Officially over

Author: Lee

May 9

I finally FINALLY finished the paper. Thank goodness! I was allowed to leave early from work yesterday, in order to try to tackle “the paper.” So I came home, showered and packed my stuff for a day at Starbucks, when all of my friends would not be there. Got the paper to about 5.5 pages, when I had to leave there because the lure of distraction was far too great. FAR FAR TOO GREAT!

I came home and with some help from a friend, got through some of the rough spots of the paper. Trudged through it, and at about 3:15 am, I had it printed, stapled and packed away safely in my backpack (so as to NOT forget it once I left the house). Set the alarm and passed out. I woke up with my phone (aka my alarm) in my hand, under the pillow.

Wanna know what time I woke up in the morning? 8:15am.
Wanna know how long my commute to school is? Most days, just over an hour.
Wanna know what time I was supposed to be in class? Yeah, 9am.

Even if I didn’t bother to change my clothes, brush my teeth, feed the cat, or have my “I just woke up” pee, I still wouldn’t have made it to school in time. So I didn’t rush it. I just got ready and took off.

The boy, on the other hand, is starting to drive me to the brink of insanity. I’ve been wanting to write about it. Bits of our conversation, in an attempt to at least (in part) understand what in the hell is going on. But it doesn’t make any sense. He makes little comments, here and there. Many other instances. I’ve also taken my estalking to a whole new level. He told me about his ex, and how he’s been feeling rather depressed because after everything she did to him… after all of the hell she put him through… and he forwarded the email exchange between the two of them.

I had her email. I looked it up on myspace. I found her. Her profile is private, so I searched for a way to see her pictures anyway. I saw pictures of the babies when he hasn’t. I saw a picture of her. I feel somewhat guilty in this, because even if as time passes we only become better friends, closer friends, and it never becomes anything more than that… I will have to carry this around with me… It will always remain a secret that I have, that he can never know.

The internet is not safe. While I know that even writing about it, there’s a chance that he might be able to stumble across it. But I have faith in his lack of computer knowledge and internet saavy, that he will likely never find any of this, unless I tell him. Once I post this, I know that I will never tell him. Ever.

It gets easier, every day. Though I know that I still care very deeply for him, and wish that our circumstances could’ve been different. I wish that we had met at a different point in both of our lives. My obsessive tendency will likely mean that as hard as the road will be, and as much debt as I will probably put myself into, after grad school, I’ll be moving away from here. Anywhere. But I will not stick around. Best case scenario, I’ll be around for another 3 years before looking for employment somewhere other than here, and possibly a PhD program. Best case scenario, I can finally move abroad, to the UK, and pursue my education there.

Either way, my goals in life will inevitably take me away from him. As much as I want him right now.

He doesn’t make this easy for me. He doesn’t make it easy for me to slowly let go either. I want desperately to be on the back of his motorcycle, holding onto him tightly as we just go… no particular direction… just going. I want desperately to just… touch him.

No matter what I do… I can’t seem to shake all of the feelings I have for him… or release my sheer desire of him.

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Filed under: school, the boy | Tagged as: school, the boy, wtf

Oh the disappointment

Author: Lee

Apr 24

I knew that today was going to be a big day. I had to register for classes, though sadly, I was going to get stuck in the latter half of the afternoon, after a shitton of other people were going to get to register. Not sure how that all worked out. By the time it was 45 minutes from my registration time, my preferred lab class was wait-listed. WAIT-LISTED!! I mean, I wanted the boy to take Psychology 101 with me, and he picked his classes around that one (let’s not mention or talk about the fact that ALL of his other classes are the classes that I chose… I digress). He got in, of course. He had the most insane priority registration date. I, however, got fucked. I went ahead and wait-listed it, and signed up for another one, just in case. But seriously… it screwed my whole fuckin’ schedule up. THE. WHOLE. THING!

