In a state of thixotropy

Stupid Paper

Yeah, stupid effing paper. I got another extension. Just a couple of days, but still. It’s quite possibly the most horrific experience I’ve ever endured in my college career. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to pull all these parts together. Imagine trying to tie this and this together emphasizing the role of women as heroes, and then write 8+ pages about it. Yeah. That’s where I’m at right now.

And I need to poop. Literally. Though I can’t imagine packing ALL my crap up right now, just to go use the bathroom, and hope that I get my outdoor table with a plug again. BAH!

Anyone willing to write this paper for me, in less than 2 days? Right… didn’t think so.

Tags: school, wtf
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Idiot!

I’m an idiot. A huge, giant stupid effing idiot. I should’ve started my damn paper a LONG time ago. What do I do? Exactly what I always do, put it off until the last minute.

And now, I have no idea where to start.

And I’ll likely not sleep tomorrow night just to get this damn thing finished.

No really… this is idiocy!

Tags: school, wtf
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So confused…

It’s funny. This whole relationship business. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of them… but the one with the boy was definitely different. I see him differently now. I see aspects of him that I still desire. Parts of him (and I’m not speaking about anatomy or physically) I admire and adore and want to be around constantly. Other parts, annoy me. His arrogance, for example. I thought this was something he was doing, or a way he was acting, to be cute. Instead I’m finding that he really is a bit of an arrogant ass.

I’m still hugely attracted to him. He’s still damn cute. Amazingly funny and intelligent. As time goes on, I’m going to have to deal with the fact that this is just a phase, or at least I hope it is. I realize that there’s going to be a day, one within the next year, when we’re either going to be closer friends or we’re going to be distant memories. We both have grad school to think about. We both have places we might move to, though he actually considered staying at our current college. Which to me is a shame.

Last night while chatting on yahoo with the boy, we had an interesting exhange.

him: of course, i’ll probably go to [our school] for grad school anyhow
me: why? why not go somewhere else… just cause you can?
him: don’t know where else to go? where would I go?
me: anywhere. the world is open to you now… pick a place and fuckin’ go!
him: true dat. homie but who has good psych grad programs and how do I find out? not to mention out of state tuitions etc
me: uh, U of Minnesota actually has some of the best psych programs in the US and you don’t pay out of state tuition for grad school
him: no shit why not?
me: USC and UCLA have good psych programs… *shrug* no clue, but it’s fact! what, don’t trust me
him: sure do. for any grad school or just u of minn?
me: any
him: Ha!! I didn’t know that!!
me: well, within the US
him: Oh, that’s friggin awesome
me: go to UHawaii!
him: I’m gonna do some research tonight
me: ha ha ha!
him: Hawaii here I (we) come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really? We?? *sigh* I could easily be reading too much into everything, sure. But I mean, really? You’re going to go to Hawaii after I tell you two things. 1) You can go anywhere, just effing go! I mean, just get the hell out of this state college and go somewhere, anywhere. And 2) You wanna go to Hawaii because I said something about going there?? We?!? So effing confusing.

I basically bombed my Perception exam. Why? Because I didn’t realize we were having an exam on the first day back from spring break. Why didn’t I know this?? Because the boy decided to call the night before and keep me up until 5am. Yup. Bad. bad. bad.

The semester is almost over, and I’m going to have to work on doing better in this particular class. Thus far, I have a solid C, and that’s just unacceptable. I’ll have to worry about getting high B’s or A’s to bring that up. Must. That’s just sheer laziness and I’m kicking myself in the ass for it now.

Tags: school, the boy, wtf
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So it seems…

So much has happened. I’ve often heard the phrase “When it rains, it pours.” And man, they weren’t kidding when they came up with that line!

A part of me is thankful that I never told the boy about this website. That I never let him come here to read the things I had written about him. The sweet, kind and even wonderful things I’ve said about him. While I don’t take any of them back, I’m glad he’s not here reading… anymore.

Not only is there this current “break-up,” if you can even call it that, but the ex before decided to call me, after nearly 8 months of not speaking. After being devastated over the boy, realizing all of the things that I realized regarding him, I figured what the hell… it’s not like anything could REALLY go wrong, right?

Nothing necessarily went wrong, per se. Nothing is ever really wrong, at least that can’t be dealt with and fixed. There’s a conversation I need to have with him, that I’m not looking forward to having. Not details as of yet, until after I’ve had this conversation. While the disclaimer states, that I would not filter anything, this is something I need to do “offline” first. Before I write it out via my therapy here.

Strange revelations I’ve come to over the past few days. So much has happened. So many people coming back into my life from what feels like out of no where. Life is good… for the most part. Tuesday was hard. Tomorrow may be equally hard. The boundaries of friendship with the boy are blurred by him. I won’t overstep them, and I’ll do the best that I can to mask the pangs of hurt that sometimes burn in the middle of my chest, but I’m not sure where we stand. Friends, sure. I can try this “friend” thing out. I just don’t know how well I’m going to be at it.

To top it all off… a good friend is going through a break-up herself. A 5-year long relationship. Getting a text message that says, “I don’t think [significant other] is the one.” can really throw a person for the loop. Despite my own dramas. Despite my own issues. Despite the fact that my ENTIRE world has been shattered and destroyed in a matter of days… I need to be there for her. I need to help her through this. Why? Because I know it’s hard. Because she’s far too young to settle for second best and not life her dream. Because I know, I KNOW, that she is going somewhere… and deserves to have those things in life. And a friend who’s simply there, but doesn’t care wouldn’t be much of a friend at all. So I also shoulder her burden, on top of all of my own, and continue trudging on.

I have my moments, on the verge of tears, when I think that there can’t possibly be a reason for all of this. And then I wonder what horrible thing could I have done to bring this to my life right now. Ahhh, yes. It’s difficult to believe in a form of kharma, and not think that it will eventually come back to get me as well. Whatever I did, it better have been worth it.

I’ve realize how much stronger I actually am, than I even gave myself credit for. One thing the boy got right, my confidence was in the shitter after the ex. I felt caged. Like I couldn’t TALK to people about things. I had been trained to believe that everyone would immediately go on the defensive, and I would be stuck there… blinking, like a babbling idiot. It didn’t matter if what I said outloud made sense. It didn’t matter if I made valid points. While the boy wasn’t the reason for my finding a little bit of myself again, he was definitely part of the catalyst in the return of “the real me.”

It feels like I’ve found my superhuman strength again. The strength that so many people once admired. I wish I knew what happened to her while she was on vacation, but I’m damn glad she’s back.

And now… I need to tackle each of these things… individually. Carefully, and with caution… but these things will be taken care of… before the weekend closes.

Tags: life, pain, wtf
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