to be together. Nor am I saying that there’s some magical fix for my desire to have him, as my own, and not to let anyone else have him. There will come a day when I just know, and it will pass over me, or through me. But it will pass, somehow.

He makes assumptions of me, that I don’t think he needs to make. I don’t think he has a right to make. I don’t even think he realizes exactly what he does. I just finished watching Juno and it wasn’t the context of the movie that reached out and made me think of these things regarding the boy, it was the movie itself. Sitting there, remembering when I first introduced him to Donnie Darko, and how surprised he was by the movie. He enjoyed it immensely, and while I’m glad that he did, it was the reasons why he didn’t watch the movie prior to my wanting him to see it that bugs me about him.

He wasn’t willing to give the movie a shot because it “looked stupid.” Because the people he associates with had never seen it. I allow myself to read books I wouldn’t otherwise. I allow myself to enjoy movies that aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I’m open-minded. I often find those movies and books that aren’t mainstream, the sneakers if you will, are the ones that… change my view on life.

While I hope daily that I’ll be one step closer to just letting this one go, I know that it’s always easier said than done. That despite our differences, we really clicked on a different level. We’re polar opposites, and yet, it could have worked. It could have worked brilliantly, despite those differences. And while I understand that he went through a lot, I know that I was willing to stand beside him through all of it. Only, he didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me. I just have to learn to accept that. And admit that it just wasn’t meant to be.

This will be us one day…