When I found this out, in the middle of Perception, I cried. I lost it. I nearly had the biggest nervous breakdown known to man! It was pathetic. And the boy was there to pat me on the back (literally) and tell me it would be okay and that I’d figure it out, cause I always do.

He makes these comments… all the time. I thought it was my imagination at first. That it was wishful thinking. Because some days I look at him, when he’s almost asleep in class, and wish I could touch him. Wish I could just… touch him. And other days, well, other days I wish he would just go away.

I can’t figure out what’s going on inside, and I’m confused. I can’t imagine that it’s so easy for him either. I’m guessing by the things he says, and the way he sometimes acts, that he’s equally confused. I’m only saddened by the fact that we can’t tough this confusion out together… hand in hand.

And while I smile at his little comments, and his text messages, and the smile on his face, and the look… the look he gives me… and the fact that he buys me coffee… even when I say “No thank you” too late… he thinks about me while he’s standing there in line. He thinks about me enough to buy me coffee. He buys me coffee even before I can say yes or no. And he pats my back when I’ve had a bad day. And hugs me when I think my school-world is falling apart.

Because in the end… I can’t choose to love him or not… it just happens. I just do.

I just wish he would love me back.

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Filed under: school, the boy | Tagged as: life, pain, school, the boy

So confused…

Author: Lee

Apr 15

It’s funny. This whole relationship business. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of them… but the one with the boy was definitely different. I see him differently now. I see aspects of him that I still desire. Parts of him (and I’m not speaking about anatomy or physically) I admire and adore and want to be around constantly. Other parts, annoy me. His arrogance, for example. I thought this was something he was doing, or a way he was acting, to be cute. Instead I’m finding that he really is a bit of an arrogant ass.

I’m still hugely attracted to him. He’s still damn cute. Amazingly funny and intelligent. As time goes on, I’m going to have to deal with the fact that this is just a phase, or at least I hope it is. I realize that there’s going to be a day, one within the next year, when we’re either going to be closer friends or we’re going to be distant memories. We both have grad school to think about. We both have places we might move to, though he actually considered staying at our current college. Which to me is a shame.

Last night while chatting on yahoo with the boy, we had an interesting exhange.

him: of course, i’ll probably go to [our school] for grad school anyhow
me: why? why not go somewhere else… just cause you can?
him: don’t know where else to go? where would I go?
me: anywhere. the world is open to you now… pick a place and fuckin’ go!
him: true dat. homie but who has good psych grad programs and how do I find out? not to mention out of state tuitions etc
me: uh, U of Minnesota actually has some of the best psych programs in the US and you don’t pay out of state tuition for grad school
him: no shit why not?
me: USC and UCLA have good psych programs… *shrug* no clue, but it’s fact! what, don’t trust me
him: sure do. for any grad school or just u of minn?
me: any
him: Ha!! I didn’t know that!!
me: well, within the US
him: Oh, that’s friggin awesome
me: go to UHawaii!
him: I’m gonna do some research tonight
me: ha ha ha!
him: Hawaii here I (we) come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really? We?? *sigh* I could easily be reading too much into everything, sure. But I mean, really? You’re going to go to Hawaii after I tell you two things. 1) You can go anywhere, just effing go! I mean, just get the hell out of this state college and go somewhere, anywhere. And 2) You wanna go to Hawaii because I said something about going there?? We?!? So effing confusing.

I basically bombed my Perception exam. Why? Because I didn’t realize we were having an exam on the first day back from spring break. Why didn’t I know this?? Because the boy decided to call the night before and keep me up until 5am. Yup. Bad. bad. bad.

The semester is almost over, and I’m going to have to work on doing better in this particular class. Thus far, I have a solid C, and that’s just unacceptable. I’ll have to worry about getting high B’s or A’s to bring that up. Must. That’s just sheer laziness and I’m kicking myself in the ass for it now.

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Filed under: school | Tagged as: school, the boy, wtf

The end

Author: Lee

Apr 5

I knew that all good things must come to an end, but I never expected one so abrupt. I never thought it would be… like this. I’ll get through it, I always do. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting… for now.

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Filed under: it's called life!, relationship, the boy | Tagged as: pain, relationship, the boy

Why?!?

Author: Lee

Apr 4

It sucks. It sucks when there’s someone you know… that you’ve known for a long time… that you’ve had many a conversation with… and you think to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice him before?”

I did, but there was always this baggage following him around. Baggage with a name. And she was constantly… in essence… stalking him. I wasn’t about to get involved in that drama.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore the boy. I know that there’s a part of me that is completely in love with him. But he’s right. I don’t need to be his rebound. And he doesn’t need to be mine. As he’s so blatantly pointed out, we’re not exclusive. I guess that leaves the door open to date other people if we so desired. I don’t really want to date anyone else. I’d love to have the boy all to myself and never have to worry ever again.

It just sucks that he lives so far away. That I can’t just want to go play pool with him and have him able to go. It has to be planned. It has to be a “day” out of it. And yet, this friend, this good friend that I’ve known for quite some time, is there. We played pool all night. Minus a few technicalities, he kicked my ASS at pool, and it was okay. Cause he’s awesome company and we get along really well.

Though I’m not even remotely thinking of giving up on the boy just yet. It just sucks that I didn’t notice the friend prior to this. I mean, I know that I’m not necessarily at the best place in life with school and work and all that mumbo jumbo, but at the same time. I want a nice guy. I want a good guy to be there for me through the thick and the thin. I want someone who claims me as theirs while I can do the same. How long is that going to be before the boy thinks we’ve reached the point where we can be an “exclusive couple?”

How long…

I guess I’m going to stick it out and see. The things he’s gone through in the time we’ve been dating has been… insane. I couldn’t make this shit up. I couldn’t even try. And yet, here we are… both of us battling through it in our own ways. Him, obviously, being the most affected. Not to say that it doesn’t affect me too. It does. I had accepted that there would be these responsibilities in his life. That there would be a point, and that point was coming nearer, where I would never be first in his life. I would be second, at best, forever. Maybe one day I’ll write about it. Work through my feelings about the whole situations. Right now, I know, that there’s NO reason for me to be put last on the list again.

He was relinquished of his duties. He no longer has to worry.

Now it’s just a matter of seeing what happens from here. Will I continue to be put last on the list of priorities? Or will he put me first… every now and again… like I’ve often done for him.

He’s not in my life to fill a gap, or a hole, or to fix me… but I know that my feelings for him are not waning. Even though I’m starting to wonder why I never noticed the friend as anything more than that… before.

Timing. Impeccable.

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Filed under: relationship, the boy | Tagged as: friends, life, relationship, the boy

I had a moment

Author: Lee

Mar 30

And it wasn’t a good one. I think I might have flipped out on him. I might have forgotten something I told him. Specifically that I asked him to be something stable in his life while everything else was so unstable. I offered to be there for him, in a “above and beyond” sort of way.

I said it because I meant it.

Today, I forgot I meant it. Today, I cared only about me.

I’m not sure if I ruined everything. I’m going to back off and let him deal with his stuff. I almost wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I spent most of my day on the phone with The BFF hoping that she might be able to help me sort it out. In playing the devil’s advocate, and after speaking to a male friend, I started to realize a few things.

I don’t want him out of my life. I jumped the gun when I flipped the hell out. I should really take some time to think about things before I say something. Especially since his first text message to me this afternoon, he called me “sweet pea.” Damn.

Open mouth, insert foot. The story of my effing life.

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Filed under: relationship, the boy | Tagged as: contemplation, relationship, the boy

In his own way

Author: Lee

Mar 29

He might not know it, but I can tell he’s trying to reach out. I don’t think he wants to. I don’t think he wants to get attached… in much the same way I don’t want to get attached. For fear of getting hurt.

There is a closeness we share, outside of the bedroom intimacy. There have been times when I almost said those words. Not even thinking about it. Just that they wanted to come out. As though it were the moment I got caught up in, and not because I’m pressured to say them… but because it was what I wanted to say. I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know that I’ll be there for him… in the best way that I can. That as long as he has me in his life, I am in his life. I’ll only back down if he asks me to.

And even then, I might consider trying to fight to keep him. Though I doubt I will… cause fighting to keep someone in my life in the past has turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

When he’s in the right mindset. When he’s “on his game” he has a brilliant way with words. We are so different in so many ways. In all of the weird superficial ways that I thought I’d have to find someone similar to me. I find it weird and somewhat amusing. This must be what they mean by opposites attract.

He has some shit he’s going through. He had a lot of shit he’s going through right now. I couldn’t write about it even if I wanted to, because I don’t know what it is. He’s still working through it. He’s still trying to make sense of it before he tells me about it. I’m curious, don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely curious. I’m just not willing to push him into telling me. I’m not going to force him to tell me anything. If he wants me to know, he’ll tell me when he’s ready.

Though I know, in his own way, he’s reaching out. I just wish I knew exactly what he wanted me to do.

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Filed under: relationship, the boy | Tagged as: life, reflection, relationship, the boy

Drunken Interrogation

Author: Lee

Mar 28

As is the trend with the boy, it seems that after a night of drinking, he wants to talk. Don’t get me wrong, I adore talking to him. I feel this comfort with him, even on the phone, that I don’t often have with many people. We share this weird bond, if nothing else, on an intellectual level. It’s because of this that I like him so much. It’s because of this that I don’t often mind the questions he asks.

The other night, however, he went out with his roommate and another friend. No big deal. He lives so damn far away that there’s no way in hell the two of us are going to be able to do everything together. I’m honestly okay with that. I enjoy doing my own thing too, even if inside there’s that part of me that really wants him around… all. the. time.

After he got home, he sent me a text message. I responded. He called. From there it was only a matter of time before the conversation went downhill. It’s that I mind when he asks me questions about my life, or my experiences. I don’t mind at all. What bothers me more than almost anything else, is when I’m asked a question and in the middle of answering, I’m interrupted and asked another question.

Now, this is fine. Fine. You want to interrupt me before I have a chance to say something. Okay. No big deal. But please don’t accuse me of avoiding your questions, or “discounting my feelings for” yours. That is SO not the case.

He proceeded to try to piss me off (which he succeeded in doing, btw). He was trying to get me rilled up. He wanted me to bitch to him about something. Because he was determined to believe that I couldn’t possibly (actually) be happy and content. Oh no. That’s impossible! No, I’m exaggerating… slightly. No, what he wanted was for me to confront him with issues. Anything about him that might annoy the crap out of me. I realize he’s not perfect. I know this. I accept this. I know and accept that I’m not perfect either. I just know that the things that bug me about him are small, and seemingly trivial, and I’m willing to be patient and see if they’ll work themselves out or become something that I need to discuss with him.

While I don’t necessarily agree with much of what he said, especially his “insight” into my psyche, I know that when he’s been drinking there is often a different version of him. What made me laugh, and I mean out loud near gut-busting laugh, was when he admitted that when he’s not intoxicated, he’s almost too scared to bring things up. Ah ha! *points an accusing finger at him* You are doing one of the BIGGEST pet peeves… evar! Don’t project your own discomfort onto me. Don’t point an accusing finger at me about not bringing up issues when it’s YOU who doesn’t feel okay with doing it (without alcohol). I did, absolutely, explain how much that bothers me. He said he would work on that.

I’m okay with that. I can work with that.

Despite him trying and succeeding in getting a rise out of me, we’re still good. I’m willing to try and from the sounds of it, he’s willing to try as well. Right now, that’s about all I could possibly ask for. Some effort.

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Filed under: relationship, the boy | Tagged as: life, relationship, the boy

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